Role Models of America

Marriage

 When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you do, you just might save a marriage.
Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

A CHRIST-CENTERED MARRIAGE IS A MARRIAGE THAT IS SURE TO LAST A LIFETIME.

So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate. Matthew 19:6

11 Principals for a Better Second Marriage

By Karen L. Maudlin

1. Be explicit. Talk through the different styles you each bring to the marriage and negotiate a compromise. Listen to the other and empathize. Take turns saying what solutions will and won't work for you, and be open to each other's ideas. Remember each of you are the expert on your own kids, and for kid-related decisions, the biological parent's preference needs to take priority in most cases. Try to find a win-win solution.
2. Take time together. Regular couple time, focusing just on the relationship and having fun, is vital for success. This may require pulling back on time with friends and family, church, and other responsibilities. Kids take a lot of time, so the couple's alone time must be protected and preserved. Set aside time on the weekends without the children for yourselves, and try to take at least one weekend getaway per year.
3. Talk through expectations. Both of you bring strong ideas from your earlier relationships about what you do and do not want to be like as a wife or husband and what you want your spouse to be like. It is not your spouse's job to make up for your ex-spouse's mistakes. It is both your jobs to identify and communicate your expectations of yourself and your spouse and negotiate any differences.
4. Empathize with the kids and the ex-spouse. Like many aspects of remarriage, a great deal of maturity is required to do this well, perhaps more than most of us can muster up on a good day.
5. Be flexible. This includes everything from discipline to money. Vacations and time alone together have to work around the kids' needs as well as the adults'. For example, if Mother's Day happens to fall on the father's weekend, the adults should flex so the kids don't have to do.
6. Be open and honest about living arrangements. Typically in second marriages, both partners have established residences. Communication and compromise are necessary to solve the problem of where to live.
7. Resolve your first marriage before God. Take time to resolve your first marriage through prayer, therapy, divorce recovery, and pastoral care. Divorce is controversial both in Scripture and in churches, and must be considered on a case-by-case basis to determine the type of pastoral care necessary for healing.
8. Tell the truth about money.
9. Be yourself.
10. Be patient with the process of building a family.
11. Kiss each other goodnight every night.

Copyright © 2001 by the author or Christianity Today International/Marriage Partnership magazine.

 Click here for reprint information on Marriage Partnership.

Fall 2001, Vol. 18, No. 3, Page 55

Think Win! Win!

 

Life presents us with daily challenges that can strain our strength from outside forces.  But when marital challenges face us, it drains our strength from within.  Looking for ways to cope with the stress either brings about another layer of trouble or renewed focus and understanding.  

 

Think for a moment about an trip taken by flight. Airplane turbulence from outside is bumpy and scary.  The weather outside the plane can bring about disorder and demands focus from everyone riding inside. Often it brings nervious thoughts to the travelers riding that bumpy flight.

 

But turbulence from within the plane between pilots or between pilots and the crew or control tower is no less risky.  Or the thoughtless actions of a ground crew that did not properly prepare the plane to fly safely. This social weather can cause serious mistakes to be made, bringing down the plane from man’s failure to rule the situation with wisdom. 

 So it is with marriage.  Outside forces can bring turbulence to each marriage, but it's the inside forces that can cause it to collapse. What is the solution for these inner issues?

Question:  would you be willing to search for a solution that is better than what either of you in the marriage is suggesting?

 

There are two types of  basic solutions:

Win – lose

Win – win. 

 

The type of solution called win – lose brings consequences that will be lasting and makes withdrawals from each person's emotional bank each time it happens.  It can create these platforms for either the husband or the wife to stand on.

1 I am a martyr – go ahead and step on me

2 I resent what you are doing and will become more stubborn as time passes.

 

Win – lose is about ‘who’ is right not ‘what’ is right. 

Win – win consequences will be lasting and will create emotional deposits into both banks each time. It is the only solid foundation for effective family interaction. 

 

It says, what is important to you must be just as important to me.

 

Changing from ‘me’ to ‘we’ will change your entire lifestyle.  No longer just focusing on your own schedule, your own priorities.  You have to sacrifice, You have to think about others about meeting their needs about what makes them happy.  Think up a solution that causes BOTH of you to win. 

 

Lev. 19:18 ……’Thou shalt love thy neighbor as thyself’.

 

Have you read the book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families?  It's author Stephen Covey covers this subject in depth.  Invest in this book - your knowledge and relationship skills will increase 100 fold!

Putting First Things First

                                                     

 

                                                                                           

Why don’t we put the things that mean the most to us first?

1.Popular Culture – Entertainment has pushed relationship time aside. The average American spends 15 of their 40 hrs of free time watching tv.

2.Laws – Marriage is no longer a covenant or a commitment, it is simply a contract that is easily broken and depreciated thru the courts. It has become a good source of revenue for legal fields of representation.

3.Economy – The rising cost of living has forced changes in marriage by dual jobs and no time or energy  to spend together.

4.Technology – has put us into materialistic overload, and has caused a revolution in expectations.  Instant visual impact influences families to ‘do’ before thinking. Poor choices result in more pressure. Desire has replaced Need.

 

When we encounter extremely powerful influence sources …. We literally experience a kind of conscience or spiritual vertigo.  We become disoriented and our moral compass is thrown off.

 

There are natural laws that never change.  North, south, east west never change.    And these principals ultimately govern all behavior and consequences.  The challenge is for principles and our behavior to align.

 

Natural systems – which are based on Principles which do not change.

Social systems which are based on values and behavior that can and do change. 

 

Have you ever ‘crammed’ at school?

Have you ever ‘crammed’ on a farm?  Cramming works for social systems but not for natural systems.  You can study hard and fast for a mental test, but can’t plant hard and fast and expect to get a crop out of the ground quickly. It is impossible to forget to plant in the spring and goof off all summer then hit it hard in the fall and expect to bring in the harvest. 

 

Is it possible to get good grades and even credentials out of school and not get an education? In other words when it comes to the natural system of developing your mind, it is governed more by the law of the farm than the law of the school.- by a natural rather than a social system.

 

‘Cramming’ for weight loss?  In order to achieve permanent and healthy weight loss you must align the direction of travel- your habits and your lifestyle with the natural laws or the principles that bring the desired results with principles such as proper nutrition and regular exercise.  The social value system may reward immediate results through some crash  diet, but the body eventually outsmarts the strategy of the mind,  so we can see that not only the farm but also the mind and the body are governed by natural laws. 

 

In the long run, are relationships governed more by the law of the farm or the law of the school? 

 

You can’t talk yourself out of problems you behave yourself into and unless you are trustworthy you cannot produce trust.  

 

 We come to understand that the principles of trustworthiness, integrity and honesty are the foundation of any relationship that endures over time. People may fake it for a while but eventually violated principles destroy trust.   And it doesn’t make any difference if you are dealing with relationships between people or relationship between organizations or relationships between society and government or between one nation and another.

 

Ultimately there is a moral law and a moral sense – an inward knowing, a set of principles that are universal, timeless and self evident that are in control.

 

The essence of real happiness and success is to align the direction of travel with natural laws or principles.  What are these principals that cannot be changed?

 

Honesty

Truth

Trust

 

In spite of the work we do on mission statements, if we don’t internalize them in our hearts and minds and inside the culture of the family, these cultural forces will confuse and disorient us.  They will stagger our sense of morality so that ‘wrong’ is defined more by getting caught that by doing wrong. 

 

Pilots are trained in the use of instruments whether or not they actually fly in instrument conditions.  And that why it’s so important the family be trained to use the instruments – the 4 God given gifts  that help them to stay on track.

 

In an epic historical study one of the world’s greatest historians, Edward Gibbon, identified 5 main caused of the decline and fall of Roman civilization:

1. the breakdown of the family structure
2. the weakening of a sense of individual responsibility
3. excessive taxes and government control and intervention
4. seeking pleasures that become increasingly hedonistic, violent and immoral
5. the decline of religion. 

 

Who’s going to raise my children?  Today’s alarmingly destructive culture or Me?

Who’s going to give me a great marriage?  Today’s alarming destructive culture or Me?

Make a choice to live by Godly Christian  principals – it will keep your marriage strong in the upheavals of this modern world. Put first things first - for a long lasting marriage. 

 

** These are lessons that I have taught using the book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families.  I highly recommend buying this book written by Stephen Covey!

Pastor Gayla Holley       

 

 

7 Habits to Help Your Marriage - Habit 2

Habit 2

Beginning with the End in Mind

Personal Scripting - what is taught in childhood is what molds our thinking for adulthood. This is the invisible imprinting that affects our judgment and decision making abilities.  

What is yours from childhood?  And what was his? Believe it or not, it really affects all major ways one deals with life as an adult.   

If you carefully consider the problems people face in marriage you will generally find that all conflicts stem from 2 sources.

1.     Conflicting role expectations – who played what role when you were a child. (leader/follower, responsibilities done by whom)

2.     Problem solving strategies – what was the ways things were solved when you were a child. (moods, silent treatment, unforgiveness, temper tantrums, violence)

 

There are 2 basic types of Conflict Patterns:

Passive aggressive = may say nothing but is seething inside continuously judging and becomes increasingly irritated. May handle things from ‘behind the scene’ – pay back

Active aggressive = talk it out, thrash it out, fight it out. Emotionally charged.

Understanding these differences can help so much to start on the road to understanding your mate. 

What is your definition of the word Love?

Definitions may be different (example to one the word ‘love’ may be a verb, and to the other the word ‘love’ may be a feeling. Do you know yours and his definitions of the word love?

This coming together – this sharing and agreeing upon role expectations, problem-solving strategies, vision and values in a relationship is called

Co- missioning.  In other words it’s a co-mingling or joining of missions or purposes.  It’s joining them together so that they have the same destination.  This instantly transcends ‘your way’ or ‘my way’ to ‘our way’.

Without a unifying sense of vision and values to follow, there is no family identity or purpose. To have a meaningful marriage – each couple must define who and what they are going to become. Not me, or you but rather ‘us’.  What is our mission statement for our marriage?  The reason a mission statement is so important in a marriage is that no two people are completely alike.  There are always differences.  Unless time is taken to explore these differences and create a sense of shared vision, then these differences can drive a couple apart. What sort of questions should you ask of each other in the creation of a Mission Statement.

• Who are we as individuals?
• What do we want to focus on in each other?
• What are our plans to accomplish in life?
• What legacy will we leave for other after our life is over? 

In the course of time – each partner can realize the giftedness the other one brings to the relationship – thus differences become appreciations instead of irritations.

This book 'The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families' can REALLY make a difference in your marriage, we encourage you to get this  book!  It was written by Stephen Covey and it is invaluable for every couple to have and practice. RMA has used this book as a textbook in marriage classes often.   

The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families

written by Stephen Covey

Habit 1.

When a woman's family life is less than satisfactory there are principals that she can learn to help overcome barriers that are very helpful tools.  Stephan Covey's book holds great secrets for her! 

The first principal listed is to Be Proactive. – this is the ability to act based on principles and values rather than reacting based on emotion or circumstance.  The ability to do that comes from the development and use of four unique human gifts that animals do not have.

A woman's four God-given gifts are…….

Self-awareness - the ability to observe or  become aware of one’s own behavior and tendencies. She has the ability to analyze her own behavior and change it.

Conscious - one’s moral or ethical ‘inner voice’

Imagination - the ability to envision a better response that brings lasting results.

Independent will - the power to take action.

These 4 gifts lies silently in the space between stimuli and response.

Psalms 51:6 says....

Behold thou desirest truth and the hidden things of thy wisdom thou hast made known to me.

The overwhelming gift most neglected in a woman is self-awareness.  Until the gift of self awareness is cultivated the use of conscience, imagination and will power will always be’ within the box ‘ (or within one’s own life experience or ones’ present way of thinking or paradigm) Becoming self aware makes her conscious of her self, inside and out. 

The Circle of Influence: The reactive tendency is for her to focus on the circle of concern. Things that she is worried about, but has no control over.  But this only causes the circle of influence (areas of life she does have control over) to be diminished.   The nature of energy focus on the outer circle of concern is negative (you cannot change it)  And when you combine that negative energy with neglect of the circle of Influence inevitably the circle influence gets smaller. Thus making frustrations mount higher, and the feelings of helplessness to occur. And she moves from being proactive - to reactive to her surroundings, usually with negative results.   

Focusing upon the circle of influence takes one's mind off of those things which cannot be changed and puts it in the encouraging format of bringing real change to one's own heart. Learn to focus your mind on those things that you DO HAVE control over, and watch how God brings solutions along the way for the things you don't have control over. Become Proactive. A great habit to practice.    

How can a couple quit fighting?

Declaration of Interdependence

There are different styles of marriages:

Dependence - being unable to stand alone- must have mate mentally, emotionally and spiritually, unhappy without their attention. 

Independence

– standing alone- ignoring mate’s needs, self motivated actions, tends to make decisions based on self. 

Interdependence – the ability to stand alone- but choosing to connect with spouse, bringing individual gifting to add to whole value of couple.

The Policy of Joint Agreement:

Never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between spouses.

                                                                                             

Thoughtfulness at all costs, brings sensitivity and care one for another. Think about this passage of scripture and how it could be used in the context of marriage. 

ROMANS 12:9-21

⁹Let love be without dissimulation. Abhor that which is evil; cleave to that which is good.

¹⁰Be kindly affectionate one to another with brotherly love; in honor preferring one another

¹¹Not slothful in business; fervent in spirit; serving the Lord;

¹²Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer;

¹³Distributing to the necessity of saints; given to hospitality.

¹⁴Bless them which persecute you: bless, and curse not.

¹⁵Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.

¹⁶Be of the same mind one toward another. Mind not high things, but condescend to men of low estate. Be not wise in your own conceits.

¹⁷Recompense to no man evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men.

¹⁸If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.

¹⁹Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.

²⁰Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head.

²¹Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.

Here are the Types of handling Conflicts.

Dictator Strategy:

These couples make decisions for personal interests at the expense of mate, One partner is the victim upon completion. 

Dueling Dictators Strategy :

As resentment grows the subordinate spouse stages their own coup creating solid walls of resistance.  Both partners become victims.

Anarchy Strategy:

Everyone for themselves, forget resolving issues, refusal to try to renew relationship endures each other and lives for self.

Biblical Strategy:

Both spouses don’t make decisions until they are in agreement. Neither spouse imposes their will upon the other. Making mutual decisions to benefit both, creates harmony and emotional bonding.

Guideline #1  Set ground rules to make negotiations pleasant and safe

Ground Rule #1 Try to be pleasant and cheerful throughout negotiations. (remember body language and voice inflections)

Ground Rule #2 Put safety first. Don’t make demands, show disrespect, or anger even if your mate does.

Ground Rule #3 If you reach an impasse where you are not getting anywhere or if one of you is starting to reach beyond the boundaries, stop negotiations and come back to the issue later.  End the discussion by changing the subject to something more pleasant.  After a brief pause the offending mate may apologize and wish to return to the subject that was so upsetting.  But don’t go back into the minefield until it has been swept clear of mines. 

Guideline #2 Identify the problem from both perspectives.

Try This:

Before you start explaining each of your perspectives take 5 minutes to write down your thoughts on paper.  This will help clarity your concerns before you begin discussion the issue with your spouse and it’s a good way to avoid demands, disrespect and anger.

Guideline #3 Brainstorm with abandon

Try This:

Carry paper with you so you can jot down possible solutions to a problem as you think of them throughout the day.  Some problems may require days of thought and pages of ideas.  Keep in mind your goal a solutions that has mutual appeal.

Guideline #4 Choose the solution that meets the conditions of the Policy of Joint Agreement – mutual and enthusiastic agreement. 

Try This:

It is easier to have agreement regarding a short term experimental plan than a plan set in cement for life.  If the plan doesn’t work out for one spouse you can go back to brain storming for a new one.

To avoid arguments about money use the Policy of Joint Agreement to create a budget. And then spend outside the budget only if you are both in  enthusiastic agreement.  Review your budget 3 months later to be sue you are still in agreement about each item.

The Policy of Joint Agreement not only helps you become great negotiators, it also protects your love for each other. Think Win – Win where both partners win. Don’t operate as the concept of Lose – Win, when one wins and the other feels like they lost.  Or the other form which is Lose – Lose! Marriage can be great – when each partner learns to operate in maturity and wisdom.   

Practice makes perfect. Look for the Win/Win solutions in life.

These notes are taken from the book called   ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People’ written by  author Stephan Covey.

Catch Phrases

At different times and for 8 weeks at a time, I teach a marriage class at New Life.  This is one of the lessons that is helpful to ALL married couples.  I thought I would share it with you – come….. let me show you a valuable technique.

Catch-phrases
Your secret code to defuse conflict
By Pam and Bill Farrel

Let's face it: opposites do attract—then annoy! That thing you first fell in love with really ticks you off after a while. That sexy, disheveled look now reminds you of a walking pigsty. The cute way she'd pout when she wanted you to do something now feels like pure manipulation. If we aren't careful, those initial attractions-turned-annoyances-turned-conflict can pull us apart.

We've found the best way to handle such annoyances is to deal with them before they become full-out conflicts. How? Believe it or not, it's as simple as using a "password" or "catch-phrase": key words the two of you agree on that allow you to get back on track in your relationship.

For instance, when we were newlyweds, I (Pam) was a bit of a drama queen. If Bill said something that hurt my feelings, I'd cry, "You don't love me any more!" then run to our bedroom, slam the door, throw myself across the bed, and wait for Bill to follow me in and apologize. It was quite the performance!

Bill patiently endured these outbursts, until one day when my brother, Bret, was over. I went into my melodrama, and instead of Bill following me into our room, Bret entered applauding, took a trophy off the shelf, and said, "For best actress, we have Pam Farrel!"

Bill was thinking, He's dead, and somehow I'm going to pay for this!                         

Instead of reacting with anger, though, I started to laugh. My brother knew me; my number was up. Bill realized that when my drama threatened our relationship, a little humor helped. So the next time I went into my acting routine, Bill walked in and quoted his favorite line from Rocky in his best, although not very good, Philly accent.

"Yo, Pam, you know what you get when you tap a turtle on the back? Shell shock. Get it? Shell shock." And I laughed.

Bill discovered a catch-phrase that would calm me, pulling me out of my melodrama and back into reality. From that moment on, any time tensions arise from our differences, such as when Bill is running 10 minutes late—again—one of us can simply pull out a bad Philly accent, or say, "Yo, Pam" or "Shell shock. Get it?" and tempers calm. Even tapping the back of our hand as if we're tapping an imaginary turtle will soothe our nerves or frustrations in a tense public setting.

Your secret code to defuse conflict

Creating a catch-phrase
1. Tie the catch-phrase to a good memory. One couple we know uses their honeymoon, "

Maui

," as a password because it reminds them that days aren't always as rough as the moment they're in! What have been some of the happiest days of your relationship? Reminisce—you might remember an inside joke or create a code word that encapsulates a positive shared experience.

2. Humor helps! You both might enjoy a movie line, a joke punch line, greeting card, or commercial slogan. Some friends of ours are completely different in personality. He's a strong power broker on Wall Street; she's a delicate flower of an artist. In the corporate world, his decisive and authoritative strengths have made him financially successful. But when he used those same traits at home, he built hurt and resentment between them by mowing over her thoughts and feelings during their conversations. As I (Bill) spoke with him about his unintentional, yet hurtful, actions, I suggested they find a password to clue him in that he was overpowering his wife. They both love the Warner Brothers cartoon Roadrunner, and thought that poor flattened coyote perfectly illustrated how she often felt.

Now when she feels overwhelmed by her husband, she just says in her best roadrunner form, "Beep, beep!" That means "Back off, buddy!" in the nicest way.

Another couple likes the show Home Improvement. When Chris tries to "fix" his wife's issues without letting her talk them out completely, she'll say, "Tim Taylor" or "You have your tool box out again."

3. You both need to agree. We've found phrases such as, "Get over it!" aren't very effective! Passwords shouldn't be a phrase one mate uses to club the other over the head, or snide, cutting remarks intended to force the partner to tow the line. Instead, choose a prearranged phrase that makes you both feel better emotionally.

I (Bill) found a way to handle a situation that's been irritating me for almost 10 years. I'm a one-task-at-a-time man who likes to start a project and finish it before I begin another. The only way I can do this is to limit the number of ideas I let myself juggle. Pam, on the other hand, is an idea person. She relaxes by coming up with and discussing new ideas. This energizes her. But listening to it all causes me stress and a lot of irritation!

Oftentimes, when we're sitting around relaxing, Pam will begin sharing her growing list of inspirational thoughts about how to make the world a better place. As I listen to what seems to be an endless stream of ideas, I become worn out.

For years I didn't understand this phenomenon. I felt overwhelmed because I thought I needed to act on every one of her ideas. If they'd been my ideas, I would not have shared them until I was ready to move on them. I assumed Pam was operating the same way. But she wasn't! One day I finally asked her, "Do I need to act on every idea you bring up?" "Of course not!" Pam replied. "I could never do all my ideas."The light went on for me. For the first time, I realized I didn't have to feel responsible for every item Pam brainstormed. What a relief!

I asked Pam, "When you share ideas that I really don't want to act on, can I say, 'Pam, that's a great idea?" With a twinkle in her eye, Pam said, "I think that's a great idea!"

"That's a great idea" has become a catch-phrase in our relationship

I (Pam) use it to prepare Bill for a difficult conversation. For example, I might say, "Hey, I have some great ideas I want to run by you. Is this a good time?" Or Bill can listen and respond to my long list of thoughts with, "Great ideas, Pam," which means, "I admire your creativity, Pam, but I'm not working on them right now!"

Make a date and review the happiest memories of your relationship to see if you already have a word or phrase you can use as your code. Passwords will give you the ability to maintain your patience, and you'll gain a way to regroup when those differences begin to bug you.

Memories to Capture Catch Phrases;

1. Vacation experiences

2. Movies lines that became memories

3. Food experiences

4. Song phrases

Chains do not hold a marriage together.  It is threads, hundreds of tiny threads which sew people together through the years.  ~Simone Signoret

The difficulty with marriage is that we fall in love with a personality, but must live with a character.  ~Peter Devries

So to develop the depth of our characters, God sent the scrub brush of marriage to use on each other’s rough spots.   

Friendship isn't a big thing - it's a million little things.  ~Author Unknown

There's one sad truth in life I've found
While journeying east and west -
The only folks we really wound
Are those we love the best.
We flatter those we scarcely know,
We please the fleeting guest,
And deal full many a thoughtless blow
To those who love us best.
~Ella Wheeler Wilcox