Role Models of America

Almost a Year......

By: 

Walterene Jones

 

 

In a few days it will have been a year since my best friend and husband and I had our last conversation, last embrace and last “I Love You” before he aspirated and was taken into ICU and then the Lord took him home.

 

While I don’t cry myself to sleep every night now and don’t feel like a sharp burning sword has cut my whole heart out, and it is getting easier to make it through the days, I still miss him so much.  I still will turn over during the night and reach over only to awaken and know he is not there or to have something wonderful happen to me and it will flash through my mind, I can’t wait to get home to share it with Steve, then I’ll remember he is not there.

 

This past year has been almost indescribable.  God has showered me with his love, mercy, grace and provisions.   Through each trial and hard time, he has provided for me and brought me through.  He has been faithful each step of the way. 

 

This morning I opened my email Word of the Day I receive and found this awesome word waiting for me…..

 

My comfort is your comfort. Sometimes the comforts of the world seem to satisfy. But in the end, nothing satisfies like Me. I designed and fashioned you. No one knows you like Me. And I have placed a hole in your heart that only I can fill. You have the choice of filling it with Me or with the substitutes the world has to offer. Your heart or hearts tells you that only I can fully comfort you. Isn’t that exciting? Yes, fall to your knees and thank Me for all I have done for you. Ask Me for the things you need. My promises to you are forever. No one can break them. My comfort is your comfort.
Psalms 119:77 “Now comfort me so I can live, really live; your revelation is the tune I dance to.”   Ras Robinson

 

Coping with Grief and Loss

The Guide to Grieving and Bereavement

Losing someone or something you love is very painful — and it’s something that almost everyone will experience at some point in their lives. Loss that goes unacknowledged or unattended can result in disability. But grief that is expressed and experienced has a potential for healing that eventually can strengthen and enrich life. There is no right or wrong way to grieve — but there are ways to make your grieving more complete and more positive.

What is grief?

The definition of grief includes: emotions and sensations that accompany the loss of someone or something dear to you. The English word comes from the Old French grève, meaning a heavy burden. This makes sense when you consider that grief often weighs you down with sorrow and other emotions that can have both psychological and physical consequences.

When someone close to you dies, you don’t just lose that person on the physical level, you also face the loss of what might have been. Your pain can involve missing that person’s presence: sleeping in a bed that’s half empty, craving a scent or an embrace. But knowing that your loved one will miss all of the milestones in your life often lasts longer than the pain of the physical absence. This may include the children that were never born, the trips not taken, colleges not attended, weddings not danced at — every life marker can be a reminder and an occasion for renewed grief.

How you respond to a particular loss

How the person died	Your response to an unanticipated death — a sudden heart attack, an accident, an act of violence — may be very different from the grief you feel when someone you love dies after a long illness. In the latter case, you may experience anticipatory grief, which occurs before the person’s death. You’re just as devastated when the death happens, but because you started grieving earlier, you may be able to recover sooner.
Your relationship with the person	The closeness of the relationship — spouse, parent, sibling, child — plays a role, of course. In the case of a blood relative, another factor is whether the person was a daily or regular presence in your life. Then there’s the psychological nature of the relationship: was it smooth or rocky? If you had unfinished emotional business with the person you lost, if your last interaction was angry or otherwise fraught, that can intensify your experience of grief.
Your personality and coping style	If you’re a normally resilient person, you may feel just as much pain over a loss as someone whose normal state is depressive or emotionally vulnerable, but you may find it easier to recover your equilibrium and to enjoy life again. People who have trouble coping with the setbacks of daily life will have a more difficult time recovering from a serious personal loss.
Your life experience	What you’ve learned about loss from other people and from your own experience can inform how you handle the loss of someone you love.
Support from others	As you’ll see below, it’s essential that you have people in your life who will help sustain you emotionally as you grieve. It’s also important that your friends and family take your loss as seriously as you do. If you lose a cousin or friend who was more like a sibling, your grief shouldn’t be dismissed as less important than that of an immediate relative. Many people downplay miscarriage, even if, to the parents, it represents the death of a baby. Nor does it matter how old the person was who died, or how sick. You lost someone you love, it hurts, and you need the support of people who care about you.

Are there stages of grief?

In 1969, based on her years of working with terminal cancer patients, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced what became known as the “five stages of grief.” While these stages represented the feelings of people who were themselves facing death, many people now apply them to experiencing other negative life changes (a break-up, loss of a job) and to people facing death or experiencing the death of loved ones.

Kübler-Ross proposed these stages of grief:

• Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
• Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
• Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”
• Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”
• Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what is going to happen/has happened.” 

However, Kübler-Ross herself never intended for these stages to be a rigid framework that applies to everyone who mourns. In her last book before her death in 2004, she said of the five stages, “They were never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages. They are responses to loss that many people have, but there is not a typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss. Our grieving is as individual as our lives.”
There is no timetable for grieving. While the sense of loss and the intermittent sadness may never go away completely, people experience the cycle of grief differently. Some find that within a few weeks or months the period between waves of distress lengthens, and they are able to feel peace, renewed hope, and enjoy life more and more of the time. Others may face years of being hit with what feels like relentless waves of grief.
 

Mourning: 

Mourning often involves a culturally appropriate process to help people pass through their grief. While many cultures mourn differently, the mourning processes usually have common ideals: acknowledging and accepting the death, saying farewell, grieving for a specific time period, and some means for continuing to honor the deceased. And finally, mourners are encouraged to move beyond their loss and form new attachments. Different cultures often define what is appropriate behavior for various family members, as well as the role of children during the mourning process.
 

Coping with grief and loss

The single most important factor in healing from loss is having the support of other people. Even if you aren’t comfortable talking about your feelings under normal circumstances, it is important to talk about them when you’re grieving. Knowing that others know and understand your grieving will make you feel better, less alone with your pain, and will help you heal.
 
Support can come from a number of different sources:

Finding support after a loss
Friends	Let people who care about you take care of you, even if you take pride in being strong and self-sufficient. Especially when you live away from family, true friends can offer shoulders for you to cry on until you begin to recover.
Family	The death of a relative can create a path for reunion, and even reconciliation, among surviving relatives. (It can also tear families apart, especially in the case of a sudden or violent death, so it’s important to be sensitive to one another’s approaches to grief and to refrain from accusation.) Sharing your loss can make the burden of grief easier to carry. Reminiscing about the person all of you lost may help everyone recover. If you’ve lost a friend or spouse, family members can form a caring community.
Your faith community	If you follow a religious tradition, embrace the comfort its mourning rituals can provide. Allow people within your religious community to give you emotional support. If you’re estranged from your faith community or have none, this may be a good time to reconnect or to explore alternatives.
Support groups	There are many support groups for people who are grieving, including specialized groups (such as, people who have lost children, survivors of suicides).
Therapists and other professionals	Talking with a psychotherapist or grief counselor may be a good idea if the intensity of your grief doesn’t diminish over time — that is, months go by and you still have physical symptoms, such as trouble with eating or sleeping; or your emotional state impairs your ability to go about your daily routine.

Wherever the support comes from, accept it and do not grieve alone. One of the key elements of healthy grieving is allowing your emotions to surface in order to work through them. In the long run, trying to suppress your feelings in the hope that they’ll fade with time won’t work. Blocking the grieving process will delay or disable your ability to eventually recovery.
 
If people don’t know what they can do to help, tell them — whether it’s going with you to a movie, cooking a meal for you, or just holding you as you cry. If someone is uncomfortable with your displays of emotion or your need to talk about the person you lost, gently let him or her know that talking out your grief is part of your healing process.
 

Helping yourself cope with grief and loss

• Express your feelings in a tangible or creative way. Write about your loved one in a journal, or write the person a letter saying the things you never got to say. Create a scrapbook or artwork about the person; create an appropriate memorial in his or her honor (for example, if the person loved flowers, plant or fund a garden); get involved in a cause or organization that was important to him or her.

• Take care of yourself physically. Get enough sleep, eat sensibly, and engage in regular exercise. Do not use alcohol or drugs to numb the pain of grief or lift your mood artificially. (That may even apply to antidepressants meant to ease the sadness of grief; because grief, unlike depression, is not a disorder, masking the pain with meds may be less productive than working through the sadness.) Healthy habits will help you with grieving, but substance use will impede recovery and can lead to long-term dependence

• Don’t let other people tell you how to feel, and don’t tell yourself how to feel either. Your grief is your own, and no one else can tell you when it’s time to “move on” or “get over it.” At the same time, it’s okay to be angry at the person who died, to cry every day if you need to, to yell at the heavens without being embarrassed. Conversely, it’s okay to laugh, too. If watching the entire oeuvre of the Marx Brothers helps you heal, no one has the right to tell you it’s inappropriate.

• Plan ahead. Anniversaries, holidays, and milestones in life can be particularly challenging. Be prepared for an emotional wallop, and know that it’s completely normal. If you’re sharing a holiday or lifecycle event with other relatives, talk to them ahead of time about their expectations and agree on strategies to honor the person you loved.

 

Difference between grief and depression

If you are grieving, you may experience a number of depressive symptoms, such as frequent crying, profound sadness, and depressed mood. However, while major depression is categorized as a psychological disorder, grief is not. Grief is a normal and healthy response to bereavement, not an illness. Its symptoms are painful, but they serve an adaptive purpose.
 
The American Psychiatric Association states that, as a general rule, normal grief does not warrant the use of antidepressants. While medication may alleviate some of the symptoms of grief, it cannot treat the cause, which is the loss itself. Furthermore, by numbing the pain that must be worked through eventually, antidepressants delay the mourning process. When grief continues to be a disruptive and debilitating presence, you may be suffering from depression. If you have a prior history of depression or lack social support, you are particularly at risk.
 

Symptoms that sugggest a bereaved person is also depressed::

• Intense feelings of guilt.
• Thoughts of suicide or preoccupation with death.
• Feelings of worthlessness.
• Slow speech and body movements.
• Inability to function at work, home, and/or school.
• Finds no pleasure in previously-enjoyed activities.
• Hallucinations of the deceased.

If you develop major depression following the death of a loved one, you may benefit from professional treatment. 

See  Depression: Signs and Symptoms and Depression Treatment.
 

How trauma affects the grieving process

Grief tends to be mixed with trauma when a loss is sudden and unexpected — a fatal heart attack, an accident, a murder — or it’s perceived as being outside the normal cycle of life, as in the death of a child. For example, someone who nurses a spouse through a long illness will grieve when the spouse is gone, but the person who witnesses the sudden death of a spouse in a car crash will likely be traumatized as well. A sudden loss can be even more difficult to deal with if you don’t have a socially recognized outlet for mourning, as may be the case with a miscarriage or stillbirth.
 
While trauma always incorporates grief, the two states are very different in how you experience them and what effect they can have on you. Grief is a normal reaction to loss, with its symptoms diminishing over time. On the other hand, trauma is a disabling reaction that can block the grieving process, disrupt your life, and leave you psychologically vulnerable. If you are coping with a traumatic loss, you may want to think about turning to a counselor or other professional for help.
 

Grief vs. Trauma
The Effects of Grief	The Effects of Trauma
Sadness is the dominant emotion.	Terror is the dominant emotion.
Grief feels real.	Trauma feels unreal.
Talking about grief can help.	Talking about trauma is difficult or impossible.
Pain is related to the loss.	Pain involves not just loss, but terror, helplessness, and fear of danger.
Anger is nonviolent.	Anger often involves violence towards yourself or others.
Guilt involves unfinished emotional business with the deceased.	Guilt includes self-blame for what happened or thoughts that it should have been you who was harmed.
Your self-image and confidence generally remain intact.	Your self-image and confidence are distorted and undermined.
You dream about the person you lost.	You dream about yourself in danger.
Symptoms lessen naturally over time.	Untreated, symptoms may get worse.   We at RMA feel this article is well written and worthy for those who are suffering losses in their lives.  We have included the links to other sites that were included in the article.  We offer their sites as helpful insights and encouragement. May the authors be acknowledged in thier links.found here.

God's Promises are True

 

By:  Walterene Jones

 

Seven months have passed since I lost my husband and best friend.  As I look back, God has been so awesome to me.  I truly am blessed beyond human comprehension. The people that God put in my life, my Pastors, my church family, friends and my neighbors are so amazing.  No one can ever tell me that there are no good people left in the world anymore because of the outpouring of love that has been shown to me.

 

During the past seven months, God has held true to his Word that he would provide and take care of me and supply my needs.  I didn’t think I could make it, but I’ve made it through Birthdays, Anniversary, Father’s Day, Mother’s Day, car trouble, home repairs and a major Hurricane named Ike.  During the storm as I lay in bed trying to sleep but found myself listening to the winds roar outside I prayed “Lord please protect my home and belongings, I just don’t think I could go through another loss right now.”  Then the Lord showed me an enormous Angel with its wings all spread out and laying across the roof of my home.  When I was finally able to go back home to look around, I saw that a piece of siding at the top under the awning had come off leaving the attic open.  Upon walking through my house, I found the wood that covers the portal from the inside of the house into the attic had been sucked out of the hole.  I knew the winds had gotten up in my attic, but not even one shingle was missing.  God had taken care of my home and belongings. 

 

This week I received word that a long time friend passed away.  The last time I saw her was at my husband’s Homegoing Celebration.  She was so frail and weak and you could see that Cancer was taking its toll on her, but she was standing strong and believing God.  The day of her viewing, I mentally tried to prepare myself to go, but as the time grew closer I found myself crumbling.  Once again, my grief overwhelmed me.  I kept telling myself, this wasn’t about me, but it was in memory and honor of my friend Doris, but the hurt was so real.  I found myself mentally reliving losing my husband again.  I was seeing my husband laying in ICU on Life Support and watching him code and the Dr. telling me he was gone.

 

I know that both my husband and my friend suffered with illness in their bodies for so long and now are laughing, singing, shouting and dancing on the streets of gold with no pain, no illness and no more suffering.

 

God I believe you to be true to your Word and you have been, but the hurt is still so real and the emptiness is so great.  This time of the year is especially hard because he loved Fall so much and always got excited when it arrived.  He couldn’t wait until the first real cool snap blew in and was ready to light a fire in the chiminea outside and sit on the swing with a cup of hot cocoa.  He loved to take drives to see leaves changing colors, the few we have here in

Texas

. 

 

I miss him so much and I am waiting Lord for that morning when I will wake up and know first hand that “…Joy cometh in the morning.”

 

 

Anger? Not Me!

By:  Walterene Jones

 

 

It has been almost six months since my husband went to be with the Lord and this week has been a tough one.  First, I stopped at the grocery store to pick up a few items and ran into an old friend that I haven’t seen in many years.  The first thing she said was “How is your family, how is Bro. Steve”?  I held it together and told her that he had passed away.  The look on her face is unforgettable.  She started saying over and over how sorry she was, that she didn’t know, she was so sorry she didn’t even know he was sick.  I continued to check out my groceries and I could hear her in the next check out line still saying, I’m so sorry Walterene, you all were so close, it must be so hard.  I could hardly stand there and rushed out as soon as I paid for my things.  I know this is going to happen, and that people are shocked because so many people loved him, but they don’t understand that a simple, I’m so sorry is sufficient and how going on and on hurts me so much and is so hard to handle. 

 

Over the past few months I have read many times since my husband passed away about the different stages of Grief, and I always saw “Anger” as one listed.  I remembered as a child how I overheard my Aunt saying how angry she was with my Uncle for dying and leaving her with 4 small children to raise alone.  I thought to myself as I read it, I knew how sick Steve was, I lived it day-by-day along with him.  I will not ever go through that that stage, there is no reason for me to.  You guessed it.  A few mornings ago, I was on my way to work and was thinking about all the things I needed to accomplish and all of a sudden like a rush of wind, I started feeling Angry.  I started saying, “You knew there were things wrong with the car and you knew the things that needed to be fixed around the house, how could you leave me holding the bag like this?”  Tears began to pour down my face as overwhelming guilt took over and I found myself apologizing and saying, “I’m so sorry, I know how sick you were, I watched your strength disappear and you waste away loosing over 100 lbs.  I know you couldn’t fix all the things and take care of everything, but why didn’t you tell me how to do it all?”

 

While some things are getting a little easier and I am adjusting, I still miss him so much.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Who Am I

By:  Walterene Jones

 

I don’t remember a time that I have never not known who I was.  Even while Steve was in the hospital and then in ICU for all those weeks before his passing, it seemed like all the nurses and staff knew who I was and would greet me and call me by name as I walked through the door each day.  Recently, I found myself in an awkward situation sitting at my Dr’s Office filling out the new patient forms.  I came to the section where it asks my status and I was to check a box for Married, Separated, Divorced or Single.  I sat there looking at each option and thinking to myself, “I am not Divorced, I am Separated until my time comes to go be with the Lord and Steve, Legally and Biblically I am not married, but I don’t consider myself Single either.  So Who Am I“? 

 

After loosing Steve I found myself struggling with trying to “Find Myself” again as they used to say in the 1960’s.  I am a widow, but in my mind and heart I am not single but still Mrs. Stephen Jones.  It took me a few months after his passing that I finally did remove my wedding ring, but after being Mrs. Stephen Jones over 30 years my hand still feels naked and bare and vulnerable. 

 

My search through the past few months has taken me down many roads, some familiar, but most are new and uncharted roads that I don’t know what lies ahead.  Will the road  be smooth traveling or a bumpy ride?  God has directed my uncertain paths over and over and been Faithful to me.  I have learned that there is no road map for widowhood except God’s Word, his Grace, his Mercy and his Love. 

 

Helen Steiner Rice a famous poet wrote the Poem That Souls May Grow and it says, “May you find comfort in the thought that sorrow, grief and woe are sent into our lives sometimes to help our souls to grow…   For through the depths of sorrow comes understanding love, And peace and truth and comfort sent from God above.”

 

The Lord provided me with the perfect CD of praise music at the time in my life that I felt so empty and useless and not knowing who I was and not knowing what to do with myself.  I put the CD in the player and played it for the first time in my car, the first song started to play and I almost had to pull over on the side of the road because it touched me and spoke directly to me and to my heart.  It was confirmation from God himself giving me answers because it was if the writer of the song was singing about me and my life.  Since then, I have adopted the song as My Theme Song and Testimony and I play it over and over to help me keep my focus.  I’d like to share the words with you and I hope it blesses you too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Have a Hope

By:  Tommy Walker

 

I have a hope, I have a future

I have a destiny that is yet awaiting me

My life’s not over, a new beginning’s just begun

I have a hope, I have this hope.

 

God has a plan, it’s not to harm me

But it’s to prosper me and to hear me when I call.

He intercedes for me, working all things for my good

Though trials may come I have this hope.

 

Chorus

I will yet praise Him, my great Redeemer

I will yet stand up and give Him glory with my life

He takes my darkness and He turns it into light

I will yet praise Him, my Lord my God.

 

My God is for me, He’s not against me

So tell me whom then, tell me whom then shall I fear

He has prepared for me

Great works He’ll help me to complete

I have a hope, I have this hope.

 

Goodness and mercy, they’re gonna follow me

And I’ll forever dwell in the house of my great King

No eye has ever seen all He’s preparing there for me

Though trials may come, I have this hope

 

Bridge

 

There’s still hope for me today

Cause the God in heaven love me.

 

Who Am I

By:  Walterene Jones

 

I don’t remember a time that I have never not known who I was.  Even while Steve was in the hospital and then in ICU for all those weeks before his passing, it seemed like all the nurses and staff knew who I was and would greet me and call me by name as I walked through the door each day.  Recently, I found myself in an awkward situation sitting at my Dr’s Office filling out the new patient forms.  I came to the section where it asks my status and I was to check a box for Married, Separated, Divorced or Single.  I sat there looking at each option and thinking to myself, “I am not Divorced, I am Separated until my time comes to go be with the Lord and Steve, Legally and Biblically I am not married, but I don’t consider myself Single either.  So Who Am I“? 

 

After loosing Steve I found myself struggling with trying to “Find Myself” again as they used to say in the 1960’s.  I am a widow, but in my mind and heart I am not single but still Mrs. Stephen Jones.  It took me a few months after his passing that I finally did remove my wedding ring, but after being Mrs. Stephen Jones over 30 years my hand still feels naked and bare and vulnerable. 

 

My search through the past few months has taken me down many roads, some familiar, but most are new and uncharted roads that I don’t know what lies ahead.  Will the road  be smooth traveling or a bumpy ride?  God has directed my uncertain paths over and over and been Faithful to me.  I have learned that there is no road map for widowhood except God’s Word, his Grace, his Mercy and his Love. 

 

Helen Steiner Rice a famous poet wrote the Poem That Souls May Grow and it says, “May you find comfort in the thought that sorrow, grief and woe are sent into our lives sometimes to help our souls to grow…   For through the depths of sorrow comes understanding love, And peace and truth and comfort sent from God above.”

 

The Lord provided me with the perfect CD of praise music at the time in my life that I felt so empty and useless and not knowing who I was and not knowing what to do with myself.  I put the CD in the player and played it for the first time in my car, the first song started to play and I almost had to pull over on the side of the road because it touched me and spoke directly to me and to my heart.  It was confirmation from God himself giving me answers because it was if the writer of the song was singing about me and my life.  Since then, I have adopted the song as My Theme Song and Testimony and I play it over and over to help me keep my focus.  I’d like to share the words with you and I hope it blesses you too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Have a Hope

By:  Tommy Walker

 

I have a hope, I have a future

I have a destiny that is yet awaiting me

My life’s not over, a new beginning’s just begun

I have a hope, I have this hope.

 

God has a plan, it’s not to harm me

But it’s to prosper me and to hear me when I call.

He intercedes for me, working all things for my good

Though trials may come I have this hope.

 

Chorus

I will yet praise Him, my great Redeemer

I will yet stand up and give Him glory with my life

He takes my darkness and He turns it into light

I will yet praise Him, my Lord my God.

 

My God is for me, He’s not against me

So tell me whom then, tell me whom then shall I fear

He has prepared for me

Great works He’ll help me to complete

I have a hope, I have this hope.

 

Goodness and mercy, they’re gonna follow me

And I’ll forever dwell in the house of my great King

No eye has ever seen all He’s preparing there for me

Though trials may come, I have this hope

 

Bridge

 

There’s still hope for me today

Cause the God in heaven love me.

 

Time Heals All Wounds

By:  Walterene Jones

 

 

Many have spoken the quote over and over to me “Time Heals All Wounds” in the past 5-1/2 months since my husband passed away.  While the emotional meltdowns are fewer in number, still the empty hole in my heart remains.  The feelings of loneliness and missing him so much I don’t know what to do with myself at times is still very real.  The pain rears it ugly head each time I come across our Wedding picture or something that brings back one of the wonderful memories of our lives together and I know it will never happen again because he has gone to be with the Lord.  The tears still flow but I realize now that I’m not crying for him, he is whole, healthy, happy and dancing around heaven, but they are tears for myself.  The tears I shed are because I miss him, I miss the times we spent together, I miss having him to share my heart with, to give me answers to life when I don’t know what to do, someone just to sit next to and hold my hand and tell me everything is going to be ok.  

 

I find myself shedding less tears, but having to fix my gaze more on Jesus and fill my world with His Word and Music of Praise.  With each new day, I’ve also finally realized in my mind and heart is a new day God has given me to grow, learn and personally experience my Abba Father.  So just as a baby learning to walk, I must learn to take one step at a time.  To try to step out of my routine box and experience God’s greatness to the fullest.  Each day is my very own New Dawn of Opportunity God is giving to me to embrace and experience. 

 

God has shown himself Faithful over and over day by day to me, just like he promised.  He has provided in every way for me and surrounded me with a Godly network of Church Family that is there to go each step of the way with me.  I don’t understand why God chose to take my husband home at this time in my life, but I’m learning that my life is not over, a new one is just beginning and that he has a perfect plan for my life already prepared for me.  I do have a hope, and that hope is in Jesus Christ.

Words of Wisdom to Ponder Today

Having experienced this loss, and the waves of grief that attack the soul relentlessly - what can you say you have learned in wisdom.  Someone once said this statement that I leave with you today........

We don't receive wisdom; we must discover it for ourselves after a journey that no one can take for us or spare us.

Marcel Proust

Have you taken time today to be still and allow Father God to hold you closely and deeply in His Arms. His wisdom is abundant and His Comfort complete in your sorrow.

He said...

Come to Me all ye who labor and are heavy laden .... and I will give you rest.

Overcoming Grief and Loneliness

by Joyce Meyer

I'm told that the number one problem facing people today is grief and loneliness. People encounter major losses in their lives, and sadly, many never get over them. When tragedy occurs and the hurt seems unbearable, Satan sees an opportunity to try to bring a family or an individual into permanent bondage. The death of a loved one, divorce or the severing of a close relationship can cause grief, and most people go through a grieving process. The key to victory is understanding the difference between a normal, balanced grieving process and a spirit of grief that will try to attach itself to the hurting person. One helps the grieving person get better with the passing of time; the other causes him to get worse and sink deeper and deeper into the pit of despair.

           

            I believe that one of the reasons why people, especially Christians, get into bondage during these trying times is a lack of understanding about the grieving process. This process is a succession of events that may occur in a person's life when something or someone that means a lot to them is suddenly no longer there. Obviously everyone doesn't experience the same thing to the same degree, but we do have emotions that can be wounded and bruised and must be healed. Healing is a process that God walks His children through step-by-step, unless He performs a miracle.

           

            Shock and denial are two of the first things a person may encounter when tragedy occurs. Actually, God uses them to protect us from devastation. To illustrate, consider an automobile's shock absorbers. They're designed to cushion the vehicle from unexpected bumps in the road. Without them, the car would fall apart from the violent blows encountered during its travels. People are often the same way.

We're traveling on the road of life, and most of the time we're not expecting bumps or potholes. So when they suddenly show up, we're not ready for them. The Holy Spirit-our God-given "shock absorber"-cushions the blow until we can readjust and adapt our thinking to accommodate the sudden change in the ride. Shock and denial are normal if they're temporary; however, they become a major problem if people permanently refuse to face reality and learn how to deal with them.

           

            The next thing people often feel is anger-at themselves.

They begin to think of things they wish they would or would not have done that might have made the situation better or even prevented it altogether. Satan wants us to live with regret. There is no one alive who wouldn't say, "I wish I hadn't done that!" or "I wish I had done this." Satan seeks to place blame, intending to throw us into a lifetime of guilt, condemnation and self-hatred.

           

            The apostle Paul stated in Philippians 3:13, ...one thing I do [it is my one aspiration]: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead. The word "straining" in the Amplified translation tells us that whenever we have to "press on" there will be opposition from the enemy.

           

            Endings always bring new beginnings. Satan strives to keep us out of the new place that God has prepared. He wants to trap us in the past and cause us to live in permanent misery, which is what self-anger and self-blame will do.

           

            People may also experience anger at the person who left them-even if they died. My aunt told me that after my uncle died, she'd beat his pillow at night and yell, "Why did you leave me?" Obviously, her intellect knew he didn't purposely leave her, but her emotions were speaking. Emotions have a voice; when they're wounded, they may react like a wounded animal. Wounded animals can be quite dangerous, and so can wounded emotions if they're followed.

           

            Grieving people need to know about the grieving process and some of the things they may experience such as not to be led by painful feelings. When a major loss occurs, this isn't the time for a person to make serious decisions or deal with other issues that may produce anxiety or be emotionally upsetting.

           

            Being angry with God is quite common. People frequently ask, "If God is good, all-powerful, and full of love for us, why didn't He stop the thing that caused the pain?" This is where Satan seeks to build a wall between God and the hurting person. He seizes the opportunity to say, "God isn't good, and He can't be trusted." However, we know according to the Word of God, the truth is not in Satan-he is a liar and the father of lies.

           

            James 1:12,13 says, Blessed (happy, to be envied) is the man who is patient under trial and stands up under temptation, for when he has stood the test and been approved, he will receive [the victor's] crown of life which God has promised to those who love Him. Let no one say when he is tempted, I am tempted from God; for God is incapable of being tempted by [what is] evil and He Himself tempts no one. Verse 17 goes on to say, Every good gift and every perfect (free, large, full) gift is from above; it comes down from the Father of all [that gives] light, in [the shining of] Whom there can be no variation [rising or setting] or shadow cast by His turning [as in an eclipse].

           

            In other words, God is good, and He cannot be anything else. Furthermore, He isn't one way one time and another way another time. He doesn't change. He is good, and that's the way He is. But what about the original question? Since God is good and all-powerful, why didn't He stop this thing before it brought all the hurt and pain? To be very honest, these are questions we don't have completely sufficient answers for. First Corinthians 13:12 says, ...Now I know in part (imperfectly).... Trust will always require us to accept unanswered questions! We want answers to everything, but we must come to the place where we're satisfied to know the One who knows and place our trust in Him. Being mad at God is foolish because He's the only One who can bring the needed help and comfort to the grieving or bereaved person.

           

            People also get angry with the devil. This is normal and even good if the anger is properly expressed. The only way to repay the devil for hurt and devastation in our personal lives is to aggressively and vehemently do the works of Jesus. Romans 12:21 says, ...overcome

(master) evil with good.

           

            People experiencing tragedy often go through stages of emotional expressions of sobbing and hysteria. These may come and go when least expected. Even people who are normally quite unemotional may experience a great deal of emotion during times of loss. In general, people are afraid of emotions, and an uncontrolled display of these emotions is even more fearful. I encourage you to fear not because it will pass. Good understanding and a lot of help from the Holy Spirit will bring you victory through this kind of situation.

           

            Confusion, disorientation and fear are also common.

Depression and waves of overwhelming feelings are experienced by many, as well as physical symptoms caused by the emotional stress. I believe the key word in these situations is balance.

           

            The Bible talks of how King David was feeling depressed, but he resisted it. He didn't sink into it or get into the pit of despair. He described how he felt, but he made a decision not to live by his feelings (see Psalm 42:5-11 and Psalm 143). People have often confided in me how discouraging it is when others make them feel like their faith isn't good enough during these times. I believe it takes more faith to go through something victoriously than to be delivered from it. There are some who experience complete deliverance from grief after a huge loss, but that doesn't happen to everybody. There are others, and I might even say most of us, who go through very emotionally difficult times when tragic loss occurs. Those who are walking in faith come out of it, and they come out of it better than when they went in.

           

            In closing, let me say, "Do not lose your hope!" If you are hurting right now due to a loss in your life, I want to tell you that a new beginning is in front of you. You may go through some things that you'll never understand, but trust God to work them out for your good. What Satan intends for your harm, God can turn around for your good!

The Guide for the Newly Widowed

On Being Alone:

Losing a loved one - whether through unexpected or anticipated circumstances - is always traumatic. This is especially true with the death of a spouse. It is one of life's most profound losses. The transition from wife to widow, husband to widower, is a very real, painful, and personal phenomenon. The trauma of trying to adjust to this new identity while being besieged with a multitude of urgent questions and decisions can be overwhelming.

Here are several things to remember when faced with the death of your spouse. While they may seem simple, they are very important points to remember:

1. Give yourself permission to mourn.
   Men and women both need to give themselves permission to mourn. Postponing a confrontation with your feelings by filling each day with frantic activity will only delay and compound the grief reaction. Denying your grief can be helpful in separating yourself from the pain. But, the agony is still there and it will stay there until you acknowledge it.
2. Be aware that you may experience a range of emotions.
   Your reactions to death may cover a wide and confusing range of emotions (such as shock, numbness, anger, pain, and yearning). It may help to think of grief as clusters of reactions or fluid phases that overlap one another. Grief does not proceed in an orderly fashion any more than life itself does.
3. With effort, you can and you must overcome your grief.
   One of the myths about mourning is that it has an ending point, that if you just wait long enough, it suddenly stops hurting. It doesn't. It requires work. More than time, bereavement takes effort to heal. Mourning is a natural and personal process that only you can pace. It cannot be rushed and it cannot happen without your participation.
4. When needed, find the strength to take action.
   As a newly widowed person, there may be urgent financial and legal decisions you must make following the death of your spouse. You have just suffered an emotionally devastating event and the last thing you want to deal with is money matters. But money does matter, now and for your future, so try to do the best you can. Postpone, however, any decisions that can be put off until you feel better emotionally.
5. Work to tame your fears.
   When the first impact of death wears off, you may feel you are losing control. This is a normal part of the grieving process. Unlike mental illness, the strong feelings suffered during grief gradually and permanently disappear. Because you may experience a feeling of temporary instability, it's important to remember that you have the ability to cope. This is a time when much of your adjustment to widowhood takes place.
6. In your own time, in your own way, you can say goodbye.
   The present, with all its pain and sorrow, is the only reality you have. Memories are very important, but they cannot be used as a shield against the present. At some point in your grieving, you will be ready to try to say goodbye.
7. Stress can wreak havoc on your health.
   The effect of grief on our health is just beginning to be measured. While guarding your health can be among the least of your concerns during the throes of grief, you must work toward maintaining your health as soon as you feel able. This means beginning some form of regular exercise, getting proper nutrition, and reporting physical complaints to your doctor.
8. If interested, consider employment, continuing education or volunteer opportunities that match your needs and interests.
   Entering the job market after a long absence, or for the first time, can be one of the most challenging tasks that widowed persons encounter. If interested, look for ways to enhance, capitalize and build on the skills you've developed over the years. Don't be afraid to ask about employment opportunities whenever and wherever you can. Prepare well for your job search. If you do not need to return to work immediately, you may decide to go back to school or to contact Elderhostel, which offers educational opportunities in the U.S. and abroad. There are also volunteer opportunities that are meaningful and personally fulfilling in your community, which you may want to consider.