Declaration of Interdependence
There are different styles of marriages:
Dependence - being unable to stand alone- must have mate mentally, emotionally and spiritually, unhappy without their attention.
Interdependence – the ability to stand alone- but choosing to connect with spouse, bringing individual gifting to add to whole value of couple.
Thoughtfulness at all costs, brings sensitivity and care one for another. Think about this passage of scripture and how it could be used in the context of marriage.
9Let love be without dissimulation. Abhor that which is evil; cleave to that which is good.
10Be kindly affectionate one to another with brotherly love; in honor preferring one another
11Not slothful in business; fervent in spirit; serving the Lord;
12Rejoicing in hope; patient in tribulation; continuing instant in prayer;
13Distributing to the necessity of saints; given to hospitality.
14Bless them which persecute you: bless, and curse not.
15Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.
16Be of the same mind one toward another. Mind not high things, but condescend to men of low estate. Be not wise in your own conceits.
17Recompense to no man evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men.
18If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men.
19Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.
20Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head.
21Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.
Here are the Types of handling Conflicts.
These couples make decisions for personal interests at the expense of mate, One partner is the victim upon completion.
Dueling Dictators Strategy :
As resentment grows the subordinate spouse stages their own coup creating solid walls of resistance. Both partners become victims.
Everyone for themselves, forget resolving issues, refusal to try to renew relationship endures each other and lives for self.
Both spouses don’t make decisions until they are in agreement. Neither spouse imposes their will upon the other. Making mutual decisions to benefit both, creates harmony and emotional bonding.
Guideline #1 Set ground rules to make negotiations pleasant and safe
Ground Rule #1 Try to be pleasant and cheerful throughout negotiations. (remember body language and voice inflections)
Ground Rule #2 Put safety first. Don’t make demands, show disrespect, or anger even if your mate does.
Ground Rule #3 If you reach an impasse where you are not getting anywhere or if one of you is starting to reach beyond the boundaries, stop negotiations and come back to the issue later. End the discussion by changing the subject to something more pleasant. After a brief pause the offending mate may apologize and wish to return to the subject that was so upsetting. But don’t go back into the minefield until it has been swept clear of mines.
Guideline #2 Identify the problem from both perspectives.
Before you start explaining each of your perspectives take 5 minutes to write down your thoughts on paper. This will help clarity your concerns before you begin discussion the issue with your spouse and it’s a good way to avoid demands, disrespect and anger.
Guideline #3 Brainstorm with abandon
Carry paper with you so you can jot down possible solutions to a problem as you think of them throughout the day. Some problems may require days of thought and pages of ideas. Keep in mind your goal a solutions that has mutual appeal.
Guideline #4 Choose the solution that meets the conditions of the Policy of Joint Agreement – mutual and enthusiastic agreement.
It is easier to have agreement regarding a short term experimental plan than a plan set in cement for life. If the plan doesn’t work out for one spouse you can go back to brain storming for a new one.
To avoid arguments about money use the Policy of Joint Agreement to create a budget. And then spend outside the budget only if you are both in enthusiastic agreement. Review your budget 3 months later to be sue you are still in agreement about each item.
The Policy of Joint Agreement not only helps you become great negotiators, it also protects your love for each other. Think Win – Win where both partners win. Don’t operate as the concept of Lose – Win, when one wins and the other feels like they lost. Or the other form which is Lose – Lose! Marriage can be great – when each partner learns to operate in maturity and wisdom.
Practice makes perfect. Look for the Win/Win solutions in life.
These notes are taken from the book called ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People’ written by author Stephan Covey.