Role Models of America

My Secret

Lysa TerKeurst

 

 “I sought the Lord and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.

 Those who look to him are radiant. Their faces are never covered with shame.”

Psalm 34:4-5 (NIV)

 

The young teenage girl named Sidney sat across from me with eyes full of emotion.  Her voice choked out a whispered, “thank you,” as she turned and kissed the chubby-cheeked little boy sitting in the baby carrier beside her.  Just one year earlier, I’d sat across from this same precious girl listening to her plans to have an abortion the next day.  Panic, confusion and fear consumed her and made her feel as though she had no other choice.  As soon as she spoke those words, tears fell from both of our eyes.  Hers were tears of relief.  Mine were tears of redemption.  Both were wrapped in the hope that God truly can take even our worst mistakes and somehow bring good from them.

 

Yesterday, you read Luann’s beautiful devotion about her making the last minute decision to not abort her baby.  Sixteen years ago I was also a young woman panicked and sitting in an abortion clinic.  Only unlike Luann and Sidney, tragically, I kept my appointment.  And I can honestly say, the grief that entered my life that day has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to face.  For years I kept this secret buried deep within my heart.  I was so ashamed, so horrified, so convinced that if anyone ever found out I’d had an abortion, I’d be rejected by all my church friends and deemed a woman unfit to serve God.

 

So I suffered in silence, wrapped in a cloak of shame. 

 

Going to church was incredibly hard during those years.  I was convinced I was the only Christian woman who’d ever had an abortion.  I’d never heard another Christian woman share this as a part of her testimony. Never did I hear of anyone speak of the hope and grace that Jesus provides to those of us who were suffering from making that decision.  I only heard well-meaning Christians debate the issue of abortion with very strong words.  Their words stung, made my heart seize and my eyes feel like they’d explode into a flood of a million tears.  

 

Don’t get me wrong, the issue of abortion is serious and we should take a strong stand against it.  But we must also remember that it’s more than a topic of religious and political debate.  For one in three women within the church, it is one of the most painful parts of their life story.  One for which they want to find forgiveness and healing, but are too afraid of being judged to share their secret with anyone.

 

So they suffer in silence, wrapped in a cloak of shame.

 

Sweet friend, is this you?  Are you in this place?  Can I offer you a lifeline today?  There is hope and healing that can be found.  It is possible to be forgiven and to let go of the emotional pain.  For me, there were three things that helped my healing more than anything.  First, I sought help from my local

Crisis

Pregnancy

Center

who offered a Post Abortion Bible Study.  Secondly, I named my baby and wrote a letter promising to make his life count by sharing our story to help others.  And lastly, I kept my promise to my child and asked God to give me the courage to share my story with someone in order to help them.

 

Remember

Sidney

?  She was one of the first people I ever told.  Seeing God bring good out of what Satan meant for such evil in my life, did more to heal my heart than almost anything else. 

 

Dear Lord, please tenderly give us the courage to face the secrets hidden in our hearts. Lord, we ask for your forgiveness.  And we ask for your healing.  Please help us see some kind of good come from our past mistakes.  In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Anger? Not Me!

By:  Walterene Jones

 

 

It has been almost six months since my husband went to be with the Lord and this week has been a tough one.  First, I stopped at the grocery store to pick up a few items and ran into an old friend that I haven’t seen in many years.  The first thing she said was “How is your family, how is Bro. Steve”?  I held it together and told her that he had passed away.  The look on her face is unforgettable.  She started saying over and over how sorry she was, that she didn’t know, she was so sorry she didn’t even know he was sick.  I continued to check out my groceries and I could hear her in the next check out line still saying, I’m so sorry Walterene, you all were so close, it must be so hard.  I could hardly stand there and rushed out as soon as I paid for my things.  I know this is going to happen, and that people are shocked because so many people loved him, but they don’t understand that a simple, I’m so sorry is sufficient and how going on and on hurts me so much and is so hard to handle. 

 

Over the past few months I have read many times since my husband passed away about the different stages of Grief, and I always saw “Anger” as one listed.  I remembered as a child how I overheard my Aunt saying how angry she was with my Uncle for dying and leaving her with 4 small children to raise alone.  I thought to myself as I read it, I knew how sick Steve was, I lived it day-by-day along with him.  I will not ever go through that that stage, there is no reason for me to.  You guessed it.  A few mornings ago, I was on my way to work and was thinking about all the things I needed to accomplish and all of a sudden like a rush of wind, I started feeling Angry.  I started saying, “You knew there were things wrong with the car and you knew the things that needed to be fixed around the house, how could you leave me holding the bag like this?”  Tears began to pour down my face as overwhelming guilt took over and I found myself apologizing and saying, “I’m so sorry, I know how sick you were, I watched your strength disappear and you waste away loosing over 100 lbs.  I know you couldn’t fix all the things and take care of everything, but why didn’t you tell me how to do it all?”

 

While some things are getting a little easier and I am adjusting, I still miss him so much.