Role Models of America

Self Protection for Moms

Put your car keys beside your bed at night. If you hear a noise outside your home or someone trying to get in your house, just press the panic button for your car. The alarm will be set off, and the horn will continue to sound until either you turn it off or the car battery dies.

This tip came from a neighborhood watch coordinator. Next time you come home for the night and you start to put your keys away, think of this:

It's a security alarm system that you probably already have and requires no installation. Test it. It will go off from most everywhere inside your house and will keep honking until your battery runs down or until you reset it with the button on the key fob chain. It works if you park in your driveway or garage If your car alarm goes off when someone is trying to break into your house, odds are the burglar rapist won't stick around... After a few seconds all the neighbors will be looking out their windows to see who is out there and sure enough the criminal won't want that. And remember to carry your keys while walking to your car in a parking lot. The alarm can work the same way there ...... This is something that should really be shared with everyone.

Broken

                      I was sitting at the back of the restaurant, rolling silverware, and taking care of the last details of my shift. Two loud men walked in. I immediately knew them I shrunk down in my chair and hoped they didn't recognize me. They made their way to the table right behind me and had a seat. I grew very still even held my breath hoping they wouldn't see me. I pretended to be normal and kept working. I could hear them talking about girlfriends past and then they started talking about a girl they had so much fun with. One of the men bragged about how much dope he put into her drink to get her to pass out. He leaned back in his chair and put his head right next to mine and said "You can have anything you want from a fifteen year old if you give her enough dope." Then he laughed so loud I jumped. I gathered my things and with as much composure as I could, which only brought more fits of laughter from those awful men. I ran to my car climbed in and locked the doors terrified. I tore out of the parking lot and headed for safety. Now they knew where I worked. I contemplated quitting my job. I got very angry because I had finally put that night out of my life. I had rebuilt my life and now it was all ruined. The more I thought about it the more angry I got. I decided to once again bury the past, just pretend it never happened. I was very successful in my plan until the day My daughter told me that she had been raped.

                It was a life changing moment for me. I later found out that two of my daughters had been raped and the third was forced to keep the secret. I punished myself harshly for allowing this to happen in their lives. I blamed myself because I was the adult, I should have known better. I should have watched closer. We immediately brought charges against their aggressor. The legal fight was on and it was very ugly. I became depressed and angry. It seemed that counseling wasn't helping anybody, I was completely ineffective at home and our beautiful life was falling apart right in front of my eyes. I knew I was failing, and with the fate of my girls at stake, I had to find a way to put all this back together.We started going to church, because I thought it might be a good place to start. I was desperate to say the very least.  

                 We had now been in the fight of our lives for one year. Our assailant had finally been arrested. Then the courtroom drama began.We went from one appointment to another trying to reclaim our lives.  I was driving home from yet another courtroom nightmare where all the car salesmen (lawyers) meet with their clients to try to sell their deals, one after another. We originally charged our aggressor with Sexual Assault of a minor.  2 counts.  Each count carried a 99 year sentence. That's what I wanted him to pay.  My heart was set on having a safe environment for my girls to live in. 10 years was not enough, they would only be beginning their lives and he would be out.  20 years wouldn't be enough, they would just be having children that's not a good time. I burned with rage against that man.  I hated him. The purest unadulterated form of hate. I hated the system, I hated having no control of our lives, I hated reliving this tragedy over and over again, and most of all, I hated watching my family suffer.

               I looked in my rear view mirror and coming up behind me on his motorcycle- Our aggressor. It blew my mind. How he could hurt so many people without regret. Imprison us in our home, and be roaming free - smiling even. Out enjoying a ride on his bike on a beautiful day. My foot instantly hit the accelerator, and without even considering it, I knew about a blind corner coming up. There were always accidents there. I sped up  and braced for impact.

                  At that moment I stood on the edge of insanity and debated jumping in and satisfying my craving for revenge.To get a "right now" justice. At that moment I felt like the only way I could feel better was if he couldn't feel at all. My inability to control my circumstances left me grasping for something I could control. I could control my gas pedal. If I wiped him off the face of this Earth my girls could feel safe again. People would say it was divine justice. And I could finally quiet my guilt for not originally protecting my daughters. I could protect them now. My soul screamed DO IT -DO IT NOW!!  I needed him to bleed like my girls hearts bled. I felt like if he died it brought justice to all women who had been hurt by a man. A picture of my girls getting married without me flashed through my mind, all the wind blew out of my sail. I couldn't do it. I became angrier with myself than ever. I wimped out. Another failure in a long list of many failures. At just that moment we went around the corner and I got a good look at him. It wasn't him at all. I almost killed an innocent man. I could have ruined so many lives. In that split second I had become the aggressor. I knew now that I couldn't be trusted my judgment was truly impaired.

                  Hate is a very strong force to be reckoned with. It is all consuming and dangerous. If left unchecked it can leave many families in ruins. I could have spread our pain to everyone. God knows there was enough to go around. We were all very alone at that time. Family's take sides, friends get uncomfortable and disappear. Pain can isolate you if you let it. We did.

                  I didn't feel like I could talk to anyone I didn't want to jeopardize the case. People were always watching our family for signs of cracks, because after all we probably deserved it. I kept my strong face on. What people didn't know was I was broken, and I had been for a long time. I focused on my hatred of him to keep my face straight. If I was angry I could function. If I let go of that all I would have left would be pain, and I couldn't deal with that. I always told my girls if we act hurt he wins. I didn't want him to win. I didn't want to give an inch. So we pretended to be normal. We did normal things. I spurred the girls on when things got hard. I wouldn't let them quit. But like every other facade, I shattered the idea of being normal with my little plot. Murderous thoughts were always on my mind, but acting on them was a whole new level- one that scared me. Talk about being scared straight. My family needed a real healing- no more keeping up appearances. It was time for some soul searching. My prayer became " Lord create in me a new heart because mine is black with hate. Father please find something in me that's good because I cant see the way anymore. I cant see.  Thank you Jesus he did just that. His word really isn't void. After crying out to God, I had finally released Him to move in my life. One day when God and I were talking, He told me that I could never help my daughters to heal if I didn't face my own pain. Once again I got depressed, because I didn't know how. I have finally learned the secret. It is simply forgiveness. I couldn't forgive myself for being so stupid and trusting those who I thought were my friends. By forgiving myself, I became free. Gods love ebbed into my heart slowly and pushed all the hate right out. The biggest surprise to me was I was able to heal without depression, without finding myself in a heap somewhere. I was completely functional and even happy. My Father takes good care of me. He sent me friends, a place to belong, good council, a safe place. The cleft in the rock is a real place not just an old story. I have lived there. Because of my healing I can truly say to all women who find themselves in this situation FORGIVE YOURSELF !!! It was not your fault. You didn't deserve it.

written by S.

 

2 Chronicles 7:14    If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from Heaven and forgive their sin and will heal their land.

 

The Ravaging...

The ravaging

Written By:  Deborah R.

It was one of those hot muggy summer nights when I was ten years old.  The family was over at my grandma’s house just hanging out; my parents, grandparents and an uncle.  The phone rang and everyone seemed to be called to attention.  It was another uncle and his girlfriend.  On their way back from an amusement park, their car broke down and they needed someone to pick them up.  I’m not really sure who went but none the less, they made it home.  After they had got back and the initial excitement and full explanations of the broken down car were over, it was decided that we all were hungry and they had appointed that uncle to go to Taco Bueno to get food for all.  During this time, going out to eat or getting food from the fast food place was a real treat.  I don’t know what his train of thought was at the moment he spoke up and said he wasn’t going alone.  He turned to me and said, “Debbie can go with me.”  The family agreed and off we went.  So I thought. 

As we turned the corner, he began talking to me about my “womanhood.”  He point blanked asked if I had started my period.  I was ten…of course I had not.  Feeling very awkward and embarrassed I confidently responded with, “Not yet, but mom says that it should happen anytime now.”  He and his girlfriend lived two streets behind my grandparents.  He turned down his street and I ask where we were going because I knew this wasn’t the way to the restaurant.  He said he had to stop by his house to get something.  He pulled into the driveway and said let’s get out.  I had a very uneasy feeling and told him I would stay in the car.  He turned to me and said, “Don’t you trust me?  I’m your dad’s brother.  I wouldn’t do anything to hurt you because he would beat me up.”  Now feeling very uncomfortable I agreed to get out and we went into the house.  I remember I started to shiver.  I wasn’t cold, I was just shivering.  He told me to lie down on the couch.  He began to undress me and I started to cry, still unsure what was happening.  He kept telling me to trust him…trust him that he was my dad’s brother.  He started to touch me and I began crying out loud.  He told me several times to stop crying.  I couldn’t stop...it was uncontrollable.  He then said if you don’t stop crying, I’m going to give it to you.  I didn’t understand that statement until he stood up and started undoing his pants.  He stood at the foot of the couch and began to touch himself.  Still crying, I turned my head and found myself staring at the front door.  I was watching and waiting for the door knob to turn.  I wanted to leave.  Someone was bound to come through the door at any moment.  At one point, he got up went to the bathroom and got something.  At the time, I didn’t know what it was.  He stuck his hand in a jar and began to smear some sort of lotion on me.  He then got on top of me.  I just remember feeling pain.  I didn’t know what was happening or what to do.  Thirty years ago what did a ten year old girl really know about sex?  Not much.  I don’t know how much time passed or what else happened.  I only know that nobody opened the door.  No one came in.  No one heard me crying.  No one…

After he was finished, he went to the bathroom and told me to get dressed.  As I was putting on my clothes, he told me to come into the bathroom and gave me a rag and told me to clean myself.  I didn’t feel anything at this point.  I just wanted to leave.

We got back into the car and headed to Taco Bueno.  There was always a long line so he went to Taco Bell and that was his excuse for taking so long.  He told me that we would tell them we waited for thirty minutes at Taco Bueno and then decided to go to Taco Bell.  When we got back to the house with the food, the first thing everyone asked was, “What took you so long?”  He responded with his premeditated answer and then said asked Debbie.  I just responded by shaking my head up and down.  They didn’t even think twice about it.  They just dug in to the bags of food and carried on as though nothing happened. 

No one ever knew about that night until 17 years later.  When I started My Road of Recovery and dealing with issues of being molested for 7 years by my step-father (the brother of the uncle who raped me), I decided to have my mother join me in a session with the Christian counselor.  That night, she learned that I wasn’t only molested by step-father, which she knew about, but also by two other men and an uncle.  And it was that uncle who raped me.  She cried and said she didn’t know.  Of course she didn’t, no one knew. No one came through the door that night.  Until this day, she has never spoken to me about the rape or about the molestation of my step-father, who she is still married to today.

There is a Ravaging of our youth, their innocence and the natural order of things that is sweeping through our country, our states, our cities, our families and our children.  There is a scar that is within me that will never go away.  There are pictures in my head that will always be there.  There is remorse because a part of me was ravaged, torn and pushed aside as though I didn’t matter.  But today…with My God…I am a stronger person.  I see the scar but there is no fear with it.  There is no longer any pain.  The pictures in my head will flip through like a book.  It’s just a book about my past; it’s no longer a book that defines me and the present.  I have found healing and wholeness in only one thing, in only one book…The Word of God.

Rape Statistics

Who are the Victims?

Women

1 out of every 6 American women have been the victims of an attempted or completed rape in their lifetime (14.8% completed rape; 2.8% attempted rape).

17.7 million American women have been victims of attempted or completed rape.

9 of every 10 rape victims were female in 2003.

While about 80% of all victims are white, minorities are somewhat more likely to be attacked.

Lifetime rate of rape /attempted rape for women by race:

All women: 17.6%

White women: 17.7%

Black women: 18.8%

Asian Pacific Islander women: 6.8%

American Indian/Alaskan women: 34.1%

Mixed race women: 24.4%

Men

About 3% of American men — or 1 in 33 — have experienced an attempted or completed rape in their lifetime.

In 2003, 1 in every ten rape victims were male.

2.78 million men in the

U.S.

have been victims of sexual assault or rape.

Children

15% of sexual assault and rape victims are under age 12.

29% are age 12-17.

44% are under age 18.

80% are under age 30.

12-34 are the highest risk years.

Girls ages 16-19 are 4 times more likely than the general population to be victims of rape, attempted rape, or sexual assault.

7% of girls in grades 5-8 and 12% of girls in grades 9-12 said they had been sexually abused.

3% of boys grades 5-8 and 5% of boys in grades 9-12 said they had been sexually abused.

In 1995, local child protection service agencies identified 126,000 children who were victims of either substantiated or indicated sexual abuse.

Of these, 75% were girls.

Nearly 30% of child victims were between the age of 4 and 7.

93% of juvenile sexual assault victims know their attacker.

34.2% of attackers were family members.

58.7% were acquaintances.

Only 7% of the perpetrators were strangers to the victim.

Effects of Rape

Victims of sexual assault are:

3 times more likely to suffer from depression.

6 times more likely to suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder.

13 times more likely to abuse alcohol.

26 times more likely to abuse drugs.

4 times more likely to contemplate suicide.

How often does sexual assault occur?

In 2006, there were 272,350 victims of rape, attempted rape, or sexual assault. (These figures do not include victims 12 years old or younger.)  Every 2 minutes, someone in the

U.S.

is sexually assaulted.  Here's the math. According to the U.S. Department of Justice's National Crime Victimization Survey — the country's largest and most reliable crime study — there were 272,350 sexual assaults in 2006 (the most recent data available).

There are 525,600 minutes in a non-leap year. That makes 31,536,000 seconds/year. So, 31,536,00 divided by 272,350 comes out to 1 sexual assault every 116 seconds, or about 1 every 2 minutes.

Sexual Assault vs. Rape

Notice that we said 1 sexual assault, not 1 rape.  Sexual assault is a broader category that the Justice Department uses to classify rape, attempted rape, and other violent felonies that fall short of rape. Rape is defined as forced vaginal, oral, or anal penetration.  In 2005, there were approximately 200,780 sexual assaults. Of these, 64,080 were completed rapes. So if you want a figure that covers only rapes, divide 31,536,000 by 64,080. That comes out to 1 rape ever 492 seconds or 1 rape every 8 minutes.

The Unvictims

Sexual assault has fallen by more than 60% in recent years. Had the 1993 rate held steady, 6.8 million Americans would have been assaulted in the last 13 years.  But, thanks to the decline, the actual number of victims was about 4.2 million. In other words, if not for the historic gains we've made in the last decade, an additional 2,546,420 Americans would have become victims of sexual violence.

References

U.S.Department of Justice. 2006 National Crime Victimization Survey. 2006.

U.S.Department of Justice. 2005 National Crime Victimization Survey. 2005.

U.S.Department of Justice, Bureau of Justice Statistics.

Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN)

2000 L Street, NW
Suite 406

Washington

,

DC

20036

phone: 202.544.3064
fax: 202.544.3556
info@rainn.org

Steps of Sexual Abuse Recovery

Written By:  Deborah R.

Once I was able to overcome my road block of blaming God, then I made great progress in my counseling.  You hear stories of how people go to counseling for years and years and are still dealing with the same issues.  It makes me wonder whose steps are they following; are they following a laid out plan?  Is God anywhere in their counseling?  I can tell you this; if God is in something it will go forward!

1. Step One:  I recognize that I am powerless to heal the damaged emotions resulting from my sexual abuse, and I look to God for the power to make me whole.
2. Step Two:  I acknowledge that God’s plan for my life includes victory over the experience of sexual abuse.
3. Step Three:  The person who abused me is responsible for the sexual acts committed against me.  I will not accept the guilt and shame resulting from those sexual acts.
4. Step Four:  I am looking to God and His Word to find my identity as a worthwhile and loved human being
5. Step Five:  I am honestly sharing my feelings with God and with at least one other person to help me identify those areas needing cleansing and healing.
6. Step Six:  I am accepting responsibility for my responses to being sexually abused.
7. Step Seven:  I am willing to accept God’s help in the decision and the process of forgiving myself and those who have offended me.
8. Step Eight:  I am willing to mature in my relationship with God and others.
9. Step Nine:  I am willing to be used by God as an instrument of healing and restoration in the lives of others.

It’s time to take some baby steps forward.  If you put God in front of you, not man, you will always have a clear direction of healing.

My Road to Recovery: Part II

Where was God?

Written By:  Deborah R.

I hit a major road block in my counseling and spiritual growth because of the anger I had festering inside.  I realized that I held GOD accountable for it.  I blamed Him!  After all, He is suppose to protect me and love me…right?  How come He didn’t stop it?  How could he let him do that to me?  Where was He?  WHERE WERE YOU GOD?

I found myself day after day asking the same questions…”Where were you God?”  The more I asked the angrier I got.  I found myself at church simmering on the question and the anger.  On a Sunday night in February of 1997, the Lord answered my question and blew my mind.  This is a letter that I wrote to the Lord after that night.

Dear Jesus,

There have been many nights that have come and gone since that night.  And I remember thinking that if there is a God, He doesn’t care.  For if He cared, then none of these things would have happened to me.  During the recent counseling, I remember how angry I was at you, Jesus.  I was older and understood more but I still couldn’t manage the emotions of anger.  I couldn’t hide them from you so I was completely honest.  I remember many times while I was trying to pray and the only thing that would come out of my mouth was “where were you?”  Your words say You never leave us or forsake us so…where were you?”

One night at church while a guest speaker was preaching, I received the answer to my question.  I was trying hard to listen to her but my mind kept drifting.  And as I asked the question again, I heard your voice say, “I was there the whole time.”  How come you didn’t stop him?  “Every man is given a gift of choice.  He can choose what he wants to do and when he wants to do it.  It is his will to do so.”  If you were there, then what were you doing?  As He began to answer, I had a vision of me in my old bedroom lying in the bed not moving a muscle.  I saw the light from the kitchen as it came down the hall and some how stopped at the door of my bedroom.  Then I saw my dad standing beside my bed in his white t-shirt and doing the things he did.  Then…my eyes drifted over his shoulder to the other corner of my room.  And that’s when I saw you.  And as the tears filled your eyes you said, “I was here…right here looking upon you with compassion.”  My heart broke as you said these words and I watched the tears fall from your eyes.  It was then that I knew you were really there and that you are here now.  Then I repented for the anger that I had for you because I know it’s not your fault.  He had the will to choose and he chose poorly.

As I sit here now, I realize that you were there when no one was around.  That was your hand on the trigger when I held the gun to my head.  That was your hand on the bottle of pills, your hand on the knife that I put to my wrist.  It was You who stood between my car and the side of the overpass.  You were there holding onto life for me when I wanted to let go.  All the times I wanted to die you wouldn’t let me.  Your hand of protection was on me even then.  Even in the ignorance of my youth, you had mercy on me.  I want to tell you, thank you.  Thank you for making a way.  When I couldn’t find a way, some how, some way…You did.  There were times when I was strong but it was strength that was fueled by anger.

Now, I know that my strength comes from you.  Without you, I would have nothing.  I don’t know why I have endured the things I have.  I no longer wrestle with wondering why because I know that the things others meant for evil you are turning for good.  I know there are other issues that I still have to walk through but I want to thank you for bringing me this far.  Thank you for being patient as I stumble along this path.  Thank you for those who are walking with me.  Thank you for giving me a reason to live.  Thank you for being my reason to live.

Your Daughter,

Deborah

My Road to Recovery: Part I

Starting Counseling

Written By:  Deborah R.

I just didn’t wake up one day and say, “I think I’m going to get counseling and get rid of the extra garbage I’ve been carrying around.”  I don’t think anyone does that.  It was a culmination of events that brought me to that place.  Actually, it was stemmed from a confrontation between me and my mother.  You know, when the grown daughter has to stand up to the intruding mother and tell her in very nice words that I am directing my own life, I will be raising my children and I only need your “help” when I ask for it.  Setting boundaries is a difficult task all by itself.  In my situation, it was complicated by the past issues of sexual abuse where boundaries were nonexistent.  To say the least, she didn’t take it very well.  Our present issue of setting boundaries for her was a rejection and self proclaimed guilt about the sexual abuse in my childhood.  Many things happened between that moment and my first day of counseling.  We will not get into those details just yet.

With many consultations with my Pastors and guidance in finding a Christian counselor, I was about to take a step that ultimately would change my life forever.  That day is best explained in a letter I wrote to a friend in my gratitude of helping me through that day…

“I remember the day so clearly.  It was the day you gave me something that moved me deeply.  As that day began, I was so unsure as to what was going to happened and what I was going to do.  When I went to pick up, I pulled into a parking space and sat there wondering if I could take that step that lied ahead.  Mustering up all the courage I had, I got out of the truck.  I could barely walk because my nerves and emotions where being tossed on a raging sea.

As I walked in, the Pastors were finishing up a counseling session with a couple.  Being rushed for time, we turned to go.  Pastor spoke up and said, “Let’s pray.”  I didn’t want to pray I just wanted to leave and get it over with.  I didn’t want to face anyone.

Terrified, nauseous, and trembling I took that step.  By the grace of God and a carrying person, I made it through the first step.  You had to drive back because all I could do was cry.  It felt as thought I had been turned inside out and left that way.  When we got back to the church, we began to talk or should I say you began to talk. 

Encouraging and comforting me, you gave me something as a symbol of what seemed to be and what was going to be.  You gave me your snowman earrings.  You took them right out of your ears and placed them in my hand and said: “I want to give you something.  You remember how hard it was to get my ears pierced but I did it anyway.  Let the snowman, which is huge and scary, represent the counseling.  And as you go through the counseling, this whole situation won’t be so scary.  As you make progress, the snowman will begin to melt.  One day you will look back at the snowman and see nothing except a puddle of water.  One day, you won’t be so scared.  So please, accept my gift, would you take them?”

As I held the earrings in my hand, I couldn’t see that snowman melting but I knew one day he wouldn’t be so big.

I have worn the earrings at each session.  I have worn them when I felt down, when you weren’t here and when I felt insecure.  They have become very precious to me.  They represent a stable force-a new found trust in the Lord.  When I look at them, I think of you and how much you have helped me.  I think of how you “were not” there and that He never left me or forsook me.  He had compassion on me.”

Now, the snowman puddle has evaporated!  Only memories that are now a monument to what the Lord has done in my life. 

May you see that the Lord is good and He is worthy to be praised!  I pray that you will have the courage to take the step to total healing in your life. 

Who have you blamed for the sexual abuse that happen to you?  I hit a major road block in my counseling and spiritual growth because of the anger I had festering inside.  I realized that I held GOD accountable for it.  I blamed Him!  After all, He is suppose to protect me and love me…right?  How come He didn’t stop it?  How could he let him do that to me?  Where was He?  WHERE WERE YOU GOD?

In Part II, I will tell you about the vision I had and how it changed my Road of Recovery and gave me great revelation about the gifts God gives to man!

To Trust Again

Written By:  Deborah R.

As I learn to trust again, there is so much to learn.

God, I’m learning to trust myself.  What a surprise, that there is

so much inside of me to learn to trust.  I’m learning to listen to

me inside, to pay attention, to really hear.

I’m learning about my own wisdom, that I do know what is at

the heart of me, what I want, what I feel, what I need.

God, I’m learning to trust other people.  There are people in

this world who do what they say they will do.  I’m learning to

sort through people.  I’m learning the difference between those

who have hurt me and those who have not.  I’m learning,

gingerly, carefully, to put my weight down full on that

which can hold me up.

God, I’m learning to trust you.  I’m learning to put into words

things I have been afraid to tell you.  I’m learning that your

steadfast love endures forever, that you will not abandon me,

that you do not lie to me.  I’m learning that you do not hurt me,

call me stupid, run out of patience, forget to do what you said

you would, change your mind, change the rules.

God, I’m learning to trust the truth.  I’m learning its power,

tts freedom.

I’m learning that I can speak truth, believe truth…believe in me.

Amen

The Ultimate Betrayal - Part 2

UNDERSTANDING INCEST – PART II

Written By: Deborah R.

CHARACTERISTICS OF THE INCESTUOUS FAMILY

We are going to take a look at only a few characteristics of an Incestuous Family.  The ramifications of sexual abuse can be so extreme that the abused will lose all sense of reality and never know their own identity.  However; through the Blood of Jesus Christ and His ever present grace and mercy, you can overcome sexual abuse/assault and live a very balanced and productive life.  Jesus came so that we may have life and that life more ABUNDANTLY.

1.  Shame:

Shame can be a horrible spirit that attacks you when you feel you do not measure up to the standards of others.  In some instances, an incestuous family will try to make it as though life is grand and the family is perfect to an extent.  Typically the shame truly resides with the abuser and the victim.  First, the abuser is shamed because some part of their life hasn’t measured up to a standard that was probably set by their abuser and a lack of acceptance based on who they really are.  The victim is shamed in the sense that they are not accepted because they are “dirty.”  They have to perform to a certain level to maintain the peace in the family or perform to keep the family together.  Thus, losing their identity and their need for nurturing is unfulfilled.  Too often this leads the victim into destructive habits that reach far into adulthood.  Perfectionism and Approval must come at any cost.  The victims masks the pain, shame and undo guilt by busying themselves in their careers, at church, and volunteering to the point they are overwhelmed; again, reinforcing the inability to perform for acceptance and love.  This vicious cycle continues throughout the lives of both until they are able to see themselves as God truly sees them.  Accepted and loved for who they are and not what they have done.

2.  Abuse of Power:

Incestuous parents use their position of power to gratify their own needs without regard for harm done to others.  Powerful individuals may rigidly demand one kind of behavior one day and, without prior notice, abandon the first expectation and substitute another.  Such misuses of power are modeled in incestuous families, teaching family members that power is important in human relationships and that powerful people can make their own rules and change them when they want.  This incestuous family system used power irresponsibly as a way to gain and maintain control.  The family needs to understand how the wrong use of power has been destructive to every member of the family.  Those who are abusing power must be willing to change that behavior and learn to replace aggressiveness with assertiveness.  Those who have been abused must learn to become assertive rather then passive.¹  Identifying and confronting this wrong behavior will bring balance to both the abuser and the abused; allowing them to walk in victory.

3.  Distorted Communication:

The lack of communication is what allows sexual abuse to continue in a family cause any type of communication at all to be distorted to all family members.  “No-Talk” rules are typically nonverbal rules set about many topics mainly pertaining to sex talks.  “Walking on Eggshells” to an incestuous family is crucial because no one can ever know what has or is happening.  Either the abused or family members carry a great deal of guilt and shame that causes them to protect themselves for the family from exposure of incest.

A.  Appeasement:

To avoid conflict at any level keeping becomes a way of life generally for the abused. Not wanting to “stir” the waters or bring attention to themselves.  The abused typically feels as though they need to meet “needs” of others whether emotional or sexual in hopes of maintaining peace.

B.  Blame:

Blame is the presence of hidden shame and can be extremely destruction to the self-worth and self-esteem.  Blame can come from the offending parent as well as the non-offending parent.  It may sound like this, “If you hadn’t walked around in those shorts and nightgowns, I wouldn’t have done that.  It wasn’t my fault, I was seduced.”  Or from the non-offending parent, “If you would have kept your mouth shut, our family would still be together.”  “It’s because of your behaviors my husband is gone.”  “He’s really not a bad person, he just needs help.”  This can put an overwhelming unjust guilt on the one who has been abused. 

4.  Social Isolation:

This is all based on fear!  Fear from that someone will find out.  Fear of exposure.  Never having a true relationship with anyone causes a void.  The lack of nurturing, love and acceptance is replaced with shame, guilt and fear causing the individual or the entire family to retreat into isolation.

5.  Denial

Denial is a form of a self-defense mechanism that the abused or family members to cope with the reality, or the non-existence, of the sexual abuse.  It takes a great deal of denial by family members to overlook incest.  To the victim, they are getting a sex education or “helping Dad.” 

6.  Lack of Intimacy

Relationships involve closeness that is deep personal.  The lack of trust, poor self-esteem, and the inability to acknowledge the needs of others creates a void that neither the victim nor family members are able to establish healthy relationships.  In the incestuous family, this is typically found between the husband and wife.

7.  Blurred Boundaries:

We all have boundaries, “the invisible shield surrounding us, something like a capsule.  This invisible line marks our limits – where we end and the rest of the world begins.  When our boundaries are well defined, we can express and take responsibility for what we think, what we feel, and what we do.”²  Veering off course from the typical roles of Father, Mother and child causes a role reversal and a blurring of boundaries.  Parents have little respect for the privacy of the child.  Walking into bedroom while getting dressed, walking in on others while taking a baths or using the restroom leaves the child feeling as thought their bodies, feelings and personal space has no value.

8.  Dependency/Emotional Neediness:

When this neediness is developed in child, it produces a needy adult.  If the adult’s needs are not met by another person, this is where addictive dependency occurs.  “If you can’t meet my needs then Mr. Jack Daniels can.”  A substitute will take the place of person.  Often the dependent person tries to meet their needs through sources that will leave them unfulfilled.  Such as alcohol, drugs, food, bad relationships, pornography or sex with a child.  And so the cycle continues.

9.  Lack of Forgiveness:

To put it plain and simple, without forgiveness, the trauma of incest will never be resolved.  In not forgiving, the victim continues to give control to the abuser by replaying the scenes over and over and allowing the pain, anger and hatred to grow uncontrollably.  Whether by the abused or the abuser, when forgiveness enters, it gives a person the power to turn off the video in the head and allows God by His grace to begin to heal the deep hurt.  Once again, giving the person the ability to turn stop replaying the past hurts.  A misconception of forgiveness is that it says it’s okay what the other person has done.  Forgiveness is a process where trust has to be rebuilt after the ULTIMATE BETRAYAL.

¹Lynn Heitritter & Jeanette Vought, Helping Victims of Sexual Abuse – A sensitive, Biblical Guide for Counselors, Victims and Families (Bethany House Publishers, 1989), 70.

²Marilyn Mason, “Intimacy”Center City, Minn. Hazelden Foundation

The Ultimate Betrayal part 1

UNDERSTANDING INCEST – PART 1

Written By: Deborah R.

By God’s design, the primary channel for learning one’s identity, for having needs met, for understanding who God is, and for developing relationships is the family system.  John Bettler, writing in the Institute of Biblical Counseling Perspective, states that “man as the image of God exists in two parts, male and female.”  Both male and female components, in the role of mother and father in a family system, directly affect our composite image of God, of self, and of interpersonal relationship.

In families where one or both parents represent distortions of God within that family system, relationships will be skewed and pain will result.  First Corinthians 12:26, “And whether one member suffer, all the members suffer,” illustrates how every part of the Body (or a family) suffers when one part suffers.  This is true both in families where incest is occurring or where abuse is occurring by a perpetrator outside the family, but the family is unaware of it.

Scripture speaks to incestuous family systems with the principle found in Galatians 5:9: “A little leaven leavens the whole lump.”  Families involved in incest have several common denominators, and each individual is impacted by the “leaven” in that system.  Once the family system is understood, intervention then becomes possible.  Restoration will only be complete as each individual takes responsibility before God and other family members to correct the dysfunctions.

Lynn Heitritter & Jeanette Vought, Helping Victims of Sexual Abuse – A sensitive, Biblical Guide for Counselors, Victims and Families (Bethany House Publishers, 1989), 61.

In PART II, we will take a look at some of the:  Characteristics of the Incestuous Family-

1. Shame
2. Abuse of power
3. Distorted communication
4. Social isolation
5. Denial
6. Lack of intimacy
7. Blurred boundaries
8. Dependency/emotional neediness
9. Lack of forgiveness