Beginning with the End in Mind
Personal Scripting - what is taught in childhood is what molds our thinking for adulthood. This is the invisible imprinting that affects our judgment and decision making abilities.
What is yours from childhood? And what was his? Believe it or not, it really affects all major ways one deals with life as an adult.
If you carefully consider the problems people face in marriage you will generally find that all conflicts stem from 2 sources.
1. Conflicting role expectations – who played what role when you were a child. (leader/follower, responsibilities done by whom)
2. Problem solving strategies – what was the ways things were solved when you were a child. (moods, silent treatment, unforgiveness, temper tantrums, violence)
There are 2 basic types of Conflict Patterns:
Passive aggressive = may say nothing but is seething inside continuously judging and becomes increasingly irritated. May handle things from ‘behind the scene’ – pay back
Active aggressive = talk it out, thrash it out, fight it out. Emotionally charged.
Understanding these differences can help so much to start on the road to understanding your mate.
What is your definition of the word Love?
Definitions may be different (example to one the word ‘love’ may be a verb, and to the other the word ‘love’ may be a feeling. Do you know yours and his definitions of the word love?
This coming together – this sharing and agreeing upon role expectations, problem-solving strategies, vision and values in a relationship is called
Co- missioning. In other words it’s a co-mingling or joining of missions or purposes. It’s joining them together so that they have the same destination. This instantly transcends ‘your way’ or ‘my way’ to ‘our way’.
Without a unifying sense of vision and values to follow, there is no family identity or purpose. To have a meaningful marriage – each couple must define who and what they are going to become. Not me, or you but rather ‘us’. What is our mission statement for our marriage? The reason a mission statement is so important in a marriage is that no two people are completely alike. There are always differences. Unless time is taken to explore these differences and create a sense of shared vision, then these differences can drive a couple apart. What sort of questions should you ask of each other in the creation of a Mission Statement.
Who are we as individuals?
What do we want to focus on in each other?
What are our plans to accomplish in life?
What legacy will we leave for other after our life is over?
In the course of time – each partner can realize the giftedness the other one brings to the relationship – thus differences become appreciations instead of irritations.
This book 'The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families' can REALLY make a difference in your marriage, we encourage you to get this book! It was written by Stephen Covey and it is invaluable for every couple to have and practice. RMA has used this book as a textbook in marriage classes often.