Role Models of America

Reality Sets In

 From Cinderella’s perspective, she has three problems in life. A stepmother, named Lady Tremaine and two step-sisters, Anastasia and Drizella. Never mind that Cinderella’s biological parents are not on the scene, we assume they died because real parents don’t abandon their children at least that is our concept, only where was the extended family that would have swept in to care for their granddaughter, niece or cousin? Our questions remain unanswered. The only thing we know for sure is that somehow the universe has been very cruel to Cinderella.

 

That is probably the only truth for which we can be sure of. 

Cinderella has been given a raw deal. For whatever reason her mom was gone first. If you haven’t been a product of a divorced family then your perspective is limited but you can be sure that losing a mother or father in death or divorce is traumatic for a child. Compound that with a remarriage and the child gets the idea that people can be replaced. That isn’t such an easy concept to swallow when you’re a child because while the adults are thinking in terms of adults and romantic love, of failure and loss, a child is thinking that they themselves can be replaced, that maybe love isn’t forever, foundations are not really set and maybe down the road they will be put away for another.

 

You see, as adults we have a bit more understanding about love but children are limited in their understanding. All they know is they have a mom and dad and they don’t want or need another.  Only they’re children and they don’t get a choice. The choice is made for them and they are told they have to like it and get along. Well, let’s be real, that’s not so easy.

 

So the kids come with baggage of resentment and loss, of misunderstandings and misgivings and it’s all perfectly normal, only it certainly puts a wedge in adult plans doesn’t it? Walls quickly go up, feelings get hurt and trampled on all the way around. and well, we won’t even discuss the guilt the biological parent feels as they get caught in a trap of being in the middle of a war they call home. 

Reality sets in and it’s not usually pretty.

 

All camps begin to pull in opposite directions and territorial lines begin to be drawn. Any upset in a plan or ideal becomes a major deal and the fight is on. Parents pull for their own child and loyalties rise. Fights ensue among the newlyweds as both feel torn between their love for their child and the love for their new spouse.  The children complain as they are shuffled from house to house and suddenly houses are fighting because they hear, as we did, only Cinderella’s side of the tail and it looks dark and dismal.

 

For a stepmom her challenge is difficult, and I dare say, even more than a stepdad’s challenge because a mother is called to calm and influence her home. She is the peace in a normal house and suddenly all fingers are pointed in her direction, not only from the camps within her home but society at large who faults her because people are not happy under her care. What she does next will be critical for the survival of her marriage and her family.

Susan Young

  =

The Honeymoon

The Honeymoon

 

I’m sure Cinderella loved Lady Tremaine in the beginning. It always starts out a love fest. I don’t think any stepmother would enter into a relationship with children who hated her. Cinderella, being an only child had to have imagined having two sisters would be a blessing. Lady Tremaine must have felt that one more daughter to love would be wonderful as well. Finally, two broken families would become one complete one. Sounds romantic and safe doesn’t it?

 

If only that were the end of the story, we’d smile and go home bored. We don’t know the middle part of the story but we know it ends very badly. We know we’ve never seen Lady Tremaine smile. Not even once. We know that she has become angry and bitter. Have you ever asked yourself why?

 

Further we know from Cinderella’s perspective that she feels she is a slave, she gets no love and everyone hates her. This is pretty typical even today. In the story of Hansel and Gretel their dad was a woodcutter. How long must their dad had been out in the woods that their stepmother got fed up, and sent them to the witch’s house?

 

While these may be fairy tales of our childhood and great Disney animated movies we can learn a lot from them. For example, will the biological parent please stand up? Where are the parents in these scenarios? Where are the grandparents and the support systems that these families need? This is an important key to the entire process.

 

The honeymoon phase is that dating part of the relationship where everyone is happy to know each other. Only I wonder how much of this is imagination and wishful thinking and how much of this is real? In a dating situation it’s a lot easier to overlook the underlying issues but if we are honest we see the issues, it just that love clouds judgment in this stage.

 

I know a woman who thought her boyfriend’s kids were out of control and needed some discipline. When she broached the subject with him, he answered, “Of course my kids are out of control, I’m out of control, that’s why you are so good for us, you will bring us balance.” Instead of heeding the warning signals that were being thrown at her she became a Lady Tremaine within a year. The problem was the family clinged to her. They had fun with her, they wanted to around her and she was flattered enough to overlook her intuition.

 

Other women I have spoken to say all was well until they got married then the children turned on them. It really wasn’t that the children turned on them, it was that there are such delicate dynamics here.

 

You must go in with eyes wide open. What are some of the obstacles? What does the biological mother think of this new relationship? In the movie Stepmom, there is a scene where the children are horse-back riding with their mother played by Susan Sarrandon. The children are discussing Isabel their dad’s new love interest, played by Julia Roberts, and they seem to like her. There is a poignant moment in the film where the children see the reaction of their mother and sense that she is not pleased at all. So they tell their mother, “If you want us to hate her we will.” Remember that a child’s first allegiance is always going to be with the bio parent.

 

One of the healthiest thing a parent can do is give their child permission to love. Unfortunately that isn’t always the case and so a war ensues where the prisoners of war are the children.

Susan Young

Boundaries

 From Cinderella’s perspective we get the story that she was made to do all the chores and her only friends were mice. This is pretty much the perspective overall of stepchildren worldwide. While the biological daughters were getting their hair done, poor Cinderella was slaving for this family.

 

When a couple gets married for the first time, boundaries aren’t really an issue. They are established together and little by little as life unfolds, they discover things about themselves and about each other and boundaries are set and discussed. So it is no wonder that we believe that the same process of the first marriage is exactly how you would begin a second marriage.

 

Not so at all. A second marriage comes with a whole cast of characters that you didn’t have in a first marriage. A second marriage often has children already in place, it also has ex-spouses, ex-in-laws, friends who are friends with your ex, and well, you get the picture. It is a serious misconception that you come into this marriage as a man and a woman getting ready to begin a life together. You come in as two camps trying to make a life together. It is a much harder proposition to make several people happy, rather than just please two people in love.

 

Boundaries must be set before the wedding. This is one of the pitfalls I see to second marriages. The boundaries are necessary or there will be a lot of presumptions, miscommunications, hurt feelings, and battles. Think about it. If you live in a house, it has clear land boundaries. Let’s say you have great neighbors. You guys BBQ out in the back yard, if you forget to take the trash out to the curb on trash day, if he notices, he hauls it out there for you, you guys like each other. One day your neighbor buys a new RV. Only it doesn’t fit in his carport, but if he removes your fence, he can park it in your yard because you have plenty of room! He neither asks you nor considers that you’d mind at all. He simply does it. You arrive home from work, your dog has run away, because the fence is down, and there is this big RV in your yard. Your neighbor looks shocked! How could you be mad? After all, he’s taken your trash out for years. Suddenly you have problems.

 

There is a saying that says: Good fences make good neighbors. This applies to second marriages. You are bringing two families together there must be boundaries or there will be battles. Those battles can increase and become a war in no time.

 

So what are some boundaries to consider discussing before you get married? Here are some basic questions to get you started but there are many, many more and it is wise to begin to get a list together.

 

Will children have their own rooms or will they share? Who will clean the room?

Are children allowed to play with each other’s things without permission?

If a child visits on weekends, will that child have special exemptions from the everyday household chores of the children who live in the home permanently?

Will the children be allowed to bring their pets from their other family home on visits?

Will the non-biological parent be allowed to discipline the children?

What does discipline look like to you?

What do children’s chores look like to you?

Are you allowed to open each other’s mail?

Are there certain things that are off limits? For example, can children come into your room and get your favorite lipstick, razor, blouse, watch?

How much input, into your new marriage, is allowed to be made by your former spouses?   

Is a pet snake an acceptable family pet?

How will holidays be handled?

How much is too much to spend on clothing, video games, Christmas?

 

You can see how problems can arise quickly and escalate into pitting two camps against each other. Nothing is too petty to discuss at this point. It is no wonder we find Lady Tremaine angry when we meet her. I don’t believe any woman sets out to marry a man with children just to torment them and her.  

 

Finally, a word of warning, do not put this off or think it’s going to work out on it’s own. It just isn’t. Also beware that if you are compromising your answers to get this marriage started, you will face the consequences later. It is much better to discuss and find out that although you love each other, this will not work, than it is to drag yourself and your family through another divorce.

 

Finally, if you are already married, it is never too late to sit down calmly, not during a battle and strategize. You already know what the issues are, now it’s time to lay them on the table and come to reasonable solutions.

Susan Young

When Love is Not Enough

When Love Is Not Enough

 

I want to go off track just a bit, and give some advice, in case you are in the dating stage of your relationship heading for a second marriage. If you are married already, this will help you and I will offer some advice to you as well.

 

I once heard Dr. Laura Schlessinger say love is about 30% of a marriage. Being a romantic I thought surely it was more than that, but when you look at a marriage realistically, you find that Dr. Laura and the song by Patty Smyth are right, “Baby, sometimes love just ain’t enough”. You would think that in a second marriage we’d be a little wiser with our hearts but that really isn’t the case. The heart falls in love the same way it always does and the head needs to be the voice of reason. There are some good reasons to postpone or walk away from a potential partner even when you love them.

 

Look for the warning signals and listen to your gut. Are either of you too involved with ex’s? Where there are children involved, there are going to be conversations, I’m talking about being too involved. Does the ex have house keys? Are family dinners still taking place? Are holidays still spent together? Having you come into the scene might be a really confusing thing to a child whose parent has moved out but everything else looks like a family to them. That will create a war with you and the child and it will not be pretty. Is the ex-couple still at war? There are no wars when it’s not personal anymore.

 

Do you agree with parenting styles? This will be the number 1 debate in a second marriage. Pay attention to time and interaction with his children. Is the visitation agreement being adhered to or is it casual? Is he constantly in court fighting over custody? Do you really want to be a part of that? Are you financially equipped for court battles? Does the amount of money it costs to raise the children going to be an issue for you? Will there be things one set of kids will be able to afford to do, say summer camps or luxury gifts, that the other set of kids will not be afforded the opportunity to do? How will this affect your household? Be honest! Think practically.

 

Now look at the blame game. Is his divorce all his ex’s fault? Has he claimed to have no control over his life whatsoever? Did everything just happen to him without his participation? This is the mind of a victim thinker and victim thinkers blame. Then ask yourself if you have accepted your responsibility in the demise of your marriage as well? Are you playing the victim? Often when we see someone who we feel is a victim we tend to think we can fix them. We neglect to think about what happens to the relationship, and the changes it will go through, once one or both of you become whole again.

 

A second marriage is different in that it brings on added stresses and realizations. This isn’t just about the usual questions of a first marriage, although these questions are important. No, the issues in second marriages are even greater than that. I believe that most often we ignore that there are other issues that go with a second marriage and we neglect that we are bringing with us baggage that just doesn’t exist in a first marriage. 

 

 

In my honest opinion I don’t think anyone should go into a first marriage with someone who is on their second marriage, if there are children involved. It’s way too complicated and best left alone. The heartache I’ve seen in these marriages are too much to bear.

 

What happens if you are reading this but you are already married and living out a nightmare? Can it be repaired? The great news is it can. It will require serious work. It will require some therapy and a lot of self-examination, letting some dreams go, letting some control go and a lot of patience and grace as you wade through this. Are you willing to do the work? Are you willing to do some changing? I’m praying that you are. Next time we’ll talk about boundaries in second marriages.

Susan Young 

Our Measure

By Susan Young

 

You probably don’t even know her name. You’ve probably just heard of her reputation. She is the one by whom we are all measured. We take the story on as fact, never wondering if there was a back-story, and as all tales of evil women go, the man is always missing or is the one being fought over.

 

Her name was Lady Tremaine. It sounds respectable doesn’t it? It sounds like someone you’d want to meet. Lady Tremaine, the name has an air about it, as if, at some point, it was aristocracy.

 

Only if it was, when we meet her in the story she has nothing relating to aristocracy besides the fact that she gets an invitation to the ball. By now, if you haven’t figured it out I’m talking about Cinderella’s stepmother. Yes, we all know her as evil and mean and angry. She has a name and like most stories of angst, it seems unimportant.

 

Only we know that there was progress because the Brother’s Grimm wrote a story about a woodcutter’s wife and she didn’t get a name at all, she is merely known as the evil stepmother. Her stepchildren, Hansel and Gretel were given a loaf of bread and sent out to the witch’s house to be eaten. Now that’s an angry woman.

 

Unfortunately, those are the characters by which we are measured. Stepmother’s have gotten a bad rap for centuries. Now in 2010, the majority of families in America are stepfamilies and even though we are the majority, there still isn’t a lot of help out there for us stepmoms.

 

I often wondered why God selected me to become a stepmother and a Pastor’s wife? I believe it was because in this place, not only could I experience the heartache of blending a family, but also write some things down to help others and a platform in which to access many others. 

 

These messages are not popular. We prefer our lives to be of the fairy-tale variety, omitting the ugly part and focusing only on the fact that Cinderella lived happily ever- after. Unfortunately, it doesn’t take much life experience to realize that it’s not always the plan God has for us. Sometimes, he needs to send someone to walk it out so that they can teach it. He does promise to work it out for us in the end, and the great part is that I sit here as living proof that it does work out, but he never promised that it wouldn’t be painful and life changing. (Jeremiah 29:11, Romans 8:28)

 

So over the course of time, I will unfold these lessons before you and give you strategy to make it work. After all, 75% of second marriages end in divorce before the 5-year mark. The problem is that statistics also show that it takes about 7 years to blend a family or about 1 year for every age of the child. Can you see the dilemma we have? It’s a big one because statistics are saying we are blowing out a marriage just before we get some relief. If we don’t address it, teach on it, and help you stepmoms, then these numbers can’t get better. My goal is to help second marriages thrive. We’ll dig in and address the challenges, pitfalls and comebacks to a successful stepfamily. I’m looking forward to interacting with you! Feel free to ask questions that you have and let’s get started!

Stepfamilies

By Susan Young

 

 

More than one half of all Americans have lived in a stepfamily situation. The truth is more Americans live in a stepfamily than in nuclear families.

 

That statistic is staggering and yet it has been something that we have not really addressed in the church. We simply don’t know what to do with a statistic that goes against our moral values. Only the facts are that they exist and that these families are the ones who sit in the pews of our churches.

 

I have to tell you that when I married my husband, who is the Senior Pastor of our church, and was a widower with two small children, I thought that the church would be ready for this. After all most of them were stepfamilies as well. They were not ready. Many left because we simply didn’t fit their definition of a family and they didn’t know what to do with us anymore.

 

God is good though and I believe that he has a purpose and plan for everything. He began to give us both a heart for stepfamilies. God began to show us that if we as a church are going to be relevant to this culture then He was going to show us a thing or two.

 

One of the first things the Lord showed us was that we weren’t special. We are a ministry family yes, but a stepfamily is a stepfamily and saved or not we were going to have to do the work that it was going to take to make the difference between fighting to stay a family or becoming a statistic.

 

So let’s first look at a few facts:

 

• One in two marriages will fail leaving children primarily living with their biological mother and visiting their biological father.

 

• Of these divorced or widowed families two-thirds of these adults will choose to remarry thus creating a stepfamily.

 

• Of these stepfamilies 60% of them will end in divorce. The statistic is even higher if the children are adolescents.

 

• On average it takes one year per age of a child to blend a family.

 

• If a stepfamily can keep the marriage together past 5 years they have a good chance of making it.

 

• The average stepfamily divorces after 4 years.

 

These statistics don’t change if a person is churched or not so it’s no wonder that we don’t know what to do. 

 

As we go through this process of divorce and remarriage, many pastors are ill prepared to handle the counseling that comes along with this dynamic. This is where I think my husband and I are able to help. We’ve gone through a lot but we’ve also taken some really great notes!

 

If I could give you advice on blending a family it would be the following things.

 

• You are going to have to have a lot of patience. If you are the bio parent your family will be set up with certain routines that may or may not fit with the stepparent. You’ll have to work together to compromise.

 

• You are going to have to trust each other. Often the bio parent thinks the step parent is just out to get the kids. While this may be true in some situations, most parents I’ve counseled are really trying to get along. Everything however that is seen with suspicious eyes is met with question. Ask yourself if you are being overly sensitive to situations.

 

• Most bio parents carry enormous guilt over a failed marriage or the death of a spouse. This means they tend to parent out of guilt and so therefore there are a lot of behaviors that get let go in order to console a conscious. This will be frustrating to a stepparent and will probably cause arguments. Not only that but you aren’t doing your children any favors either. You’ll have to watch for this one. Check your motives.

 

• Most children will try to play one parent up against the other. Remember their allegiance is to their bio parents no matter how much they like you. This is normal and natural. It will be up to you, the adults to watch for this and communicate.

 

• A stepparent can’t be the parent no matter what. I don’t see myself as my stepkid’s mom, they had a mom and she died. I am at best going to try to be the best substitute there is. Now remember what the substitute teacher goes through in a classroom? That is what you can expect as well!

 

• Above all love each other and take your burdens to Jesus. He will walk through it with you.

 

 I would love to tell you that life will be perfect and easy, it won’t be. I can promise that if you can gain each other’s trust and have the best interest of the family in mind, it will get better. Remember that God never hands you anything you can’t handle and He will guide you through even those tough times.

 

 

Form a Family

Marybeth Whalen

“A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in his holy dwelling. God sets the lonely in families.” Psalm 68:5-6a (NIV)

Devotion:

Author’s Note: This devotion is not written to endorse divorce, but to encourage those caught in the pain of it.
Blended families are everywhere, in every shape and size. Perhaps you belong to a blended family, either through your extended family or your immediate one. Statistics show that most people reading this are part of a blended family – facing the unique challenges and struggles blended families face. Is it possible for blended families to work through all of this and enjoy happiness?

This Christmas I received a framed photo from my mother-in-law. Because my husband’s parents are divorced, I have two mothers-in-law. But this gift came from my husband’s stepmother. It was a framed group photo of all of us from our beach trip this summer — our family, his dad and stepmom, her daughter and her family, and my husband’s sister and her family. Eleven grandchildren dotted the beach as we all squeezed into the photo. As I studied the photo, I realized that it is a testimony to God’s ability to somehow form a family against all odds.

When I first met my husband 18 years ago, his family was still navigating through the uncharted territory of bringing together three teens from two different families and learning to live in some sort of harmony. Though Curt had left for college, his sister and step-sister remained behind and had some turbulent years as these two girls fought and schemed and cried. I know that those years were difficult for his stepmother and father as well. They questioned their decisions and wondered if they would all live through it.

But they also did something else which I have had the privilege of watching through the years. They sought the Lord. They practiced grace and exercised forgiveness. They turned the other cheek when feelings got hurt. They kept promises that were painful to keep. They demonstrated a love they didn’t always feel. They got stronger as a result of their struggles. They knew that God would work through their obedience, their prayers and their commitment. And, in looking at that photo, I know that He did.

I also grew up in a blended family - I am a stepchild. I know the struggle of having a parent in the home who was not your “real” parent. I know the resentments that can creep in, and have felt the pain of loss when broken relationships fragment families. And yet, I also know the joys and blessings that can occur from having extra family members thrown in the mix. My horizons have been broadened through relationships I have with my stepfather and his children. Their perspective and background has added a richness and depth to my life that I would have missed. I think a blended family can be a visual record of Romans 8:28 being worked out in our lives, “In all things (even the heartbreak of divorce), God works for the good of those who love him.” I think that helping people somehow form a family brings a smile to the Father’s face.

Dear Lord, help me do my part to bring peace to my family—even when You ask me to lay down my pride and be vulnerable. Help me to trust in Your ability to somehow form a family. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

 

Biting The Dog That Bit You!

Written By: Deborah R.

 

 

Have you heard the expression, “Bite the dog that bit you!”  I suppose it’s an expression of a lesson; as if you’re really going to teach a dog a lesson about biting.  This amuses me.  I can picture it now…a dog takes a bite at you and in response, you bend down and grab the dog’s tail and bite down as hard as you can only to have the dog turn and bite you once more!  How comical our thought life can be.

 

However, in bringing this to a more substantial application in our lives, it’s very true.  Only we don’t “bite” back the way we were bitten.  Let me clarify this.  The bible states that we should turn the other cheek when we are hit on one side.  And, that we should give someone our coat who takes from us.  We are to bless those who do wrong to us.  WHAT?  Bless those who do wrong to us?  That’s crazy!  No, my friends…that’s the love of Christ maturing in our lives.  It’s the tree of the Spirit producing good fruit for all to eat.  It’s taking us to the next level mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

 

I recently “BIT” back and took a big chunk out of my past!  How did I do this?  I’m glad you asked.  This past month my daughter had a big birthday sending her into the infamous TEEN years.  She didn’t want a party, so I decided to throw her a surprise party.  I would invite family and friends.  Hmmm…family.  Well, that’s a hard decision to make as to whom I would actually invite.  Certain family is always invited to these parties and then there is the big one question of…will I invite her grandparents and her dad and step-mom.  Whoa!  Let me take a breath.  You see, I haven’t had a relationship with my parents for about 5 or 6 years because of abuse in my childhood.  And her father…how could I have a relationship with someone I loved dearly that ripped my heart out and left us for a co-worker?  How could I ever do that!?

 

I really had to ask myself some serious questions.  Am I the same person I was back then when those hurts happened?  Am I still holding grudges against those who harmed me?  Am I withholding my relationship with them as a ransom resulting from my hurt?  Have I not grown at all in my Christian walk?   How do I want my children to react to the hurts in their lives?  I can talk the talk…but am I walking the walk?  The choice is was mine to make.

 

I thought long and hard about these questions.  I wrestled with myself in not wanting to let go of the “power” that I thought I had regarding both issues.  I thought about my children and their feelings.  They both love their grandparents and their dad.  Am I going to add to the difficulties that they will face in life by withholding their grandparents from them or by keeping a relationship with their father at bay?  My son will be graduating this year.  That means graduation party and graduation itself.  I cannot keep the ones he loves from enjoying his accomplishments.  My daughter will be playing sports in middle school and she will want them to come and watch her.  They both need that aspect of their lives fulfilled.

 

So, I invited my ex-husband and his wife and step-daughter.  I invited my mother and dad.  I told myself that if they didn’t come to her party that I wouldn’t invite them to anything ever again.  Boy that shows great love – NOT.  A friend told me that I shouldn’t stop inviting them because that’s their decision.  They have to live with the decisions they make.  Good friends are hard to come by especially if they can gently BANG you over the head and indirectly say GROW-UP!

 

Invitations went out and the party was had.  The grandparents came.  That was a good step forward even though it was a little awkward for both of us.  He dad came but her step-mom didn’t.  I had to prepare myself greatly for the evening.  I was prepared for anything.  The great thing about inviting those of a strained relationship to a gather of this nature is that there are other people you have to mingle with because you are the hostess!  The evening went well.  Her dad left early, I’m sure because his wife was not there but my parents stayed until the end of the evening.  Conversation was casual and kept as light as possible.  When the entire guest had left, I took a deep breath of relief and busied myself with cleaning as not to have any other conversations regarding the guest.  Feeling good about the evening and it so surprised my daughter, I relished in those thought until my daughter came into the kitchen with me.  She was talking non-stop and then I heard the tone in her voice become very soft and tender as she said, “Thank you mom for inviting Granny and Papa.”  I told her she was welcomed and she ran to her room looking through her gifts from the night.  As I finished cleaning the kitchen, tears came to my eyes and I knew I did the right thing by inviting everyone that I did.   Those people who made me stretch and grow in new directions made the evening more special and more memorable for my daughter. 

 

How do you bring to a close one event that gave you back the keys of your past?  How do you summarize all of your feelings and emotions and mentally make sense of the situation…only by the Word of God!

 

Matthew 5:3-10 blessed are the poor inspirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.  Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted.  Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth.  Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled.  Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy.  Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God.  Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.  Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness’ sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

 

We are in this world but we are not of this world.