Written By: Deborah R.
After the divorce was over, I was trying hard to make life normal for me and my children. I was trying to get a grip on my own emotions when I began to see a real problem with both of my children ages 10 and 6. Both, in their own ways, began acting out the confusion and inexpressible feelings they felt. Still being confused by living with mom and then having to go and visit dad and his new friend threw a whole new dimension to our house. Bursts of anger, problems at school were just a few things I was having to work through with both of them. One being very physical with other kids and the other being very stern in their ways caused more confusion and it grieved my heart as I knew it was caused from the divorce. How do you correct a problem that you feel you’ve caused? How do you make the pain in your children go away that you feel responsible for? I had to learn when to correct with punishment and when to correct with love. We all had hurts we were trying to deal with. We all are outspoken and very vocal. Even so, there has to be a line drawn that everyone knows they can speak what they are feeling without tearing into or tearing down someone else.
Attitudes….
Boy, we have had and have our share of attitudes. The worst times always seem to be when they come back from being with their dad for the weekend. One, if not both, always seemed to have a bad attitude when coming home. I got to the point when I would have to remind them that they are not at their dad’s and that they needed to go to their rooms until they lost the attitude and then they were welcome to come out and be with the rest of us. It seemed to work for us. Refocusing their mind from one household to another seemed to work. With different households, there are different rules, morals and virtues.
Divorce affects everyone and I think it hits children in ways that are yet to be seen. Children are made with love and love both mom and dad equally. Too many times they are put in the middle and made to choose sides. These little beings are not capable of doing such. Their mental and emotional capabilities are not made to nor are they equipped to. One of the major results of having to make this decision and being forced to grow up before they are suppose to is anger. They become confused in feeling they are betraying one parent. How does that anger go away? Sometimes it never does. Sometimes it’s turned into something else that becomes a driving force in their lives. I believe that it takes a whole village to raise a child. Having children in an environment where they are accountable to others who love them as much as you do is vital. It may not be your family…it may be your church family and friends; people who are able to talk to them on a different level than you, those who you trust to address problematic issues right away with assertiveness and love and then inform you later. Anger can only be dissolved by love.
Defusing anger is a very interesting concept all by itself. No matter what is happening somehow we are to calm children down, denying our own personal feelings and guide them by what is right not by feelings. Colossians 3:21 says, “Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged. There were times when my son would come home so upset that he would rant and rave about his dad saying over and over, “I hate him! I hate him!” Although everything within me was agreeing with him and wanted to add to the conversation too, what he was saying simply wasn’t true. I would give him a hug and say, “You don’t hate your dad. You may not like what he is doing right now or may not agree with him but you don’t hate him. He is your dad and you love him. It just hurts you right now.” I can’t tell you how many times this scene was played out over and over. Defusing the anger and hate with a proper perspective is very important for them so they will grow up with healthy minds and the ability to reason.
With younger children, sometimes it’s not so evident. In our case, my child was acting out physically with other children at school. Fights, shoving and pushing, scratching, choking and name calling were definite signs of unresolved anger. Younger children may not have the words to express themselves or may not even know why they are doing these things. Constantly reassurance and nurturing touches helps to calm their little spirits. Also, making big deals out of small accomplishments raises their self-esteem and when they don’t succeed at something commend them for trying and putting their best foot forward. Helping them understand that in life; they may not always succeed and things may not always go the way they want. Even so, they have to try and be satisfied that they did their best.
Proverbs 22:6, “Train up a child in the he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.” It is our job as parents to help our children adapt and learn from life and the endless lessons they will face.
Isaiah 54:13, “All your sons will be taught by the Lord, and great will be your children’s peace.” This peace can only come from them knowing who they are and whose they are.
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