Role Models of America

Does divorce cause lasting damage?

Wednesday, June 24, 1998 Published at 12:58 GMT 13:58 UK This article was released by the BBC  New Online in 1998, and it is STILL worth reading and learning from.  Children suffer the most effects from divorce.  Remember they don't have the issues that mom or dad does with their mate.  They simply love their parents.  So divorce rips their lives literally apart. In this day and age when life supports are so fragile for a child anyway, a woman should deeply consider marriage counseling BEFORE she consults a lawyer.  Considering the needs of her child before her own, must to be done.  Read this....... "Divorce absolutely causes trauma. For the younger the child is the easier they will ultimately be able to endure it. If a child sees their parents divorce when the child is very young, they aren't harmed as much as say, if the children are in their teenage years. During the pivotal teenage years, the time when a youth solidifies their beliefs about the roles of parents, marriage, relationships, etc.. in their more adult manner, the confidence in the institution of Marriage, parenting, etc can be seriously harmed by a divorce occuring at this time. Negative side of parents getting divorced when a child is young, is that the child most likely will not see the full richness of a "complete" family life as they would have if they grew up in a two parent household. Visitation rights simply isn't a adequate substitute in comparison to a "complete" family unit. Greatest damage is in the belief and effort related to the concept of marriage itself. People who had grown up in fractured families, seem to grow up with a greater likelihood of getting a divorce themselves. Or perhaps not commit to marriage in the first place. If a child grew up in a broken home, how would they know later on when they themselves may get married or be married, know the difference between a "decent" and "good" yet occasionally troubled relationship or marriage versus one which is beyond saving? How would, for example, a daughter who later in adult life, know how her husband and father of her kids, "should" behave as a good father and husband, versus a man who is a bad father and bad husband when she didn't have a father figure in her youth in the first place? Or vice versa in the case of the male child being aware of how he should be as a father or husband when he grows up if he didn't have one in his youth? For those who grow up in healthy family units, they have a unparalleled advantages in regards to their future lives as spouses and parents themselves compared to those who grew up in fractured families. Some families or marriages can't be saved, and subsequently divorce is a good thing for those. But for many, it seems that the qustion of "priority" is confused in relationships. People obsessed with their work or themselves, rather than paying due attention and effort to creating a good family environment and a healthy marriage life, tend to be those who create succeeding generations of those facing the very same problems of priority and concern. People are too fast to divorce in this generation, and too fast to get married as well. Greater concern and attention is needed to avoid divorce and avoid the creation of broken families. There are no winners in divorce and no winners in the unhealthy family environment which spawned the divorce. Only are varying degrees of damage, loss and grief". Steve Kenney,  USA

Angry Children

 

 

Written By: Deborah R.

 

After the divorce was over, I was trying hard to make life normal for me and  my children.  I was trying to get a grip on my own emotions when I began to see a real problem with both of my children ages 10 and 6.  Both, in their own ways, began acting out the confusion and inexpressible feelings they felt.  Still being confused by living with mom and then having to go and visit dad and his new friend threw a whole new dimension to our house.  Bursts of anger, problems at school were just a few things I was having to work through with both of them.  One being very physical with other kids and the other being very stern in their ways caused more confusion and it grieved my heart as I knew it was caused from the divorce.  How do you correct a problem that you feel you’ve caused?  How do you make the pain in your children go away that you feel responsible for?  I had to learn when to correct with punishment and when to correct with love.  We all had hurts we were trying to deal with.  We all are outspoken and very vocal.  Even so, there has to be a line drawn that everyone knows they can speak what they are feeling without tearing into or tearing down someone else. 

 

Attitudes….

 

Boy, we have had and have our share of attitudes.  The worst times always seem to be when they come back from being with their dad for the weekend.  One, if not both, always seemed to have a bad attitude when coming home.  I got to the point when I would have to remind them that they are not at their dad’s and that they needed to go to their rooms until they lost the attitude and then they were welcome to come out and be with the rest of us.  It seemed to work for us.  Refocusing their mind from one household to another seemed to work.  With different households, there are different rules, morals and virtues.

 

Divorce affects everyone and I think it hits children in ways that are yet to be seen.  Children are made with love and love both mom and dad equally.  Too many times they are put in the middle and made to choose sides.  These little beings are not capable of doing such.  Their mental and emotional capabilities are not made to nor are they equipped to.  One of the major results of having to make this decision and being forced to grow up before they are suppose to is anger.  They become confused in feeling they are betraying one parent.  How does that anger go away?  Sometimes it never does.  Sometimes it’s turned into something else that becomes a driving force in their lives.  I believe that it takes a whole village to raise a child.  Having children in an environment where they are accountable to others who love them as much as you do is vital.  It may not be your family…it may be your church family and friends; people who are able to talk to them on a different level than you, those who you trust to address problematic issues right away with assertiveness and love and then inform you later.  Anger can only be dissolved by love. 

 

Defusing anger is a very interesting concept all by itself.  No matter what is happening somehow we are to calm children down, denying our own personal feelings and guide them by what is right not by feelings.  Colossians 3:21 says, “Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.  There were times when my son would come home so upset that he would rant and rave about his dad saying over and over, “I hate him!  I hate him!”  Although everything within me was agreeing with him and wanted to add to the conversation too, what he was saying simply wasn’t true.  I would give him a hug and say, “You don’t hate your dad.  You may not like what he is doing right now or may not agree with him but you don’t hate him.  He is your dad and you love him.  It just hurts you right now.”  I can’t tell you how many times this scene was played out over and over.  Defusing the anger and hate with a proper perspective is very important for them so they will grow up with healthy minds and the ability to reason.

 

With younger children, sometimes it’s not so evident.  In our case, my child was acting out physically with other children at school.  Fights, shoving and pushing, scratching, choking and name calling were definite signs of unresolved anger.  Younger children may not have the words to express themselves or may not even know why they are doing these things.  Constantly reassurance and nurturing touches helps to calm their little spirits.  Also, making big deals out of small accomplishments raises their self-esteem and when they don’t succeed at something commend them for trying and putting their best foot forward.  Helping them understand that in life; they may not always succeed and things may not always go the way they want.  Even so, they have to try and be satisfied that they did their best.

 

Proverbs 22:6, “Train up a child in the he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.”  It is our job as parents to help our children adapt and learn from life and the endless lessons they will face. 

 

Isaiah 54:13, “All your sons will be taught by the Lord, and great will be your children’s peace.”  This peace can only come from them knowing who they are and whose they are.

Father's Love Letter

My Child ~

• You may not know me, but I know everything about you ~ Psalm 139:1

• I know when you sit down and when you rise up ~ Psalm 139:2

• I am familiar with all your ways ~ Psalm 139:3

• Even the very hairs on your head are numbered ~ Matthew 10:29-31

• For you were made in my image ~ Genesis 1:27

• In me you live and move and have your being ~ Acts 17:28

• For you are my offspring ~ Acts 17:28

• I knew you even before you were conceived ~ Jeremiah 1:4-5

• I chose you when I planned creation ~ Ephesians 1:11-12

• You were not a mistake, for all your days are written in my book ~ Psalm 139:15-16

• I determined the exact time of your birth and where you would live ~ Acts 17:26

• You are fearfully and wonderfully made ~ Psalm 139:14

• I knit you together in your mother's womb ~ Psalm 139:13

• And brought you forth on the day you were born ~ Psalm 71:6

• I have been misrepresented by those who don't know me ~ John 8:41-44

• I am not distant and angry, but am the complete expression of love ~ 1 John 4:16

• And it is my desire to lavish my love on you ~ 1 John 3:1

• Simply because you are my child and I am your father ~ 1 John 3:1

• I offer you more than your earthly father ever could ~ Matthew 7:11

• For I am the perfect father ~ Matthew 5:48

• Every good gift that you receive comes from my hand ~ James 1:17

• For I am your provider and I meet all your needs ~ Matthew 6:31-33

• My plan for your future has always been filled with hope ~ Jeremiah 29:11

• Because I love you with an everlasting love ~ Jeremiah 31:3

• My thoughts toward you are countless as the sand on the seashore ~ Psalm 139:17-18

• And I rejoice over you with singing ~ Zephaniah 3:17

• I will never stop doing good to you ~ Jeremiah 32:40

• For you are my treasured possession ~ Exodus 19:5

• I desire to establish you with all my heart and all my soul ~ Jeremiah 32:41

• And I want to show you great and marvelous things ~ Jeremiah 33:3

• If you seek me with all your heart, you will find me ~ Deuteronomy 4:29

• Delight in me and I will give you the desires of your heart ~ Psalm 37:4

• For it is I who gave you those desires ~ Philippians 2:13

• I am able to do more for you than you could possibly imagine ~ Ephesians 3:20

• For I am your greatest encourager ~ 2 Thessalonians 2:16-17

• I am also the Father who comforts you in all your troubles ~ 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

• When you are brokenhearted, I am close to you ~ Psalm 34:18

• As a shepherd carries a lamb, I have carried you close to my heart ~ Isaiah 40:11

• One day I will wipe away every tear from your eyes ~ Revelation 21:3-4

• And I'll take away all the pain you have suffered on this earth ~ Revelation 21:3-4

• I am your Father, and I love you even as I love my son, Jesus ~ John 17:23

• For in Jesus, my love for you is revealed ~ John 17:26

• He is the exact representation of my being ~ Hebrews 1:3

• He came to demonstrate that I am for you, not against you ~ Romans 8:31

• And to tell you that I am not counting your sins ~ 2 Corinthians 5:18-19

• Jesus died so that you and I could be reconciled ~ 2 Corinthians 5:18-19

• His death was the ultimate expression of my love for you ~ 1 John 4:10

• I gave up everything I loved that I might gain your love ~ Romans 8:31-32

• If you receive the gift of my son Jesus, you receive me ~ 1 John 2:23

• And nothing will ever separate you from my love again ~ Romans 8:38-39

• Come home and I'll throw the biggest party heaven has ever seen ~ Luke 15:7

• I have always been Father, and will always be Father ~ Ephesians 3:14-15

• My question is ~ Will you be my child? ~ John 1:12-13

• I am waiting for you ~ Luke 15:11-32

Love, Your Dad, Almighty God

A Father's Love Letter is owned and copyrighted by Barry Adams. 

Celebrate What?

Written By: Deborah R.

In helping refocus my most vulnerable times, my pastor and I decided that I would start going to a class that she taught on Tuesday nights.  This is a class that helps people get over their hurts, habits and hang-ups of life.  Man-O-Man, I was hung-up!  I struggled with my pride in going to class because no matter what happened in life, I managed to get through it.  But somehow, this class was different.  Some of the things I heard made so much sense.  You know…common sense.  It wasn’t a class where someone stood up and said there name and begin to confess what a scoundrel they were.  We would listen for and hour to instructions and then try to live out what was being taught.  Many nights I didn’t want to go to class because it would hurt too much.  But I knew if I didn’t, I would get a phone call asking me where I was and I dreaded that call more than the pain!

My feet were being held to the fire.  Little did I know that ‘this fire’ would purify my mind and set in motion a ministry that God had waiting all along.  Even through the pain?  1 Peter 1:6-7, Wherein ye greatly rejoice, though now for a season, if need be, ye are in heaviness through manifold temptations: That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise an honor and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ.  The class is Celebrate Recovery.  It’s not just for alcohol or drugs addictions…it is for the hurting, the heartbroken, and the abandoned, the one down trodden by life…it was for me! 

I was learning and gaining ground however slow it was it was small progress forward.  I began to struggle with loneliness.  I can’t explain to you how many times I felt lonely.  In the midst of the most awesome church services, the loneliness would creep in.  I still spent untold days and hours seeing the ‘togetherness’ of other couples and it would send me in and out of an emotional dark place time and time again.  I longed for what I was missing.  I didn’t necessarily miss my ex-husband but I missed the relationship.  I missed the touch of someone, a simple kiss that said I love you without saying a word.  I missed being held.  I missed the intimacy of a marriage, I missed holding hands.  At times, my longing would feel like a blade going right through my being.  I would go places and all I could see were couples.  The way they looked at each other.  I would see them talking to each other, holding hands.  I would see the simple glances from one to another from across the room and know what they were thinking.  Not one of them knew what I was thinking.  It didn’t matter if it was family, friends, at church or just at the grocery store.  All I could see was that they had someone and I didn’t.  Even being with friends, I felt as though I was on the outside…the one who was alone. 

During this time, I was asked to team teach this Celebrate Recovery class.  My first thought was, I’m not worthy enough.  I’ve been through some ugly things and I don’t feel qualified to teach this…I’m still living it.  Duh!!!  Who is suppose teach a class on hurts, habits and hang-ups?  The person who has had the perfect life with no struggles?  I don’t think so.  Have I conquered all of my shortcomings?  No, but I now understanding that me and the Lord will be working on me until the day He returns or the day I go to him.

Jeremiah 29:9 says, “For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to bring you to an expected end.”  Romans 8:28 – “And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose.”  These two scriptures are very powerful in setting your mind straight about all the junk we go through in life.  The Lord knows what he is thinking about me, where he wants me to be and how he wants to get me there.  Most of the time, it’s not the easiest route.  Don’t forget the last part of that scripture…”to bring you to an expected end!”  Whew…thank goodness.  He says there is an end but I can’t see it right now.  I believe the Word of God is true so there must be an end in sight.  But my vision is clouded by the circumstances of life….”All things work together for good of them that love God.”  It all has worked into His plan.  I started attending that class more than eight years ago and now; I’ve been teaching the class for eight years.  Do I feel qualified to teach this class now?  No.  There is nothing good in me.  Everything that is good in my life is because of who Jesus Christ is and what He has done in my life.  Am I qualified…I’m still living it; however, I can now proclaim that God will bring you through what ever situation you’re in.  No matter what you’re feeling right now.  It IS going to work for your good down the road. 

Take heart my friends and celebrate the victories, celebrate the defeats, celebrate life and Celebrate the Recovery of you life!  This end is only the beginning of a new road that the Lord is leading you down.  Let go of the reigns and hold to His hand and He will lead you on.  Let go and Let God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A New Start!?

A NEW START!?

Written By: Deborah R.

With my stomach still tied in knots and burning, I nervously had to get something to eat.  My mind had to shift to the final details of closing on our new house.  We had set the closing for the very next day at 10:00am.  One problem, I needed a signed, recorded divorce at the time of signing.  How can I get this when it was just documented that day?  Early in the morning of January 12, 2001, I went back down to the same courthouse, same courtroom and talked to that lady about getting a certified copy of the decree.  She snobbishly told me that I would have to wait until they ‘got’ to me and then she would see if she could find it and that I would have to pay $1 per sheet.  I told her thank you and sat down.  I began to pray again, “Lord, I believe in you and I believe you still do miracles today.  Father, I need your help.”  After the docket was called, I went and quietly spoke to another lady with a much different disposition and asked her how long it would be and that my closing was set for 10:00 am.  She was very nice and said, “Oh you’re the one who needs the copy of the decree.  Wait just a minute.”  She went to the back and wasn’t gone but a minute.  She came out with a packet of papers in her hand.  Stamped them and handed them to me and smiled…”Here you go.”  I was shocked!  Are these the papers I need to close on my house with?  Yes they are.  How much do I need to pay?  Don’t worry about it just be blessed!  I looked at her and knew in my Spirit the Lord had put one on his angels in that courtroom for me on this day!  Thank you…and thank you Lord.

I left the courthouse, had time to get something to eat, I hadn’t eaten since the day before, and headed to the title company with time to spare.  Everything went as planned and in a matter of moments, I was a new homeowner!  Now I can rest and get on with my new life.  Right!!!

After the rush of finalizing the divorce and the signing of the new house wore off, I began to feel myself sinking!  Help!  Help me!…if I only could’ve said that out loud.  It was as though someone or something had died.  And…I guess it did.  I didn’t think I was suppose to be feeling the way I did.  After all, I was a strong, independent person who had everything going in the right direction, very involved at church, the community with my children but my heart felt like it was left on the highway being run over time and time again as everyone passed by.  You know,...that little thump you feel on the highway and never even look in the rearview mirror to see what it was.  Well, that thump was my heart.  I was consumed with pain and it took everything I had to let people know that I was okay.  Life is grand.  A job where I stayed home and worked, a new house, a good vehicle…oh!  I bought myself a motorcycle for my ex-husband’s birthday!  That kind of made up for the shotgun he ‘bought’ me one Christmas and the candle he gave me for our tenth wedding anniversary.  Life was glorious!

What a fake!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The pain kept growing bigger and deeper.  I found myself looking for anything to stop the pain…anything.  I began to take ‘medication’ to lesson the pain.  I would drive way out my way, in another city, to go to the corner ‘drug store’ to pick my prescription.  Typically, it came in a bottle and I had to mix with some sort of cola.  Not too proud of that time in my life as I was drinking myself to sleep and never remember getting in bed only to be awakened by the alarm to get the kids off to school.  I would get up, put on the happy face and face the world.  I would go to church, sing in the choir and raise my hands so no one would notice that something was wrong.  Hmmm…, let’s think about this.  Along with the pain of the divorce, grief and loneliness, I seemed to be adding guilt, shame and condemnation.  Boy, I sure was smart. 

One night, I had gone to the cabinet to take my medication after the kids went to bed of course.  There was nothing there!  There’s no way that whole thing could be gone…I just bought it!  That’s when I realized I had a problem.  That night I wrote a long email to my pastor explaining the depths of my hurt and what I had been doing.  Not sure as to how it would be taken, I hit the send button.  How would I go to sleep tonight?  There is no sedative and I’ve just exposed myself to my pastors.  I don’t know when I finally went to sleep but I do know that the alarm went off early.  Shortly after taking the kids to school, my phone rang…it was my pastor.  I could have gotten sick at that moment.  I knew I had to answer the phone.  “I think we need to talk,” she said.  The only response I could muster was…okay. 

Okay!

We spent most of the morning together and I realized I was going to be okay.  We found that my most vulnerable times were at night when the house was quiet.  We discussed different ways I could spend that time and be productive at the same time.  Boy, I painted and refurbished a lot of furniture during that time! 

With a past history of being sexually abuse by my step-dad and my husband leaving, I began to see that I could trust someone; reveal myself to them and that they would still love me and even help me.  Through the midst of my deepest hurts, God’s hand of compassion was there.  Psalm 103:17 says, “But the mercy of the Lord is from everlasting to everlasting upon them that fear him, and his righteousness unto the children’s children.”  Hosea 2:23 says, “…and I will have mercy upon her that had not obtained mercy; and I will say to them which were not my people, Thou art my people; and they shall say, Thou art my God.”  Lord, I need your mercy even though I have not obtained it.  Help me Lord.  Only you know the depths of my pain.  Thank you for your merciful kindness being shown and lived out before my eyes through those who You have placed in my life.  I feel as though I have no people…but You make me your people!  You are and always will be….MY GOD!  You have tangibly befriended me through my friends.  Thank you Lord….Thank You.

Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you.  1 Peter 5:7

Blessed is that man that maketh the Lord his trust…  Psalm 40:4

They that trust in the Lord shall be as

mount

Zion

, which cannot be removed, but abideth for ever.  Psalm 125:1

The Finality of a Marriage

THE FINALITY OF A MARRIAGE!

Written By: Deborah R.

The holiday season was extremely difficult as I struggled with depression and sharing my kids with their father.  We continued to go back and forth with the details of the divorce.  I will not forget on our way to church one Wednesday night, the kids were talking about spending the weekend with their dad.  My daughter, who was 5 at the time, said, “I wonder if Heather is going to be there?”  I heard my son whisper something and I asked who Heather was.  She responded, “That’s Daddy’s friend.”  My heart sunk deep inside my chest and fell to pieces in the now hollow halls of my heart.  It was at that point I realized that he was seeing someone else.  I slunk into church feeling crushed once again.  I don’t know what hurt worse knowing he was seeing someone else, or that we had only been separated less than two months.  I could even imagine seeing someone else and at that point, I couldn’t of cared if I ever met someone because all I could see was my hurt.  To me, it was like pouring alcohol straight on an open gash!  It burned, it stung and the pain just lingered.  I couldn’t blow on it, I couldn’t shake the pain away...after all, we had been together for thirteen years!  How could he even think of seeing someone?  Is that how much I meant to him?  Is that how much you care for someone you’ve been with and is the mother of your children?  I just couldn’t see how he could do that!

It was only at that point, much to my own denial, that I began to realize what others had been asking me all along…”Is there another woman?”  My reply was always no!  He doesn’t have time for another woman.  He’s a good man.  He goes to work faithfully, comes home, he works on his hunting and fishing stuff on the weekends.  He goes fishing with his friends and goes out to his duck lease.  He doesn’t have the time to see someone else.  I was swimming in denial and drowning!  What I didn’t realize was…the times he went fishing and out to the duck lease were perfect opportunities for him.  Then, there was the perfect time of two hours every Wednesday night and four hours on Sunday mornings as we were at church.  I always had the kids with me so that left him free to do as he wished…and he did.

When I found out that the woman he was seeing also worked with him, I became furious.  “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!”  You better back off because I now had someone and something to focus my hurt and anger on.  My anger was set on fire when I found out that my husband (still at the time) had left MY daughter with his “girlfriend” overnight at her house while he and our son went to the duck lease.   #!@#!!@!#$**$**$  That’s the best way to put how I felt.  I decided I was going to talk to this woman face to face and prayed that she would just touch me so I could unleash my wrath upon her.  I knew how and what I was feeling so before I left, I called a friend and told her was I going to do and asked if she would bail me out of jail if I called her.  My friend listened as I told her everything and then assured me she would.  I went to their workplace and asked to see this ‘other woman’.  Her boss came out and said she was busy.  I told her that it was very important that I talked to her.  When Heather came out into the lobby and said, “Can I help you?”  I turned around with my hands in my pockets, got very close to her and leaned toward her and said in a deep, direct tone, “I’m Deborah J…”  I took pleasure in seeing her facial expression change as she said, “Let’s step outside.”  I thought to myself, Great!  Here is my chance.  She’s going to do something that will allow me to follow through on my original plan!  Here we go!!!  To say the least…I spoke my mind, she had a few smart remarks and my hands stayed in the pockets of my coat.  In leaving there that day, I was able to realize that our marriage was over and that the court date of our divorce was quickly approaching.  The time of reckoning was at hand. 

I have been blessed with steadfast, loyal friends.  A friend accompanied me to the courthouse on the morning of January 11, 2001.  My stomach was in knots.  I had planned everything that I was going to do that morning…get up early, pray so that I would have control of my emotions and peace in my spirit.  Well, you guessed it, my alarm didn’t go off!  I got a call around 7:20 am asking me if I was on my way to pick her up.  Oh My Lord I was to get up at 5:00 am!!!  I jumped up, brushed my teeth, threw on my clothes, grabbed the brush and hairspray and flew to pick her up.  As we were flying down the highway, I manage to put on my make-up and fix my hair…and I was the one driving! 

We rushed through the metal detectors and found my attorney and a place to sit in the courtroom.  As we sat there, my attorney told me that neither my husband nor his attorney was there.  Soon after that, his attorney came in, went to the front and spoke to the court and all I heard was that he had to be in court in another court room.  My husband was not there, his attorney was not there and final papers were not signed what’s going to happen?  With my hands bracing myself on the bench in the court, I looked at my friend as if saying help!  She reached down and put her hand gently on top of mine…I knew she was praying for and with me.  I had a huge lump in my throat and found it very difficult to swallow.  Holding back the tears my mind began race through the thirteen years of being together.  Flashes appeared before my eyes and the only things I could say was, “Lord, I believe in you and I believe you still do miracles.”  I said this over and over.  With my husband not present and his attorney in another courtroom, how could this be resolved or…dissolved?  I didn’t want it to linger on and I had to close on my new house the very next day.  It seemed like an eternity before the judge entered the courtroom.  Soon after, the cases were divided and delegated to other officials to speed up the process.  We had to go into another room where there was a small judge’s bench.  My name was called and my attorney and I stood before the judge.  I stood there trying to breathe, trying to swallow, clenching my jaw to hold back the tears and wringing my hands behind my back to distract myself as she read through the decree.  Highlighting certain areas and wanting a response from me.  Most of the time, I just nodded.  When she stated the differences and the reason for the divorce, it felt as though it was not me standing there.  She stared at me  with a dazed gaze.  At this point, I had to say “Yes.”  She signed and declared that the marriage was dissolved in the state of

Texas

.  It was over.  On the other hand, it was just beginning.  As we walked back to the truck, I kept saying what judge would grant a divorce without it being signed by my husband or his attorney and them not even present.  How can that be?  How can it be that with one swoop of a pen, someone has the power to ‘dissolve’ a relationship of thirteen years with one signature.  WHOA!

…Peace, peace to him that is far off, and to him that is near, saith the Lord; and I will heal him.  Isaiah 57:19

Philippians 4:7 – And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Keep me Lord…Keep ME!

The Aftermath and Finality of a Marriage!

Written By: Deborah R.

After being shattered by the echoing words of,”I want a DIVORCE.”  I had to start thinking about the future: immediate and long range.  For me, it was very difficult to function for the first couple of months.  Yes, the first COUPLE of months.  Only those very close to me knew the depth of my pain. 

The very day my husband asked for a divorce was the night he started sleeping on the couch.  Then he moved to sleeping in our son’s room.  I told him that he could not sleep with our son because it was not right and that if he was serious about the divorce then he should go ahead and find a place to stay.  Well, to my disbelief a week later, he began moving into his new apartment right around the corner from the house.  I even packed him some linens, dishes and silverware.  I don’t know why I did but I did.  The closer it got to him moving out the more intensely stressed our relationship became.  We had talked about him taking some of the furniture.  I got to a point where I told him he could take what ever he wanted.  Part of me wanted to tell him go jump in a lake (putting it mildly) and the other part of me wanted to do things right by the Lord.  I knew that if I would do it right and have the right attitude, it would all come back.  When he moved out, he took most of the bedroom furniture, the living room furniture, and the TV.  After he was gone, I stood there as the kids were outside playing and fell apart in my empty house.  I cried asking the Lord why!  Why is this happening?  What did I do?  Why did he take all that he did?  Why would he not leave anything for his kids to sit on?  Why Lord…why me? 

The mixture of anger and pain is a powerful concoction that can fuel your drive.  Right now, I was flying high on it!  Everywhere I looked, everywhere I went in the house, there were reminders.  The most painful for me was my bedroom.  I decided that I had to give it a makeover.  There were too many memories for me to bear.  This was the most intimate room in the house for us.  I decided to get rid of what was left and replace it with whatever I could find at that time.  I found furniture at our thrift store, garage sales and where ever I could get a good (cheap) deal, I was there!  The first thing to go was the big king sized bed!  Out to the street with a “Free” sign on it allowed the passerby’s to grab it quickly.  I found a queen size bed that would work.  I bought a second hand mattress set, repainted an old headboard from the garage and there it was…My New Bed.  The only problem was is that I still didn’t sleep at night.  I would toss and turn.  Lay crossways in the bed, go to the couch…I just couldn’t find rest.  I painted the bedroom, redid my bathroom trying to create a place of rest.  But no matter what I did, I still was miserable.  I struggled to get up in the morning. 

At that time, I had a job that allowed me to work from home.  Looking back, that probably wasn’t good.  I would get up in the morning feed and dress the kids and take them to school.  When I came back home, I would walk straight to the bed and fall in.  I couldn’t sleep.  I would doze off…cry…doze off…cry, get up take a shower and go pick the kids up from school and spend the rest of the evening with them as though nothing was wrong.  This became a routine over time as the pain got worse.

All the divorce proceedings began and that opened a whole new whirlwind of anger and pain.  After much conversation and meetings with attorneys, the verdict was in…we had to move!  I was shocked!  No matter what I offered him, he would not let us keep the house.  If he didn’t give us the house then what would we do?  I couldn’t imagine living anywhere else and I didn’t think he fight about that because it’s the only house the kids have ever lived in.  Then my anger kicked in and I was off!  I’ll show him!  He has no idea of what I can do when I am angry and very focused!

I began looking for a house.  By the grace of God, I was pre-approved for quite a large amount.  More that I could actually pay back.  I found a house that was closer to the kids’ school, larger in size and had a fourth bedroom that would be my office.  One problem…I couldn’t buy the house because we were still married and if I did – HE would have to be on the title of the house.  My friend, who is one of the leaders for RMA, is a realtor.  We prayed and agreed that the owner of this house would do things she would not normally do!  I told my realtor to ask the owner if she would lease the house to me until the divorce was final.  No one thought this lady would accept that including her realtor.  Ultimately, she did!  We signed the lease agreement and we moved into our new house the week of Thanksgiving 2000!  What a week of Thanksgiving!  Thank you Lord!

Next, the signing of the house and THE FINALITY OF A MARRIAGE…

The Hands

Written By: Deborah R.  (2002)

There are hands that hold together,

There are hands that tear apart,

Busy hands rebuild

Idle hands never start.

Hands rejoice and clap,

Bringing full rhythm

With a snap.

Hands shake at the

Point of introduction

Hands wrench…

At an emotional disruption.

Hands are placed with precision

Upon the broken…

A result of some division.

Upon my heart so

Broken and confused,

Were hands that were strong,

Yet subdued.

These hands reached

Across a desert plain

To find me trapped

In the middle of my pain

Alone, with not even a light

Came the hand

That held me tight.

Once afraid and weary of

A touch of a hand,

I now long for the

Touch that helps me stand.

To these hands I stretch forth

To find confidence

And self-worth.

From the east to the west

Is the span of their length.

But their touch could be missed

With one little blink.

Hands that are strong,

Bloody and bruised,

It was these hands that

Were nailed for me and you.

Shattered to Pieces

Written By: Deborah R.

Have you ever thought of yourself as a strong independent person who has the where with all to have a balanced fulfilled life?  Have you once thought that you had life all planned out and you knew what you were doing and where you were going?  Did you ever think you had the perfect life of a relationship with God, a husband, two kids, a dog, house with a fireplace and a boat?  Have you ever experienced something so life shattering that you thought you would not live through it?  Have you ever thought that you were thrown to the sidelines by life and by God?  If your answer was yes, then your life was probably shattered by these words...  ”I want a DIVORCE.”

The moment I heard those words, my entire world began to spin out of control.  Angered and shocked by the initial blow, my emotions and reactions went over the edge.  I couldn’t even think of anything.  My mind reeled in every direction and I wanted to just escape the moment.  What ever it took, I had to relieve the pain for it too unbearable to swallow.  What would my family think?  What would my friends think?  What would my church family do?  What about my kids?  …What did I do?  …What did I do that was so wrong? 

These are the questions that would plague my mind for untold days and hours; a simple sentence that would send me in and out of an emotionally dark place time and time again.  There was no way to prepare for that moment.  There was no way I could have prevented that moment either.  It was only later that I found out that it wasn’t something I did or didn’t do.  It simple was the unfaithfulness of man and the lust of another woman.  I would have never thought that after 13 years together, we would ever be apart. 

That day was not a good day.  If it hadn’t been for the faithfulness of a friend and her direct words, I wouldn’t have had the direction to make it through that day.  Many days have come and gone since then and, “I only know that God takes horror and turns it into unspeakable heaven!” 

You may have experienced or be experiencing the pain of divorce.  I can tell you that there will be days that are tough, days that are good and days that are indifferent.  To be able to live once again, you will have to go through a healing process.  Sure, pain is involved but on the other side pain is joy.  There is a new you waiting to be revealed.  A stronger, more compassionate, more understanding you that will blossom so you will one day turn and help another sister who will be in the same shoes that you once wore but now have outgrown!

People say that divorce is a death of a marriage.  The death of a love that now leaves an empty space in your very being.  I choose to think of divorce not as an empty space void of love but as an opening in which a new beginning can take place.  After all, there was a Death, a Burial and a Resurrection!  So to you who have been through or are going through a divorce….Happy Resurrection!  This is the beginning of the rest of your life!