Role Models of America

What To Remember When Stressed Out

                                        By Gayla Holley

 

Go slowly in your spirit and you will not miss Me.

 

Stop and remember when under duress  to keep the stability and stableness of my own personal character.  What is my reputation (or what I want to be) in the eyes of others – my children, and the eyes of my husband,  and also the eyes of others.

 

Am I losing my own witness to them by my behavior?  When the stress of  my life  is over, what do I want them to remember about me?

 

When the stress of this present hour is over what do I want them to think about me?

 

Still myself – and get at peace.  This takes time, so until you are calm about it – take the necessary time to get calm.  This is a walk – a bike ride – some physical activity that causes you to release all of the pressure that has built up.

Overcoming Grief and Loneliness

by Joyce Meyer

I'm told that the number one problem facing people today is grief and loneliness. People encounter major losses in their lives, and sadly, many never get over them. When tragedy occurs and the hurt seems unbearable, Satan sees an opportunity to try to bring a family or an individual into permanent bondage. The death of a loved one, divorce or the severing of a close relationship can cause grief, and most people go through a grieving process. The key to victory is understanding the difference between a normal, balanced grieving process and a spirit of grief that will try to attach itself to the hurting person. One helps the grieving person get better with the passing of time; the other causes him to get worse and sink deeper and deeper into the pit of despair.

           

            I believe that one of the reasons why people, especially Christians, get into bondage during these trying times is a lack of understanding about the grieving process. This process is a succession of events that may occur in a person's life when something or someone that means a lot to them is suddenly no longer there. Obviously everyone doesn't experience the same thing to the same degree, but we do have emotions that can be wounded and bruised and must be healed. Healing is a process that God walks His children through step-by-step, unless He performs a miracle.

           

            Shock and denial are two of the first things a person may encounter when tragedy occurs. Actually, God uses them to protect us from devastation. To illustrate, consider an automobile's shock absorbers. They're designed to cushion the vehicle from unexpected bumps in the road. Without them, the car would fall apart from the violent blows encountered during its travels. People are often the same way.

We're traveling on the road of life, and most of the time we're not expecting bumps or potholes. So when they suddenly show up, we're not ready for them. The Holy Spirit-our God-given "shock absorber"-cushions the blow until we can readjust and adapt our thinking to accommodate the sudden change in the ride. Shock and denial are normal if they're temporary; however, they become a major problem if people permanently refuse to face reality and learn how to deal with them.

           

            The next thing people often feel is anger-at themselves.

They begin to think of things they wish they would or would not have done that might have made the situation better or even prevented it altogether. Satan wants us to live with regret. There is no one alive who wouldn't say, "I wish I hadn't done that!" or "I wish I had done this." Satan seeks to place blame, intending to throw us into a lifetime of guilt, condemnation and self-hatred.

           

            The apostle Paul stated in Philippians 3:13, ...one thing I do [it is my one aspiration]: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead. The word "straining" in the Amplified translation tells us that whenever we have to "press on" there will be opposition from the enemy.

           

            Endings always bring new beginnings. Satan strives to keep us out of the new place that God has prepared. He wants to trap us in the past and cause us to live in permanent misery, which is what self-anger and self-blame will do.

           

            People may also experience anger at the person who left them-even if they died. My aunt told me that after my uncle died, she'd beat his pillow at night and yell, "Why did you leave me?" Obviously, her intellect knew he didn't purposely leave her, but her emotions were speaking. Emotions have a voice; when they're wounded, they may react like a wounded animal. Wounded animals can be quite dangerous, and so can wounded emotions if they're followed.

           

            Grieving people need to know about the grieving process and some of the things they may experience such as not to be led by painful feelings. When a major loss occurs, this isn't the time for a person to make serious decisions or deal with other issues that may produce anxiety or be emotionally upsetting.

           

            Being angry with God is quite common. People frequently ask, "If God is good, all-powerful, and full of love for us, why didn't He stop the thing that caused the pain?" This is where Satan seeks to build a wall between God and the hurting person. He seizes the opportunity to say, "God isn't good, and He can't be trusted." However, we know according to the Word of God, the truth is not in Satan-he is a liar and the father of lies.

           

            James 1:12,13 says, Blessed (happy, to be envied) is the man who is patient under trial and stands up under temptation, for when he has stood the test and been approved, he will receive [the victor's] crown of life which God has promised to those who love Him. Let no one say when he is tempted, I am tempted from God; for God is incapable of being tempted by [what is] evil and He Himself tempts no one. Verse 17 goes on to say, Every good gift and every perfect (free, large, full) gift is from above; it comes down from the Father of all [that gives] light, in [the shining of] Whom there can be no variation [rising or setting] or shadow cast by His turning [as in an eclipse].

           

            In other words, God is good, and He cannot be anything else. Furthermore, He isn't one way one time and another way another time. He doesn't change. He is good, and that's the way He is. But what about the original question? Since God is good and all-powerful, why didn't He stop this thing before it brought all the hurt and pain? To be very honest, these are questions we don't have completely sufficient answers for. First Corinthians 13:12 says, ...Now I know in part (imperfectly).... Trust will always require us to accept unanswered questions! We want answers to everything, but we must come to the place where we're satisfied to know the One who knows and place our trust in Him. Being mad at God is foolish because He's the only One who can bring the needed help and comfort to the grieving or bereaved person.

           

            People also get angry with the devil. This is normal and even good if the anger is properly expressed. The only way to repay the devil for hurt and devastation in our personal lives is to aggressively and vehemently do the works of Jesus. Romans 12:21 says, ...overcome

(master) evil with good.

           

            People experiencing tragedy often go through stages of emotional expressions of sobbing and hysteria. These may come and go when least expected. Even people who are normally quite unemotional may experience a great deal of emotion during times of loss. In general, people are afraid of emotions, and an uncontrolled display of these emotions is even more fearful. I encourage you to fear not because it will pass. Good understanding and a lot of help from the Holy Spirit will bring you victory through this kind of situation.

           

            Confusion, disorientation and fear are also common.

Depression and waves of overwhelming feelings are experienced by many, as well as physical symptoms caused by the emotional stress. I believe the key word in these situations is balance.

           

            The Bible talks of how King David was feeling depressed, but he resisted it. He didn't sink into it or get into the pit of despair. He described how he felt, but he made a decision not to live by his feelings (see Psalm 42:5-11 and Psalm 143). People have often confided in me how discouraging it is when others make them feel like their faith isn't good enough during these times. I believe it takes more faith to go through something victoriously than to be delivered from it. There are some who experience complete deliverance from grief after a huge loss, but that doesn't happen to everybody. There are others, and I might even say most of us, who go through very emotionally difficult times when tragic loss occurs. Those who are walking in faith come out of it, and they come out of it better than when they went in.

           

            In closing, let me say, "Do not lose your hope!" If you are hurting right now due to a loss in your life, I want to tell you that a new beginning is in front of you. You may go through some things that you'll never understand, but trust God to work them out for your good. What Satan intends for your harm, God can turn around for your good!

The Guide for the Newly Widowed

On Being Alone:

Losing a loved one - whether through unexpected or anticipated circumstances - is always traumatic. This is especially true with the death of a spouse. It is one of life's most profound losses. The transition from wife to widow, husband to widower, is a very real, painful, and personal phenomenon. The trauma of trying to adjust to this new identity while being besieged with a multitude of urgent questions and decisions can be overwhelming.

Here are several things to remember when faced with the death of your spouse. While they may seem simple, they are very important points to remember:

1. Give yourself permission to mourn.
   Men and women both need to give themselves permission to mourn. Postponing a confrontation with your feelings by filling each day with frantic activity will only delay and compound the grief reaction. Denying your grief can be helpful in separating yourself from the pain. But, the agony is still there and it will stay there until you acknowledge it.
2. Be aware that you may experience a range of emotions.
   Your reactions to death may cover a wide and confusing range of emotions (such as shock, numbness, anger, pain, and yearning). It may help to think of grief as clusters of reactions or fluid phases that overlap one another. Grief does not proceed in an orderly fashion any more than life itself does.
3. With effort, you can and you must overcome your grief.
   One of the myths about mourning is that it has an ending point, that if you just wait long enough, it suddenly stops hurting. It doesn't. It requires work. More than time, bereavement takes effort to heal. Mourning is a natural and personal process that only you can pace. It cannot be rushed and it cannot happen without your participation.
4. When needed, find the strength to take action.
   As a newly widowed person, there may be urgent financial and legal decisions you must make following the death of your spouse. You have just suffered an emotionally devastating event and the last thing you want to deal with is money matters. But money does matter, now and for your future, so try to do the best you can. Postpone, however, any decisions that can be put off until you feel better emotionally.
5. Work to tame your fears.
   When the first impact of death wears off, you may feel you are losing control. This is a normal part of the grieving process. Unlike mental illness, the strong feelings suffered during grief gradually and permanently disappear. Because you may experience a feeling of temporary instability, it's important to remember that you have the ability to cope. This is a time when much of your adjustment to widowhood takes place.
6. In your own time, in your own way, you can say goodbye.
   The present, with all its pain and sorrow, is the only reality you have. Memories are very important, but they cannot be used as a shield against the present. At some point in your grieving, you will be ready to try to say goodbye.
7. Stress can wreak havoc on your health.
   The effect of grief on our health is just beginning to be measured. While guarding your health can be among the least of your concerns during the throes of grief, you must work toward maintaining your health as soon as you feel able. This means beginning some form of regular exercise, getting proper nutrition, and reporting physical complaints to your doctor.
8. If interested, consider employment, continuing education or volunteer opportunities that match your needs and interests.
   Entering the job market after a long absence, or for the first time, can be one of the most challenging tasks that widowed persons encounter. If interested, look for ways to enhance, capitalize and build on the skills you've developed over the years. Don't be afraid to ask about employment opportunities whenever and wherever you can. Prepare well for your job search. If you do not need to return to work immediately, you may decide to go back to school or to contact Elderhostel, which offers educational opportunities in the U.S. and abroad. There are also volunteer opportunities that are meaningful and personally fulfilling in your community, which you may want to consider.

My Journey Home

Part  One

                  by Shirley B.

 

This testimony has been a long time coming for me and a very long journey.  When I prayed and asked the Lord to show me how to begin, He impressed on me to start at the beginning, just like He did and tell it all.  I can't put my story under one heading.  Yes, there was abuse, both physical and emotional .  Yes, there were three divorces I went through in the families I lived in.  I suppose being dysfunctional would cover most of it, but not all.  My father was from Texas, the youngest of 13 children, mostly men, who joined the Air Force in the 1940's and went off to war, leaving him to care for my sick grandmother. My grandmother shortly died and he quickly decided to enlist also. One of his older brothers had met someone in Mississippi on leave and had married her. This brother introduced my father to my mother, who lived in Mississippi and they married.  Too quickly.  This set off a real Hatfields and McCoys saga in our family .  My father's family considered my mother to be white trash , from a poor family who lived in poverty in the backwoods of Mississippi, who used her looks to trap our father into marriage. 

I was three, almost four years old, the time we were living in Freeport, Texas.  I had a sister who was two years older than I was and I can't tell this story without including her in it.  We were in it all together, her and I.  At that time, we lived on the upper floor of a two story apartment.  I can remember that the outside staircase was very steep. 

On this particular day, my mother was washing clothes and in those days, they would boil starch and dip the shirts in them before hanging them.  She had filled a huge galvanized tub with the last of the boiling starch and left it at the very bottom of the staircase.  I came out the balcony door to the first step and down I went.  Down two flights of stairs into that tub of scalding starch. 

My  next conscious memory was waking up in the hospital.  I could see my reflection in the stainless steel and mirror like equipment around my bed, and people gathered about me.  I was strapped up and wrapped like a mummy.  I could only see openings for my eyes and mouth and a small space where my nose was. 

My uncle had brought a basket of fruit that he was holding. I remember it had a lot of oranges, my favorite, and my last thought was,  " How am I going to eat those oranges?" 

This was the last thought I  ever remembered about this accident. God was so merciful to me in that I never have remembered the pain and suffering of the next year of my life.  I had many broken bones and burns and scars. Oh, I was aware that I had  this accident, but I never remembered the actual fall until almost 25 years later. 

 

This was the beginning of the end for an already troubled marriage.  I was to learn later , from my mother's sister, that on that day,  my mother could only stand there and scream til my father came running from the other side of the house to see what had happened.  He was the one who reached down into that scalding tub of starch to pull me out.  I was burning  and I was drowning and I was broken but my mother couldn't force herself to reach in for me. 

No one could understand it. It was a lot to forgive and I'm sure the recovery period over the next year didn't help matters .  I had to be treated very carefully.  Wrapped and unwrapped and cleaned ,careful of the burns and the broken collarbone and others things.  It's like looking back at something that happened to someone else. 

I recovered.  I still have some scars, but little by little, as I grew, they have become smaller and faded.  However, the beginning of a great trial for my sister and I had just begun,  and  our mother began to show a side of herself that we would not have believed was possible for a mother.  If there had been forgiveness and understanding on the part of both my father and mother, maybe  a lot of pain and suffering would have been avoided.  

God tells us to  put up with each other, and forgive each other . Colossians 3:13.    

God is always faithful to His Word, and forgiveness is something He commands us to do.  I believe in my heart, that if there had been this forgiveness between my mother and father,  God would have helped them make things right . 

Jeremiah 29:11 tells me that God knows the plans that He has for me, plans for good and not for evil.  However, there was no forgiveness  between my parents  for this incident and more that was to come, and there was no wisdom concerning the things of God.  Twenty five years later, when I saw my mother's sister again, she was shocked to see that I had no visible scars.  God healed me .  Where others thought there would be ugly scars,  He left none.  Isn't that just like God,  to make the wisdom of man seem foolish?  I wish that the story ended here, but it didn't and the page of life turned.

To be continued................

 

Isaiah 53 : 5

 

He was wounded for our rebellious acts,

He was crushed for our sins,

He was punished so that we could have peace,

and we received healing from his wounds.

Just Push!

JUST PUSH

A woman was sleeping  one night in her house when suddenly her room filled with light, and God appeared. The Lord told the  woman that  he had work for her to do, and showed her a large rock in front of her house. The Lord explained that the woman was to Push against the rock with all her might...

So, this the woman did, day after day. For many years she toiled from sunup to sundown, her shoulders set squarely against the cold, massive surface of the unmoving rock, pushing with all her might!

Each night the woman returned to her home  sore and worn out, Feeling that her whole day had been spent in vain. Since the woman was showing
discouragement, the Adversary (Satan) decided to enter the picture by
placing thoughts into the weary mind: (He will do it every time)!

You have been pushing against that rock for a long time and it hasn't
moved." Thus, he gave her  the impression that the task was
impossible and that she was a failure. These thoughts discouraged and
disheartened the woman.

Satan said, "Why kill yourself over this? Just put in your time, giving
just the minimum effort; and that will be good enough."

That's what the weary woman  planned to do, but decided to make it a matter of Prayer and to take her troubled thoughts to The Lord.

"Lord," she said, "I have labored long and hard in Your Service, putting
all my strength to do that which you have asked. Yet, after all this
time, I have not even budged that rock by half a millimeter. What is
wrong? Why am I failing?"

The Lord responded compassionately, "My friend, when I asked you to
serve Me and you accepted, I told you that your task was to push against
the rock with all of your strength, which you have done.

Never once did I mention to you that I expected you to move it. Your
task was to push. And now you come to Me with your strength spent,
thinking that you have failed.

But, is that really so? Look at yourself. Your arms are strong and
muscled, your back well built; your hands are solid from
constant pressure, your legs have become firm and hard.

Through opposition you have grown much, and your abilities now surpass
that which you used to have. True, you haven't moved the rock. But your
calling was to be Obedient and to push and to exercise your Faith and
trust in My Wisdom. That you have done. Now I, my friend, will move the
rock."

At times, when we hear a word from God, we tend to use our own intellect
to decipher what He Wants, when actually what God wants is just simple
obedience and faith in Him.

By all means, exercise the Faith that moves mountains, but know that it
is still God Who moves The Mountains.

When everything seems to go wrong..........................Just P.U.S.H.


When the job gets you down............................,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Just
P.U.S.H.

When people don't do as you think they should...............Just
P.U.S.H.

When your money is "gone" and the bills are due...............Just
P.U.S.H.

When people just don't understand you.........................Just
P.U.S.H.

P = Pray
U = Until
S = Something
H = Happens

 "Though no one can go back and make a brand new
start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending."

Friends are quiet angels who lift us to our feet when our wings have
trouble remembering how to fly. May God Bless You.

What Women Say ......

“The more abortion has become entrenched, the more difficult it has become for women to resist the pressure to avail themselves of it.” — MELINDA TANKARD REIST, Giving Sorrow Words

“So far it has been assumed that the only pregnancies which are aborted are accidental ones and the only foetuses destroyed those whose mothers could not bear the thought of their becoming children. In a just world this would be the case, but the world is far from just. Too many women are forced to abort by poverty, by their menfolk, by their parents. Poverty has many faces; it may be the poverty of the young, the unmarried, the student, the unemployed, the female or a combination of these.” — GERMAINE GREER, Sex and Destiny

“Professionally, we are obliged to give accurate, current and factual information to our patients to assist them in making a fully informed decision. This is the basis of informed consent. Yet nurses are advised to avoid showing pictures which explain the development of the unborn child because it may make them feel guilty, even though it is often our patients who later question us as to why we did not give them more information.” — BARBARA DOCHERTY, Practice nurse educator, New Zealand GP, March 8, 2000.

“Every woman I have seen who has had a termination has a difficult time subsequently. They have a grief process and sorting out time to go through. It certainly doesn't leave them unmarked and I have never met a woman who has had one who would want to go through it again of her own free will.” — Dr CHRISTINE FORSTER, Chairwoman, NZ Abortion Supervisory Committee, 1994-2001 Sunday-Star Times, 28 April 1996

“A choice is only possible if there are genuine alternatives.” — GERMAINE GREER, The Whole

Questions about Abortions

Are You Suffering from Post-Abortion Stress? If you have had an abortion(s), you may be suffering from post-abortion stress.  Answering the following questions can help you figure out how the abortion(s) may have effected your life. Do you find yourself struggling to turn off feelings or memories related to your abortion(s)? Do you need to keep reminding yourself to just forget it or put it behind you? Do you become uncomfortable around reminders of the abortion, such as being around babies, pregnant women, doctor's offices, or when hearing news reports about abortion? Do you feel nervous or anxious at the idea of telling a loved one about your abortion? Is your abortion a secret that is holding you back from greater intimacy with others? When you do choose to share your abortion experience with others, are you overcome with strong feelings such as anger, sorrow, grief, or guilt? Do you have trouble talking about the abortion issue as a political issue? When you do talk about it, do you find it hard to respect opposing views, or do you becoming overly emotional, either in support of or opposition to it? Do you have an unhealthy sense of fear that you, your loved ones, or your other children will be hurt or killed? Are you "smothering" or overly protective of your children? Do you tend to look at life in terms of "before" and "after" the abortion(s)? Has the abortion changed the way you look at yourself? Are there traits about your "self" before the abortion that you lost but would wish to regain in your life? Do you become angry or depressed more easily? Have you experienced "reconnectors" to your abortion, such as nightmares, flashbacks, or hallucinations, such as hearing a baby cry? Was there a period after your abortion when you experienced an increase in the use of alcohol or drugs (illegal or prescription)? Have you experienced other forms of emotional deadening? Have you experienced any suicidal thoughts? Do you take risks that put your life in danger? Do you try to hurt yourself? Have you developed any eating disorders? Have you lost interest in taking care of yourself? Do you care about how you look? Have you tried to become less attractive to avoid the risk of becoming involved in a relationship, love, and sex? Do you have trouble with finding, building, or maintaining good relationships with people of the opposite sex? Do you have trouble with issues of trust and control? Do you get involved in hurtful or abusive relationships? Do you tolerate abuse because you don't feel you deserve any better? Is there an increased distance between you and your parents or siblings because of the past abortion(s)? Is there tension between you and others because the abortion is something everyone avoids talking about? Have you lost the desire for sexual intercourse? Do you have increased pain during intercourse? Have you become promiscuous because of low self-esteem? Have you lost your desire to have children? Do you experience periods of depression, heightened anxiety, or cramping during certain months of the year, particularly during the months that would correspond to the month of your abortion(s) or the due date of the aborted pregnancy? Have you lost your faith? Have you lost a sense of God's peace? Do you think God still loves you? Are you afraid of God? Have your rejected belief in God for emotional reasons rather than thoughtful reasons?   If you are experiencing any of the above problems, post-abortion counseling may help. Skilled and understanding people want to help. Many have been through the same things you are going through now. There are many post-abortion counselors and support groups, often run by women who have had abortions, who can help you find out how to deal with your experience. Copyright 1998, Elliot Institute
		www.afterabortion.org

Men and Abortion

Losing a child by abortion.
by Bradley Mattes, MBS

What about a man involved in the decision to abort his baby? Does he too suffer negative psychological effects? If so, where can he turn for help to cope? As we investigate these questions and more, you will be surprised by the answers.

Peter and his girlfriend had sex only once. A short time later she phoned to tell him that she was pregnant, even though they had each used contraception. With him as a reluctant participant, she aborted their child. Their relationship was one of the first casualties of the abortion. Peter cited a lack of trust as the reason for the split. Within a couple of months he was using alcohol and drugs to get temporary relief from the pain. In an attempt to deal with his grief, he reached out to his brothers and sisters, only to be told that he did the right thing. His fear of women kept him from dating for 8 years.

Tad was divorced when his girlfriend got pregnant and they agreed to abort their baby. In the process, the relationship was destroyed. Not long after his second marriage, his daughter got pregnant and he assisted her to abort his grandchild. It wasn’t until his daughter planned her second abortion that Tad realized the humanity of the unborn child. In his effort to bury his feelings about the abortions, he assumed a "wooden demeanor". During this time Tad said he did a lot of damage to his wife and children by being withdrawn.

These are just two of more than thirty-million men who are struggling to cope with the loss of their children through abortion. For many they willingly participated in the decision to abort and assisted their partners in securing an abortion.

Several even pressured their partners into having an abortion. Sadly, some watched helplessly as their precious unborn child was aborted in spite of their pleas to give their baby life. Still others weren’t told of their fatherhood until after their child had already died in the abortion chamber.

MOTIVATING FACTORS
In many ways men and women respond very differently to the loss of a child from abortion. To empathize with a man’s reaction to this profound loss, it is important to first understand what motivates the human male species. Instinct drives men to achieve success in five key areas of their lives.

Pleasure. The desire for men to enjoy pleasure extends beyond the need for sexual satisfaction and fulfillment. It also encompasses the enjoyment of having children, watching them grow, learn and become independent and productive citizens in their own right. Men also seek the pleasure of a life-mate, a wife who will provide companionship through the ups and downs along the way.

Procreate. Perhaps the most important element motivating man is his desire to procreate. Men provide an essential role in the continuation of the human race. Almost every man, whether he verbalizes it or not, values the idea of having offspring of his own flesh and blood — carrying on the family name or bloodline.

Provide. A man’s reproductive cycle ends with the act of sex — the same time that a woman’s cycle begins. Therefore a man’s priority shifts from procreation to providing for the mother and the unborn offspring he has fathered. He instinctively knows that this new family will look to him for many of the day-to-day necessities. In his mind it is important that he succeeds in providing for them.

Protect. Like providing for his family, man is highly programmed to protect his family. During his child’s lifetime there will be many dangers to continually guard against — the threats of illness or injury, making wise decisions and knowing when to say no to a myriad of tempting offers throughout life. The need for a man to protect his offspring should not be underestimated.

Perform. When talked about in contemporary society, this word most often refers to a man’s sexual ability. While this applies, it is not limited to sexual activity. Performance encompasses man’s ability to perform in various aspects of life. Job performance is often primary to defining a man’s success — the income it generates, the social standing it provides and the attained admiration of his peers. Successful performance in the social arena secures friendships and helps a man achieve his desire for pleasure.

Society often judges a man based on his ability to be successful at pleasure, procreation, provision, protection and performance. When a man experiences abortion, these key elements of life are seriously damaged, or often totally obliterated.

THE SYMPTOMS
Perhaps the most consistent and evident symptom in men due to loss of a child from abortion is anger. A counselor, who personally experienced the abortion decision, indicated that every man he has counseled has a higher level of anger than before the abortion. In addition, each has acted on that anger in some way that was harmful to himself or someone else. Another counselor likened this anger to that of a "ticking time-bomb just waiting to go off."

A man’s anger and frustration of not being able to protect and provide for his unborn baby, because of abortion, manifests itself in several ways. He often turns to alcohol and drugs to dull the pain of feeling he participated in or was too "weak" to prevent the death of his unborn baby. Many become workaholics to avoid contact with other people or in a desperate effort to succeed in a crucial aspect of their life.

The relationship most always fails after a decision to abort. In addition, future relationships with women are often difficult or impossible. A woman has total control over the decision to abort their baby, leaving the father no legal recourse. This lack of control regarding a critical, life-impacting decision often generates considerable resentment and mistrust towards women. As a result of a previous experience, they do not want to be put into another situation where another pregnancy may occur and they have no control of the outcome. Some men experiment with homosexuality because it allows them to have a successful sexual relationship with no commitment and no worry of pregnancy. Men may suffer from other forms of sexual dysfunction such as impotency and addiction to pornography and masturbation.

Other symptoms of a man struggling with a loss from abortion may be that he suffers from sleeplessness, panic attacks, poor coping skills, flashbacks, nightmares or self-imposed isolation. He may be unable to hold a job due to his inability to handle decision making, or he may be an excessive risk-taker in work and social environments, setting himself up for failure. This may come from the feeling that he deserves what he gets for being a loser and failing when it counted most — protecting his unborn baby.

DEALING WITH THE SYMPTOMS
To be most effective, ideally a man should receive counsel from another man when dealing with the grief and shame caused by an abortion decision. A man may better assist another man struggling with the loss of his child and fatherhood. However, women have been very successful counseling men.

In general, men are more successful than women at burying their feelings after an abortion. If a man fails to face the emotional aftermath of losing his child to abortion within the first couple of months, he will often suppress it for many years, making it more difficult to face. Many men acknowledge various problems in their life without connecting them to a previous abortion decision.

Society makes it doubly tough for men to deal with the aftermath of abortion. First, most in the secular realm don’t even acknowledge the existence of Post-Abortion Stress (PAS) in women. Secondly, men are often taught as children that it is less than manly to show weakness or cry. As a result, men have no societal incentive to realistically deal with their abortion decision.

Almost every woman who has begun the road to recovery after her abortion has given credit to the fact that she returned to, or discovered, her religious faith. That has proven to also be true with men. Allow him to experience the joy of knowing he has complete, divine forgiveness. This will enable him to move on to the next crucial stage of obtaining that God-given peace within himself. This is likely the hardest step to complete. Because of his deep fear and distrust, he may feel unworthy of a relationship with God.

Please contact Life Issues Institute, or go to our website, for a free list of resources including experienced counselors who deal with men’s loss after abortion. Life Issues Institute, 1821 West Galbraith Road, Cincinnati, OH 45239. Phone: 513.729.3600. Website: www.lifeissues.org. E-mail: info@lifeissues.org.

 

Abortion or Adoption

Differences of Adoption and Abortion
 

"Abortion is not just a simple medical procedure. For many women, it is a life-changing event with significant physical, emotional and spiritual consequences. Most women who struggle with past abortions say that they wish they had been told all of the facts about abortion and its risks."

 

Adoption	Abortion
Your pregnancy ends with giving life You may feel good and positive about your choice You will remember giving birth You will have plenty of time to plan your and your baby's future You can hold, name, and love your baby You can have continued contact with your child	Your pregnancy ends with death You may feel guilt and shame about your choice You will remember taking a life Abortion is final; you can’t reverse your decision You will never know or treasure your baby You will miss the opportunity to see your child develop

Pregnant? Need Help?
You have Options!
Learn more at OptionLine.org
or call them at: 800-395-HELP

Friendship Among Women

UCLA STUDY ON FRIENDSHIP AMONG WOMEN

 By Gale Berkowitz

 

A landmark UCLA study suggests friendships between women are special.  They shape who we are and who we are yet to be. They soothe our tumultuous inner world, fill the emotional gaps in our marriage, and help us remember who we really are.  By the way, they may do even more.

 

Scientists now suspect that hanging out with our friends can actually counteract the kind of stomach-quivering stress most of us experience on a daily basis.  A landmark UCLA study suggests that women respond to stress with a cascade of brain chemicals that cause us to make and maintain friendships with other women.  It's a stunning find that has turned five decades of stress research---most of it on men---upside down.   "Until this study was published, scientists generally believed that when people experience stress, they trigger a hormonal cascade that revs the body to either stand and fight or flee as fast as possible," explains Laura Cousino Klein, Ph.D., now an Assistant Professor of Biobehavioral Health at Penn State University and one of the study's authors.   "It's an ancient survival mechanism left over from the time we were chased across the planet by saber-toothed tigers.

 

 Now the researchers suspect that women have a larger behavioral repertoire than just "fight or flight."   "In fact," says Dr. Klein,"it seems that when the hormone oxytocin is released as part of the stress responses in a woman, it buffers the "fight or flight" response and encourages her to tend children and gather with other women instead.  When she actually engages in this tending or befriending, studies suggest that more oxytocin is released, which further counters stress and produces a calming effect. 
This calming response does not occur in men", says Dr. Klein, "because testosterone---which men produce in high levels when they're under stress---seems to reduce the effects of oxytocin. Estrogen", she adds,
"seems to enhance it."

 

 The discovery that women respond to stress differently than men was made in a classic "aha!" moment shared by two women scientists who were talking one day in a lab at UCLA.   "There was this joke that when the women who worked in the lab were stressed, they came in, cleaned the lab, had coffee, and bonded", says Dr. Klein.   "When the men were stressed, they holed up somewhere on their own.   I commented one day to fellow researcher Shelley Taylor that nearly 90% of the stress research is on males.   I showed her the data from my lab, and the two of us knew instantly that we were onto
something."

 

 The women cleared their schedules and started meeting with one scientist after another from various research specialties.   Very quickly, Drs. Klein and Taylor discovered that by not including women in stress research, scientists had made a huge mistake: The fact that women respond to stress differently than men has significant implications for our health.

 

 It may take some time for new studies to reveal all the ways that oxytocin encourages us to care for children and hang out with other women, but the "tend and befriend" notion developed by Drs. Klein and Taylor may explain why women consistently outlive men.   Study after study has found that social ties reduce our risk of disease by lowering blood pressure, heart rate, and cholesterol.   "There's no doubt," says Dr. Klein, "that friends are helping us live."   In one study, for example, researchers found that people who had no friends increased their risk of death over a 6-month period.   In another study, those who had the most friends over a 9-year period cut their risk of death by more than 60%.

 

 Friends are also helping us live better.   The famed Nurses' Health Study from Harvard Medical School found that the more friends women had, the less likely they were to develop physical impairments as they aged, and the more likely they were to be leading a joyful life.   In fact, the results were so significant, the researchers concluded, that not having close friends or confidantes was as detrimental to your health as smoking or carrying extra weight!   And that's not all!   When the researchers looked at how well the women functioned after the death of their spouse, they found that even in the face of this biggest stressor of all, those women who had a close friend confidante were more likely to survive the experience without any new physical impairments or permanent loss of vitality.   Those without friends were not always so fortunate.

 

Yet if friends counter the stress that seems to swallow up so much of our life these days, if they keep us healthy and even add years to our life, why is it so hard to find time to be with them?   That's a question that also troubles researcher Ruthellen Josselson, Ph.D., co-author of "Best Friends: The Pleasures and Perils of Girls' and Women's Friendships (Three Rivers Press, 1998).   "Every time we get overly busy with work and family, the first thing we do is let go of friendships with other women," explains Dr. Josselson.  "We push them right to the back burner.   That's really a mistake because women are such a source of strength to each other.   We nurture one another.   And we need to have unpressured space in which we can do the special kind of talk that women do when they're with other women.   It's a very healing experience."

 

Taylor, S. E., Klein, L.C., Lewis, B. P., Gruenewald, T. L., Gurung, R. A. R., & Updegraff, J. A. Female Responses to Stress: Tend and Befriend, Not Fight or Flight"