I was in a marriage that was unpredictably dangerous, as well as mentally debilitating. I married a man just like my dad. My dad would get drunk and become destructive and smash up the furniture in the house, the walls, everything thing that got in his way.
I remember one time after he had gotten wasted and came home late, my mother was ready to leave him. He picked me up by my throat, suspended in the air against the wall and held me there. My mother began to cry. He reached in his pocket and pulled out his pocket knife, held it to my throat. He told my mother if she left him, he would slit my throat.
This was my life at 5 years old. But no matter what, children always love their Dads. When I was eight my dad died of an aneurism in front of me and when my mother was pregnant with my baby sister. I know my sister probably wishes she could have met him. But I think because she didn’t she grew up happy and she even married healthy.
My mother never did remarry. I am starting to think she had a point.
When I met my ex-husband I had two children that I was raising alone. I was on well-fare and public housing. I struggled and was barely making it. My exhusband
promised me the world. A week or two later he convinced me he loved me. Right away he wanted to move in and right away the craziness began. Eventually, I ended up marrying him because he said, he would kill himself if I didn’t. He promised that if I married him and had his children he would change. I married him and instead of this great husband I wanted I got my dad just in another body this time. My ex took control of my home. He never would keep a job. He exploited my finances. When he wouldn’t get his way he would make us pay.
He would have these fits of rage where he would destroy my home; smashing everything in sight. Oh,
especially gifts from my mother and sister. Daniel was verbally and physically abusive. One time he
kicked me when I was pregnant with his son. The next day I delivered our son, not knowing if he
would be normal. After one of his psychotic fits of rage he’d calm down and he would always be so
apologetic and sweet but always claimed he didn’t remember what had happened. He would have an
anger outburst then disappear for days. He would never work and every three months like clockwork
everything would happen all over again.
After dealing with this for years, Daniel threw his last fit of rage with me and my children around; I
called shelter with nowhere else to go. I wasn’t sure how I would be able to have a different life or even
if that was possible. Many times I had made my ex-husband leave but it was understood that he could
always come back because I could not afford childcare and a place to live. He knew that I couldn’t afford
both. So, I always would have to allow him back into my home. I was so scared. I was so alone I
didn’t see away out. I didn’t have any friends that I could talk to. I had his family but they always
conspired with him for me to take him back; after all, he watched his mom get beat up by his dad for
years. She always stayed!
I swallowed my pride and went to the shelter. After shelter I went to The Bridge’s Transitional Housing
Program. As I quickly bonded with other women there that were in the same situation as me, I
took advantage of many of the programs you offered. There I was taught the cycle of abuse; without
anyone telling me I saw the whirlwind that this relationship had taken. I began to understand and
learn how I had married someone just like my father and if I did not break this cycle now; my children
were destined to repeat the pattern that I printed out for myself. I had to break this cycle. The
Bridge offered referrals for my children and me. Counseling from certified professionals that I took
full advantage of because I needed to completely reprogram my mind—for all this I never had to pay a
cent.
While there, I received help from you so I could finish my college education because you taught me that
being self-sufficient was another key to breaking hazardous patterns of relationships. I began studying
Mental Health and learned so much about drug use and different types of abuse in my college
courses that I was taking. People began to see a new me. I was beginning to see a light at the end of
the tunnel and after a while, I got a job at a local School District as a Teacher’s Aide. It was an adaptive
behavior program where the students were mentally disturbed. The things that I learned in shelter
and in college proved to be invaluable. The first year I was an aide our program became so successful
that two of the teachers over the next years both got hired at other schools as principals. My supervisors
were very impressed with my knowledge on the students’ mental health and the insight I had
into the issues in their homes. For the first time in my life my opinions were sought out and I was listened
to.
I continued to do to my weekly support groups at the shelter. I also took an assertiveness class and this
taught me how to say no to my ex-husband and to others who could drain you not even knowing it. I took
parenting classes; every resource I used there again was free.
When I left the shelter I continued to see my caseworker and stay in close contact with the shelter because I had always felt safe there. Eventually, I graduated college with a counseling degree but since I was already working for the district I was promoted to a teacher. Because of my work as an aide I was sought out majorly by schools in my district. I had gotten so many phone calls from Principals in my district that one afternoon I had to unplug my phone because I was tired of it ringing. I had made a verbal commitment to the school that I interviewed with (the same school I am at now), but had not yet signed a contract so it looked like I was still available. There was this one principal I had to hang up on in a nice way, because she would not take no for an answer. She would not let me get off the phone. I told her I had to go with integrity, even though it was a position that I wanted. I did not want to start out my new career by upsetting a Principal after I had told her I would work there. It was a good thing too because my Principal was the President of her Principal Association.
I remember my first paycheck as a teacher—I thought I was rich because my salary had just tripled. I was so happy the day I no longer qualified for welfare and food stamps. Last year, I bought our first home and it was then I realized I was not rich at all, so last August I went back to school to work on my Masters Degree in Education Administration. I now have just less than a year in my Masters Degree program. This summer I received another promotion to District Behavior Specialist. God is good!
Recently, I just wrote my first book which will be out in less than two months and I have been working on my second one. I am also the founder and President of MRCA (Mothers Raising Children Alone). Our mission is to get scholarships to single parent homes—whether it is a Mom, Dad, a Grandparent, guardian or child. If you think I am just bragging too much on myself then you have really, truly missed my point. It…is… not... about... me! With out The Bridge I would still be in a very bad situation without hope. “Where there is no hope the people perish.” I would still probably be on welfare and wondering every day if my children and I were going to be killed in one of my ex’ psycho fits of rage.
I will always be a product of God and The Bridge.
Thank you for everything!
Contributed by Tyra “Deanna” Wilson
Author of “A Wounded Daughter’s Diary ( Exploring God’s Grace from the Strip Clubs to the Classroom”
Editor’s Note: Ms. Wilson is a very striking woman; tall, attractive and extremely articulate.
She has expressed a desire to “pay it forward” as a way of repaying those who helped her in her
time of need. Ms. Wilson currently works with Bay Area Turning Point, The Bridge and people
everywhere who have a desire to change their lives for the better.
If you would like to purchase Ms. Wilson’s book, visit www.TatePublishing.com—the book is available in
January 2010 for $12 a copy; proceeds will go to her Mothers’ Raising Children Alone non-profit organization.
