By: Walterene Jones
It has been almost six months since my husband went to be with the Lord and this week has been a tough one. First, I stopped at the grocery store to pick up a few items and ran into an old friend that I haven’t seen in many years. The first thing she said was “How is your family, how is Bro. Steve”? I held it together and told her that he had passed away. The look on her face is unforgettable. She started saying over and over how sorry she was, that she didn’t know, she was so sorry she didn’t even know he was sick. I continued to check out my groceries and I could hear her in the next check out line still saying, I’m so sorry Walterene, you all were so close, it must be so hard. I could hardly stand there and rushed out as soon as I paid for my things. I know this is going to happen, and that people are shocked because so many people loved him, but they don’t understand that a simple, I’m so sorry is sufficient and how going on and on hurts me so much and is so hard to handle.
Over the past few months I have read many times since my husband passed away about the different stages of Grief, and I always saw “Anger” as one listed. I remembered as a child how I overheard my Aunt saying how angry she was with my Uncle for dying and leaving her with 4 small children to raise alone. I thought to myself as I read it, I knew how sick Steve was, I lived it day-by-day along with him. I will not ever go through that that stage, there is no reason for me to. You guessed it. A few mornings ago, I was on my way to work and was thinking about all the things I needed to accomplish and all of a sudden like a rush of wind, I started feeling Angry. I started saying, “You knew there were things wrong with the car and you knew the things that needed to be fixed around the house, how could you leave me holding the bag like this?” Tears began to pour down my face as overwhelming guilt took over and I found myself apologizing and saying, “I’m so sorry, I know how sick you were, I watched your strength disappear and you waste away loosing over 100 lbs. I know you couldn’t fix all the things and take care of everything, but why didn’t you tell me how to do it all?”
While some things are getting a little easier and I am adjusting, I still miss him so much.