I was sitting at the back of the restaurant, rolling silverware, and taking care of the last details of my shift. Two loud men walked in. I immediately knew them I shrunk down in my chair and hoped they didn't recognize me. They made their way to the table right behind me and had a seat. I grew very still even held my breath hoping they wouldn't see me. I pretended to be normal and kept working. I could hear them talking about girlfriends past and then they started talking about a girl they had so much fun with. One of the men bragged about how much dope he put into her drink to get her to pass out. He leaned back in his chair and put his head right next to mine and said "You can have anything you want from a fifteen year old if you give her enough dope." Then he laughed so loud I jumped. I gathered my things and with as much composure as I could, which only brought more fits of laughter from those awful men. I ran to my car climbed in and locked the doors terrified. I tore out of the parking lot and headed for safety. Now they knew where I worked. I contemplated quitting my job. I got very angry because I had finally put that night out of my life. I had rebuilt my life and now it was all ruined. The more I thought about it the more angry I got. I decided to once again bury the past, just pretend it never happened. I was very successful in my plan until the day My daughter told me that she had been raped.
It was a life changing moment for me. I later found out that two of my daughters had been raped and the third was forced to keep the secret. I punished myself harshly for allowing this to happen in their lives. I blamed myself because I was the adult, I should have known better. I should have watched closer. We immediately brought charges against their aggressor. The legal fight was on and it was very ugly. I became depressed and angry. It seemed that counseling wasn't helping anybody, I was completely ineffective at home and our beautiful life was falling apart right in front of my eyes. I knew I was failing, and with the fate of my girls at stake, I had to find a way to put all this back together.We started going to church, because I thought it might be a good place to start. I was desperate to say the very least.
We had now been in the fight of our lives for one year. Our assailant had finally been arrested. Then the courtroom drama began.We went from one appointment to another trying to reclaim our lives. I was driving home from yet another courtroom nightmare where all the car salesmen (lawyers) meet with their clients to try to sell their deals, one after another. We originally charged our aggressor with Sexual Assault of a minor. 2 counts. Each count carried a 99 year sentence. That's what I wanted him to pay. My heart was set on having a safe environment for my girls to live in. 10 years was not enough, they would only be beginning their lives and he would be out. 20 years wouldn't be enough, they would just be having children that's not a good time. I burned with rage against that man. I hated him. The purest unadulterated form of hate. I hated the system, I hated having no control of our lives, I hated reliving this tragedy over and over again, and most of all, I hated watching my family suffer.
I looked in my rear view mirror and coming up behind me on his motorcycle- Our aggressor. It blew my mind. How he could hurt so many people without regret. Imprison us in our home, and be roaming free - smiling even. Out enjoying a ride on his bike on a beautiful day. My foot instantly hit the accelerator, and without even considering it, I knew about a blind corner coming up. There were always accidents there. I sped up and braced for impact.
At that moment I stood on the edge of insanity and debated jumping in and satisfying my craving for revenge.To get a "right now" justice. At that moment I felt like the only way I could feel better was if he couldn't feel at all. My inability to control my circumstances left me grasping for something I could control. I could control my gas pedal. If I wiped him off the face of this Earth my girls could feel safe again. People would say it was divine justice. And I could finally quiet my guilt for not originally protecting my daughters. I could protect them now. My soul screamed DO IT -DO IT NOW!! I needed him to bleed like my girls hearts bled. I felt like if he died it brought justice to all women who had been hurt by a man. A picture of my girls getting married without me flashed through my mind, all the wind blew out of my sail. I couldn't do it. I became angrier with myself than ever. I wimped out. Another failure in a long list of many failures. At just that moment we went around the corner and I got a good look at him. It wasn't him at all. I almost killed an innocent man. I could have ruined so many lives. In that split second I had become the aggressor. I knew now that I couldn't be trusted my judgment was truly impaired.
Hate is a very strong force to be reckoned with. It is all consuming and dangerous. If left unchecked it can leave many families in ruins. I could have spread our pain to everyone. God knows there was enough to go around. We were all very alone at that time. Family's take sides, friends get uncomfortable and disappear. Pain can isolate you if you let it. We did.
I didn't feel like I could talk to anyone I didn't want to jeopardize the case. People were always watching our family for signs of cracks, because after all we probably deserved it. I kept my strong face on. What people didn't know was I was broken, and I had been for a long time. I focused on my hatred of him to keep my face straight. If I was angry I could function. If I let go of that all I would have left would be pain, and I couldn't deal with that. I always told my girls if we act hurt he wins. I didn't want him to win. I didn't want to give an inch. So we pretended to be normal. We did normal things. I spurred the girls on when things got hard. I wouldn't let them quit. But like every other facade, I shattered the idea of being normal with my little plot. Murderous thoughts were always on my mind, but acting on them was a whole new level- one that scared me. Talk about being scared straight. My family needed a real healing- no more keeping up appearances. It was time for some soul searching. My prayer became " Lord create in me a new heart because mine is black with hate. Father please find something in me that's good because I cant see the way anymore. I cant see. Thank you Jesus he did just that. His word really isn't void. After crying out to God, I had finally released Him to move in my life. One day when God and I were talking, He told me that I could never help my daughters to heal if I didn't face my own pain. Once again I got depressed, because I didn't know how. I have finally learned the secret. It is simply forgiveness. I couldn't forgive myself for being so stupid and trusting those who I thought were my friends. By forgiving myself, I became free. Gods love ebbed into my heart slowly and pushed all the hate right out. The biggest surprise to me was I was able to heal without depression, without finding myself in a heap somewhere. I was completely functional and even happy. My Father takes good care of me. He sent me friends, a place to belong, good council, a safe place. The cleft in the rock is a real place not just an old story. I have lived there. Because of my healing I can truly say to all women who find themselves in this situation FORGIVE YOURSELF !!! It was not your fault. You didn't deserve it.
written by S.
2 Chronicles 7:14 If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from Heaven and forgive their sin and will heal their land.
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