By: Walterene Jones
I have been familiar for years with people talking about the different stages that a person goes through when they are grieving the loss of a loved one. Just days after my husband passed away I received a letter from the Chaplain at the hospital where my husband passed. He was wishing me his “condolences” for my loss. I understand that the phrase is what is politically correct but in reality it is such an empty phrase and it has begun to aggravate me when people say it. It just sounds like an empty formality to me not a heart felt sorrow for my loss, just simply a phrase that people say because they are supposed to. Along with his condolences he attached a page identifying the difference stages of grief for me. Just this week my late husband’s uncle mailed me a copy of the little booklet Good Grief by: Granger E. Westberg.
I’m sorry if I may be sounding a bit facetious and perhaps a bit repugnant. Please do not get me wrong, I am very thankful for all the people God has put into my life and all my family, church family, friends and neighbors that have been there for me. I couldn't’t make it without them. But honestly, when I’m feeling the overwhelming loss, emptiness and loneliness from losing my husband of 30 years, I’m not going to get up each morning and flip open a book to see where I am and which stage of grief I am going through. As a matter of fact, right now it feels like I’m going through stages 1 through 6 all at once.
But since I’m received all this information about the stages of grief, I thought I would share them with you so you can become familiar with them too.
STAGE ONE
We are in a State of Stock
STAGE TWO
We express Emotion
STAGE THREE
We feel Depressed and Very Lonely
STAGE FOUR
We May Experience Physical Symptoms of Distress
STAGE FIVE
We May Become Panicky
STAGE SIX
We Feel a Sense of Guilt about the Loss
STAGE SEVEN
We are Filled with Anger and Resentment
STAGE EIGHT
We Resist Returning
STAGE NINE
Gradually Hope Come Through
STAGE TEN
We Struggle to Affirm Reality
Mr. Westberg says on page 1…
“And so, what can be the result of reading this book, of good grieving?
We come out of our grief experience at a slightly higher level of maturity than before.
- We come out of our grief as deeper persons, because we have been down in the depth of despair and know what it is like.
- We come out of it stronger, for we have had to learn how to use our spiritual muscles to climb the rugged mountain trails.
- We come out of it better able to help others. We have walked through the valley of the shadow of grief. We can understand.”
Personally, I am growing very weary of all these feelings, the uncontrollable crying, not being able to talk to people without breaking down into tears, the unknown for my brand new start over in life, the panic when things go wrong with the car and it costs me $350.00 to fix it, then I realize I don’t know when Steve changed out the air filters in the house last or changed the oil in the car last, and I try to remember how he fixed something the last time it gave us trouble. Mr. Westberg, you have a great little book with a lot of information, but how do I control the crying or panic or fears I am facing?
So, I’m back to where I was in the beginning before I read the informative book. I go to my secret place crawling up into my Abba Father’s arms and begging him to hold me close, hide me under the shelter of His wings and give me strength and peace, fill the emptiness and return the Joy into my life again. Because His word tells me in Romans 15:13 “Now the God of HOPE fill you with all JOY and PEACE.” And I find in Zechariah 4:6 “Not by might, nor by power, but by MY SPIRIT, saith the Lord of Hosts.”
Some of the old hymns of my childhood are coming back to my memory so strongly and are so precious to me because the writers of the lyrics knew what grief was and they give me hope and tell me the outcome. A couple that are really ministering to me are:
I Know Who Holds Tomorrow By: Ira Stanphill
I don't know about tomorrow, I just live from day to day;
I don't borrow from it's sunshine,
For it's skies may turn to gray.
I don't worry o'er the future, For I know what Jesus said;
And today I'll walk beside Him, For He knows what lies ahead
(chorus)
Many things about tomorrow I don't seem to understand;
But I know who holds tomorrow, and I know who holds my hand
Ev'ry step is getting brighter
As the golden stairs I climb; ev'ry burden's getting lighter,
Ev'ry cloud is silver-lined.
There the sun is always shining,
There no tear will dim the eye;
At the ending of the rainbow, Where the mountains touch the sky.
(chorus)
Many things about tomorrow I don't seem to understand;
But I know who holds tomorrow, and I know who holds my hand
It is Well With my Soul
This hymn was written after two major traumas in Horatio Spafford’s life. The first was the great Chicago Fire of October 1871, which ruined him financially (he had been a wealthy businessman). Shortly after, while crossing the Atlantic, all four of Spafford’s daughters died in a collision with another ship. Spafford’s wife Anna survived and sent him the now famous telegram, “Saved alone.” Several weeks later, as Spafford’s own ship passed near the spot where his daughters died, the Holy Spirit inspired these words. They speak to the eternal hope that all believers have, no matter what pain and grief befall them on earth.
When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Refrain
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come,
Let this blest assurance control,
That Christ has regarded my helpless estate,
And hath shed His own blood for my soul.
Refrain
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!
Refrain
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
For me, be it Christ, be it Christ hence to live:
If Jordan above me shall roll,
No pang shall be mine, for in death as in life
Thou wilt whisper Thy peace to my soul.
Refrain
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
But, Lord, ‘tis for Thee, for Thy coming we wait,
The sky, not the grave, is our goal;
Oh trump of the angel! Oh voice of the Lord!
Blessèd hope, blessèd rest of my soul!
Refrain
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.
And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight,
The clouds be rolled back as a scroll;
The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend,
Even so, it is well with my soul.
Refrain
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.