When
Love Is Not Enough
I
want to go off track just a bit, and give some advice, in case you are in the
dating stage of your relationship heading for a second marriage. If you are
married already, this will help you and I will offer some advice to you as
well.
I
once heard Dr. Laura Schlessinger say love is about 30% of a marriage. Being a
romantic I thought surely it was more than that, but when you look at a
marriage realistically, you find that Dr. Laura and the song by Patty Smyth are
right, “Baby, sometimes love just ain’t enough”. You would think that in a
second marriage we’d be a little wiser with our hearts but that really isn’t
the case. The heart falls in love the same way it always does and the head
needs to be the voice of reason. There are some good reasons to postpone or
walk away from a potential partner even when you love them.
Look
for the warning signals and listen to your gut. Are either of you too involved
with ex’s? Where there are children involved, there are going to be
conversations, I’m talking about being too involved. Does the ex have
house keys? Are family dinners still taking place? Are holidays still spent
together? Having you come into the scene might be a really confusing thing to a
child whose parent has moved out but everything else looks like a family to
them. That will create a war with you and the child and it will not be pretty.
Is the ex-couple still at war? There are no wars when it’s not personal
anymore.
Do
you agree with parenting styles? This will be the number 1 debate in a second
marriage. Pay attention to time and interaction with his children. Is the
visitation agreement being adhered to or is it casual? Is he constantly in
court fighting over custody? Do you really want to be a part of that? Are you
financially equipped for court battles? Does the amount of money it costs to
raise the children going to be an issue for you? Will there be things one set
of kids will be able to afford to do, say summer camps or luxury gifts, that
the other set of kids will not be afforded the opportunity to do? How will this
affect your household? Be honest! Think practically.
Now
look at the blame game. Is his divorce all his ex’s fault? Has he claimed to
have no control over his life whatsoever? Did everything just happen to him
without his participation? This is the mind of a victim thinker and victim
thinkers blame. Then ask yourself if you have accepted your responsibility in
the demise of your marriage as well? Are you playing the victim? Often when we
see someone who we feel is a victim we tend to think we can fix them. We
neglect to think about what happens to the relationship, and the changes it
will go through, once one or both of you become whole again.
A
second marriage is different in that it brings on added stresses and
realizations. This isn’t just about the usual questions of a first marriage,
although these questions are important. No, the issues in second marriages are
even greater than that. I believe that most often we ignore that there are
other issues that go with a second marriage and we neglect that we are bringing
with us baggage that just doesn’t exist in a first marriage.
In
my honest opinion I don’t think anyone should go into a first marriage with
someone who is on their second marriage, if there are children involved. It’s
way too complicated and best left alone. The heartache I’ve seen in these
marriages are too much to bear.
What happens if you are reading this but you are already married and living out a nightmare? Can it be repaired? The great news is it can. It will require serious work. It will require some therapy and a lot of self-examination, letting some dreams go, letting some control go and a lot of patience and grace as you wade through this. Are you willing to do the work? Are you willing to do some changing? I’m praying that you are. Next time we’ll talk about boundaries in second marriages.
Susan Young
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